Reality Check

I saw this list posted on a celebrity blog and after considering it for a moment, thought to myself, "I wonder how Drew feels about Reesie Cups earning twice what she makes, despite the fact that she's been doing it longer?"

1. Reese Witherspoon - $15 to $20 million per pic
2. Angelina Jolie - $15 to $20 million (made only $8 million for Beowulf)
3. Cameron Diaz - $15 million
4. Nicole Kidman - $10 to $15 million
5. Renee Zellweger - $10 to $15 million
6. Sandra Bullock - $10 to $15 million
7. Julia Roberts - $10 to $15 million
8. Drew Barrymore - $10 to $12 million
9. Jodie Foster - $10 to $12 million
10. Halle Berry - $10 million

But, then i realized they are actually only one year apart (32 and 31 years old). AND, both of them have been acting since they were kids.

so then i asked myself, how must drew feel knowing that all things being equal, she still makes half as much as reese!

This song randomly gets stuck in my head

Someone shoot me.

And Speaking of Christmas Carols...

"Its All ABout the Bejamins Baby" excerpt

Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Its all about the benjamins baby

Verse five: notorious b.i.g.

I been had skills, cristal spills
Hide bills in brazil, about a mil to ice grill
Make it hard to figure me, liquor be, kickin me
In my asshole, uhhh, undercover, donni brascoe
Lent my east coast girl, the bentley to twirl (uh-huh)
My west coast shorty, push the chrome 740
Rockin redman and naughty, all in my kitty-kat
Half a brick of yea, in the bra, where her titties at
And Im livin that, whole life, we push weight (uh-huh)
Fuck the state pen, fuck hoes at penn state (cmon)
Listen close its francis, the praying mantis
Attack with the mac, my left hand spit, right hand
Grip on the whip, for the smooth getaway
Playa haters get away or my lead will spray
Squeeze off til Im empty, dont tempt me
Only, to hell I send thee, all about the benjis
What? ?

Outro: puff daddy

Its all about the benjamins baby
Uh-huh, yeah
(repeat 8x)

Hark, Why Arent The Herald Angels Singing?

is it me, or isnt there usually christmas songs flooding the radio stations by this time of year? it seems like they're actually running late? and while that's ok because i feel like sometimes they start too soon with the Mariah Carey/George Michael Christmas anthems, something seems wrong. almost like if i heard that amy winehouse was clean...

Holiday Shopping Tits -er, I Mean Tips

here are some tips to help you get holiday gift shopping ship-shape.

1. get organized. make a list. with a pencil. that way when someone on the list pisses you off, you can erase them and pretend they were never really on the list.

2. set a budget and make a plan for payment of your christmas/Hanukkah gifts. if you havent already saved money up for this shit show, then you are going to have to make some serious cut backs to your current spending and start allotting a certain amount from each paycheck to your gift-giving fund. start eating ramen noodles and anything canned and you should be good.

3. get a head start on your shopping online. i highly suggest amazon.com. there, you can create a shopping list. i have basically all of my gifts picked out and stored on my shopping list. with each paycheck, i pull a few off and buy them. within 48 hours, they are sitting on my desk. shopping online is also great because you can really bargain hunt without wasting the time and fuel you would use if you did it in person.

4. luckily, this is the time of the year when drinking--a lo-t-is socially acceptable and encouraged. their will be numerous holiday parties and happy hours and plenty of spiked egg nog for you to imbibe should you get stressed out with all the shopping and spending.

be strong. be good. and be merry.

Hey LC and Heidi, Look At What You've Got To Look Forward To...

yeah, thats right. this is what you'll surely become one day: The Real Housewives of Orange County. these freaks are scarier than any movie monster i've seen. they are pathetic in their attempts to remain young. the only thing they are obsessed with more than their looks, is their money and the fringe benefits that come with marrying well.

between the tanning, the expensive velour work-out outfits, the beemers, the diamonds and the foils these women are anything but "Real".

LC and Heidi: wake up and smell the soy chai latte. run from "The Hills" and get a real life in a city that actually values hard work more than cosmetic work...like Philly!

(Disclaimer: that was my single rant of the month. promise to not be so "V" for "Vendetta" from here on out.)

Seriously...

I hate Powerpoint slides. My eyes are burning. I have been editing slides for two hours. They suck so badly.

The good news is, the woman in the office next to me hums and sings aloud to "Big Girls Don't Cry..." so at least I have that going for me.

