Do You Remember This Jackass?

Here's a sickeningly-sweet article that both satirizes and annoys about the country's second famous baby daddy, Levi Johnston.

Where’s My Oatmeal?

For about 2 years now, I’ve been eating Quaker Oats Simple Harvest Oatmeal. It’s supposed to be all-natural, but what matters to me is that it’s delicious. It costs more than Quaker Oats’ regular oatmeal, but I became loyal & hooked to the brand because every box contained $1 off coupon for your next purchase.

However, lately, I’ve noticed that the coupons began to disappear inside the boxes and the products have disappeared from the shelves. There were accompanying granola bars by the same name, but I haven’t seen those, either on the shelves at the grocery store. I’ve been to 2 or 3 different ACMEs and a Genaurdis. Quaker Oats’ website still advertises Simple Harvest, so I’m assuming it’s still a product that they make.

This week I’m finally giving their traditional flavors a try, but I’m not pleased. 1) The new flavor has about 30 - 40 additional calories that the all-natural one didn’t have and 2) the flavor just doesn’t taste the same. I’m so miffed about this that I may have to take it straight to the top & get Mr. Quaker Oats on the phone to explain this.

Surprise, surprise. Nia Vardalos’ New Movie Is About (what else)…Greece.

So, it’s been a while since we’ve seen Nia Vardalos on the big screen. Just in case you don’t remember her, Nia burrowed her way into America’s hearts about 5 years ago with her indie-flick that became a huge hit, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was about a plain Jane girl that has a quirky Greek family, meets her dreamboat, falls in love, lives happily ever after, blah, blah, blah. The movie even spawned a tv show. The show subsequently was canned after the nostalgia for the movie wore off. Since then, I don’t think that Nia’s been in much of anything. Now comes along this movie. I imagine that it’s going to be the same formulaic rom-com dialogue with the only saving grace being the beautiful scenery of Greece.

Adventures in Suburbia, Part III: The Inefficiency of Direct Mail Marketing

In the two years that I’ve owned my home, I’ve received about half a dozen direct mail pieces and about 3 voicemails regarding homes for sale. What’s the problem with this? Well, as it turns out, these homes were in my neighborhood & in one recent instance, only 4 houses down from mine! This new home is actually an example of one that was sent to me the other day. It’s around the corner from my house.

If I were in the market for a new home, wouldn’t I seek out a realtor & listings? Isn’t it awfully presumptuous to think that not only am I in the market for a new home, but I want one right down the street (or around the corner) from where I currently live!?! If anything, these mailers are making me aware of how much money I can get for my own home when I eventually put it on the market.

I’m curious as to just how successful this method has been. And, if it hasn’t been very successful, could some marketing person in a real estate office figure it out and stop sending these materials?

Blind Vice - Hayden Panettiere?

Ted Casablanca at E!Online posted his weekly Blind Vice. I'm guessing that this may be our very own pint-sized cheerleader hero, Hayden Panettiere. What do you think?

For The ‘80s Music Fans….

Depeche Mode not only has a new album coming out, but also an upcoming tour. They’ll be at the Borgata in AC on August 1st, however; the ticket price is a little steep ($125/person for general admission) so I think that I’ll have to enjoy this comeback via my Ipod.

For The Real Housewives of NJ Fans…

For fans of this show, we all suspect that each of the housewives or their spouses are involved in some shady business. So far, Danielle has been the only one called out on it. Here’s some confirmation that she definitely has a shady past and foreshadowing for Tuesday's episode.

Does AlltheRage Moonlight as a Real Estate Agent?

While I was bored at work recently, I happened to be house shopping & came across this picture of a realtor that suspiciously resembles one of our very own SoUnpretty contributors. What do you think?

Once Desirable Vacation Destinations

Not that I can afford a vacation to either of these two places in this economy, but at one point, in the not too distant past, I fantasized about visiting these two warm & exotic locales – Hawaii & St. Lucia. Now my vacation dreams have been downgraded to vacationing in Wilcox, PA & Ellicuttville, NY. (DON’T ASK! ) However, recent photos have surfaced of some infamous celebs vacationing in these spots & I’ve had to rethink my view of these places.

Amy Winehouse was spotted frolicking in the waves (how the clear, turquoise water didn’t turn brown afterwards is beyond me) & doing crackie-esque yoga poses at the very same all-inclusive resort that I want to stay at! Ugh! On one hand, I guess I should be flattered that a celebrity would want to stay at the same resort that I fancied, but on the other hand – can’t she afford more than an AI – style vacay? And, as far as I’m concerned, the hotel staff would not be able to clean the room & linens well enough for me to consider staying in the same room or even on the same floor as such an obvious biohazard.

As though it wasn’t bad enough that one wintertime fantasy wasn’t ruined, there were photos of Paris Hilton galloping through the sun & sand in Hawaii with her newest beau. Double Ugh! Like, did the crabs on her body jump off of her & return to their real home in the ocean? She should have not been allowed near the water! Unlike with Amy, I know that 1) I can’t afford to stay wherever she’s staying & 2) I’ll never stay at a Hilton hotel again so I don’t have to worry about packing light & Lysol at my choice of hotel in Hawaii.

So, I guess it’s back to the drawing board for my potential vacay spots. I’m thinking Barbados. Hear that celebs? Stay away! Or, at least go to someplace I’ll never go, like Antartica. I hear that only a super-exclusive set hangs out over there, like endangered species and whatnot.

Hide your babies, puppies & kittens 'cause left wing liberals are going to eat them!

Since Justice Souter has passed away, there has been some speculation surrounding whom the next Supreme Court judge will be. Since Obama named a nominee for Souter's successor today, there has already been heated debate about his nominee, Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor is a great example of representing everything that the Republican party feels to be wrong with this society. She's a trifecta of vices - female, Hispanic and intelligent. They have to be very careful,though, if they come after her too hard they're going to further alienate the same demographic - female voters, Hispanic voters, and other minority groups. They already won the intelligence battle in 2000.

Since there’s a Democrat president, all of the right wingers are going to protest in fear over the possibility that Obama’s selection is a tree-hugging, baby seal-loving, anti-domestic oil drilling, pro-gun control, morally depraved nutjob. This hysteria & sudden concern for what’s morally “right” is certainly subdued since Americans are primarily concerned about the economy, however there will still be a certain amount of fervor.

So, get ready & consider yourself warned. Here’s a great article speculating how Republicans will respond. Also, here's an informal poll that gives me some hope that Americans aren't completely off their rockers.

How Pissed Do You Think Maury Povich Is Right Now?

I think Maury's probably screaming out his staff right now that he didn't get this interview first. There was some woman in Texas who had twins by two separate baby daddys. Instead of hiding in shame, she decided to broadcast it on the Today show, of course. Here it is:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Signs of the Apocalypse

Alright, normally, I’m not one of those people that thinks that every catastrophe that occurs in nature or the news is a sign that the world is coming to an end, but I think that I’m onto something here. There have been a lot of signs pointing to the universe as we know it completely collapsing in on itself.
Here’s my evidence, you be the