Sorry. Bah Humbug.

Fakery.

In the Ongoing, Everlasting, Great Debate: Is The Hills Real? here is something to watch out for-- during the big writer's strike, The Hills should be able to carry on uninturrupted.

BTW, doesn't Brody look hilarious in this photo?

Must See Movie: The Mist.

saw it, liked it, love to tell ya all about it...but, tis better to just get off thine own ass and see for yourself. get some popcorn while your at it. yes, you want the large for an extra quarter and by god, don't skimp on the butter, buddy. toss in some raisin-nets and you got yourself something to brag about.

best stephen king movie-made-from-one-of-his-books ever. well, second to The Shining.

oscar prediction: best supporting actress nod to marcia gay harden. you rocked it out, marsh.

Can You Imagine?

ok, you know its stressful enough to feud with a best friend, but can you even imagine being these two? Who's got the better magazine cover? I do! I do! That's a First Class ticket to Stress Vegas.

don't feel too bad for these dollies though. who knows if their battle is even real. and who do they think they are? the new paris and nicole? heidi definitely is getting that sickly rachel zoe look about her, so maybe...

these girls should make peace. and by make peace, i mean claw each other's eyes out.

whitney needs a spin off.

Do You Remember Your CPK?

CPK: Cabbage Patch Kid.

do you remember yours?

mine was named Maggie Paige. the names were always so weird.

whenever christmas time rolls around, i always get very nostalgic about the good ole times. when toys were a major priority.

take my hand. let me take you down Memory Lane...these toys meant the world to me:

1. My Little Pony
2. Rainbow Brite
3. Shera, Princess of Power
4. Jem, Truly Outrageous
5. Duck Hunt
6. Barbie
7. Popples
8. Pound Puppies

Over-what??

So, The Rube just got her second rabies and distemper shots. She hated it. She especially hated the thermometer up her cornhole, but who wouldn't, really? Anyway, her last vet appointment she was only about 4 months old... now she is over a year, and shall we say, significantly matured. Matured so much, in fact, that she has doubled her body weight from 6 pounds to almost 12. After getting weighed, the vet was like, "Don't gain any more weight, RUBY."

Well, she obvs meant this as a warning to me, like I am a bad mother stuffing my babylovecat with cake and ice cream. I take offense to that!! I mean, I do give her two "treaty-treats" so I can escape out the door every morning, but Smeds does the same with Buddha and HE'S fine!

And my apt is too small to give her a real workout. What should I do??

So This Bothers Me....

Yesterday, Beanorama and I were a-walking and a-talking down Kelly Drive. We walked 3.5 miles and didn't even really try to! I was proud.

Although the show has been long-retired and is in syndication, my thoughts often travel to the women of SATC. And yes, I do believe that most things in life can be related to one or more episodes. Just not the one with the comic book guy and the fried chicken. I hated that one.

Anyway, Beanorama and I discussed the following:

Charlotte gives Carrie (who is BROKE as a joke) her engagement ring to use as a down payment on her apartment so Carrie can buy it. Now, even if Charlotte's ring was worth 100,000 bones, that's still not THAT much money for a NYC brownstone apartment. Carrie's mortgage must be through the roof and she has to pay Char back. Beanorama supplied that her apartment WAS rent-controlled, but still....the figures just don't add up.

Discuss.

Smartest Baby Boy Around!

This kid is so cute. He takes after me, his "Aunt of Convenience" as his father calls me. Anyway, he has learned three new things lately:

1. The word "book" -- he's clearly going to be a brilliant English professor.
2. The word "up" -- with appropriately upstretched arms and sweet smile begging to be hugged.
3. How to pick his nose.

What a lovebug!

Can I borrow Ruby?

Well, mark it down. On November 25, 2007, I saw my first city mouse. It was in my kitchen sink, and I had a minor heart attack. It was awful. Without getting into the gory details, the mouse is now rotting in hell. But, I was thinking this morning about Tom and Jerry. As a naive child, I would root for Jerry, the disgusting, disease-ridden mouse. What a sick kid I was. Also, if I had a cat like Tom who couldn't catch a mouse, I would be in the market for a new feline. I must end this post now, as I need to call an exterminator.

WTF advice columnists?

Today I read Dear Abby and some other syndicated advice column, and I almost peed mis pantalones on just how outdated the advice was!

First, some highschool girl wrote into Dear Abby that she hadn't had a boyfriend in a while, and she was a cute girl who likes makeup and clothes but also likes paintball and some boys' sports. She said a couple of guys didn't like her back and instead "liked her as a friend." OK, you think, young gal, seems pretty normal, tell her just to keep having fun and doing what she likes and soon enough, a boy will come along that likes her for all the things she listed.

But no. Abby's brilliant, June-Cleaver-esque advice? "Downplay the sports and things that you are into and try to be more girly." Are you effing kidding me?

I turn the newspaper page.... and I found another redic advice column, but I forget what it was right now, so I will finish this later.

A few of my favorite things

My train back to the city is in one hour. Here are a few of my favorite things about being home:

-Zippo
-Home-cooked meals
-Food in general
-Blue, my car
-Cable TV
-Extra rooms to walk through
-Internet access
-Bothering my sister
-Appliances that aren't possessed

THE TURKEY SONG

Happy Thanksgiving! The essential Thanksgiving song courtesy of Adam Sandler.

What Ever Happened To Eddie Winslow?

the older brother from "Family Matters", Eddie Winslow, was brought up tonight and it got me thinking. I wonder what ever happened to him and do people still call him Eddie Winslow.

i hope he is safe and having a happy thanksgiving.

here's to you E-Win.

Mike Who?

so i took the quiz, beano, hoping that it would finally help me decide between obama and hillary and was distressed to learn that my number one candidate was neither and even worse, it was a guy i have never even heard of!

1. mike gravel
2. dennis whatever
3. jon edwards

i don't know anything about MG except that we agree on a lot of things, so i guess that's saying something right? however, i do think jon edwards is just adorable and charming and very smart and passionate. and his name could very well be spelled john. i guess its ok to go with my number 3.

popsie tells me it doesnt matter who i vote for anyway. by the time i will vote, the demo will already be selected, so no big woop, huh?

Confession

i have never, ever, ever, ever even tried to wear a thong.

never. not once. never will. don't care.

top that.

and on a somewhat related topic, "being sexy", i think that it depends on your interpretation of what IS sexy. to me, being sexy is more an attitude and less a hem line or high heel. i realized this when planning a mandatory "sexy" outfit for an upcoming event. stressing over finding a sexy outfit felt weird and foreign to me. and then i realized why...i don't wear sexy clothes. why start now? i am much better at being myself than a sex kitten.

If We Took A Holiday...

yes, as the material girl sang, if we take some time to celebrate it would be...it would be...it would be so nice.

i am sooo looking forward to the 5 day weekend. off work until next monday and does it feel great.

my plans, simple yet superb:

1. watch daytime tellie with my love muffin, Sadie.
2. dress up as a pilgrim.
3. eat lots of home cookin'.
4. do more shopping for xmas.
5. go see The Mist, sure to be awesome.

its less like thanksgiving and more like my Unusual's Favorite Things (shout out to Miz Cyn for posting the hilario Oprah spoof).

p.s. pictured above is a young martha stewart, who i have always imagined as the patron saint of thanksgiving. also, love her because she is polish.

peace, love and weight watchers, ya'll.

Ready, Set, Birth

Just in case you weren't aware, on today's Oprah she's going to have that annual orgasmic fest episode that she calls "Oprah's Favorite Things". This SNL skit is my favorite depiction of what happens during this out of control episode:

What is your will, Beelzebub?

So, we've all heard crazy stories about city life. There's hand-job handymen, golden crazies, mushrooms that aren't so magic and more. (Incog, I dedicate my linking skills to you.) Well, I've got a doozie for you. One night last week I heard beeping. It was slow at first, maybe every three minutes. Then, it sped up. I realized it was my microwave. Here is what I saw:

06:34
--:--
--:-6
--:66
-6:66
66:66

It just kept beeping. At first it would clear when I pressed buttons, but then the force grew more powerful, and there was nothing I could do. I unplugged it and tried to forget about the frightening incident. Then, I plugged it back in a few days later and lived two days in peace until it started up again. For now it is unplugged. I am a little worried for my soul.

Harry Potter did what?

I don't mean to make light of a gruesome murder that occurred in Italy between two study abroad roommates - one is an American girl & the murdered roommate is a British girl. However, when I saw the suspects in this case, I couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the American girl's boyfriend & Harry Potter.

Adventures in Suburbia, Part 1: I declare war on all squirrels in the Delco area

Ok, a few days ago I diligently planted about 40-50 tulip bulbs in the garden wall on the side of my house. With fall quickly fading & the inevitable approach of winter moving in, the thought of bright, colorful tulips in the spring will get me through the barrenness of winter.

Well, not soon after I planted these bulbs & was still taking Advil by the fistful to help me recover from all of the digging, did I see a fat, little squirrel outside of my kitchen window nibbling on what I instantly recognized as one of my Big Smile bulbs, one of the best & top quality yellow tulip bulbs. That dumb squirrel must have thought that it caught the nut of lifetime, given the size of it. I was furious. I didn't mind during the summer when the squirrels would dig through my pots on my front porch. At least then I could just smooth the soil back over to cover the plants again. But I've finally reached my breaking point with those fuzzy rats. I can only imagine how many more of my bulbs have or will succumb to the same fate. I'm fearful that I won't have any tulips at all to cheer me up in March & April. I didn't work my ass off to have some dumb squirrel ruin it.

That's when I decided death to all squirrels in Delaware County. I instantly began researching squirrel/bulb solutions from squirrel traps to BB guns to poison. I, like most people, abide by the unwritten agreement that we have with squirrels, which is to carefully drive around them when we see them in the road or to not chase them off our property. Not anymore. If I see a squirrel running across the street, I will now do my damnedest to run it over with the hopes that I either a) get the son of a bitch squirrel that's taken my tulips or b) send a message to that squirrel's friends that Miz Cynical is coming after him. I will have tulips come spring or else.

Bring it, bitch.

Happy Friday.....

Happy Friday, everyone! As I kicked through leaves and inhaled the fall air with a warm cup of Wawa Chocolate Caramel coffee in my hand this morning, I thought: "Life is good."

I think this was enhanced by the idea that I have two sleep-in days ahead of me. A-some. Or as my friend the Red says, "Awesome-o."

Spring Rolls With a Side of Stabbing?

So, apparently a cook at a Houlihan's in Wilmington stabbed a waitress who would not go out with him. YIKES.

Sir, just take no for an answer and move on. Honestly.

The waitress was apparently cornered in the bathroom where she was stabbed. She is listed in critical condition.

Rice and beans for a name?

The other day I went to Bugaboo Creek steak house with my mother and sister. (We were shopping, my sis is preggo, we were starving... we had to pick the closest place.) This place is heavily themed... as... well, the Web site says it's themed as the Canadian Rockies, but I just thought it was going for "hunting lodge" decor.

Anyway... our waitress was named -- wait for it-- Jambalaya. Yup, that's right. Like the paella-esque rice meal. I tried to look at the other wait staff to see if it was a joke, like maybe they all had foodie names like "gumbo," "chile," or "macaroni salad," but all I saw was a "Lisa" and other normal names.

I even double checked the check, but yup! There is was: Server Name - Jambalaya.

Weird.

Yeah, He Said That

On making a name for himself: "Like I said, I would do reality TV forever. It's so much cooler to have people come up to me and be like, 'Spencer Pratt!' and know my name, than to be Orlando Bloom, who's famous for being some pirate."

Now That's a Threesome

Steve Correll doing Michael Scott doing Survivor Man.

genious.

Echoing Light

Poem by: W.S.Merwin, photo by A.Sembrot

When I was beginning to read I imagined
that bridges had something to do with birds
and with what seemed to be cages but I knew
that they were not cages it must have been autumn
with the dusty light flashing from the streetcar wires
and those orange places on fire in the pictures
and now indeed it is autumn the clear
days not far from the sea with a small wind nosing
over dry grass that yesterday was green
the empty corn standing trembling and a down
of ghost flowers veiling the ignored fields
and everywhere the colors I cannot take
my eyes from all of them red even the wide streams
red it is the season of migrants
flying at night feeling the turning earth
beneath them and I woke in the city hearing
the call notes of the plover then again and
again before I slept and here far downriver
flocking together echoing close to the shore
the longest bridges have opened their slender wings

"Brandy Alexander"

by Fiest

Though I'd like to be the girl for him
And cross the sea and land for him
On milky skin my tongue is sand until
The ever distant band begins to play

He's my Brandy Alexander
Always gets me into trouble
But that's another matter
Brandy Alexander

Though you know what I love most of him
I'm walking on needles and pins
My addiction to the worst of him
The low moon helps me sing

I'm his Brandy Alexander
Always get him into trouble
I hide that I'm flattered
Brandy Alexander

Goes down easy
It goes down easy

Brandy Alexander

Who's you candidate?

So I took this ABC poll to have them tell me my idea presidential candidate. I got a little scared: What if... oh my gosh... I'm deep down a Republican? But phew, I am not. My top three candidate matches were:

1. Joe Biden: Hey, I'm cool with him. He's from The First State. He's outspoken. He was the only one after 9/11 not acting like it was the end of the world as we know it, and he made me and the folks at UD feel better. He ain't gonna win, but I do like him.

2. Dennis Kucinich: Really? I hadn't thought much about him. He once made me lose a quiz game. Isn't this the guy that brought up UFOs at the Presidential Debate?

3. Hillary Clinton: ok phew. Someone with an actual shot. Aside from this poll, I am torn between Hill and Obama, and it's interesting that Obama doesn't even show up in my computer-generated results. But I will say, the more I've been paying attention to Hillary, the more she's impressed me. And oh! The joy I get envisioning my Republican uncles' reaction when Hill becomes pres... that makes it worth it. (Hey, I've had to sit through Bush for two terms...)

Check Yo' Self

hi. let me introduce myself. i am (proudly) one of those freaky people you will come across in life who truly loves the abnormal. and by abnormal, specifically, i mean the things other people do not tend to love. in fact, they probably loathe.

for instance: airport security check points. can't get enough of 'em.

let me explain this before you stop reading because you think i am half lit.

i am a very...[dramatic pause and emphasis on the next word]...VERY nervous flyer. mostly because i don't have wings.

ever since terrorism has become a fact of life, its been pretty bad. aside from flying with a sane partner and medication, the only other thing that makes it bearable to board a plane is feeling as though i and all those who will be boarding the aircraft have been put through the ringer while checking in. this may be a false sense of security, but so is social security. suck it.

i was reminded of the warm feelings this happy chore fills me with this weekend. my favorite part is when you and all these strangers around you have to take their shoes off. how many times in your life have you found yourself standing around in your socks with a bunch of strangers otherwise fully dressed? not many, i would bet. and its sorta fun. its like we all feel vulnerable and stupid and there is nothing really can really do about it except smile, pretend its normal, and discreetly check each other's sock patterns out.

oh, and how can i forget? the next best part is watching the bitch and the jerk who consider this a MAJOR INCONVENIENCE are always the chumps who get the full bag search. i love watching them silently huff and puff as a guard completely empties out their personal belongings and inspects their diaper rash ointment and tampons in front of everyone in line.

so great.

Another little link if you're bored...

In case you are lying in bed, bored out of your mind, here's a little something to help pass the time:

Passive Aggressive Notes

I think we all know how irritating Passive Aggression can be. And now- it's funny!

(Kinda' reminds me of an email of an article that a certain company got from its HR person that was all about annoying work habits...)

For Alexa.

Something bad has happened.

Saladworks tossed up their recipe and it's caused me some roughage: they stopped serving the little cubes of (probably fake) turkey and now it's slices of carved turkey!

Y, o y do they mess with my shiz?

Life on the Streets

While I enjoy my daily walk to and from work, I feel the need to spell out street etiquette for all the SU readers out there:

1. At the risk of sounding like Joey Vento, welcome to America - veer to the right. If you and another walker are on a collision coarse, go to the right.
2. Groups of two, three, or four, please keep in mind that the city sidewalks are narrow. Break from your mindless conversation, drop back, and let others pass. I have literally had to push up against buildings because I've had no room to pass opposing traffic.
3. Bikers, we've had our problems in the past. Manayunk was a trying time in our relationship. But, you must yield to peds - just like the cars you pretend to be.
4. Slow walkers, I really don't even know what to say at this point. Not only are you slow, but you walk in weird patterns and in the middle of sidewalks, making it extremely difficult to pass you. Slow walking is for parks and gardens. Make way.

That is my rant for the day. Please be mindful of your fellow pedestrians. Thank you.

There is not much to add...

this is the most amazingly disturbing yet hilarious blog post... it's certainly NSFW (that means not safe for work in case you didn't know)

http://keithiskneedeepinmud.blogspot.com/2007/10/crack-is-whack.html

Give it some time.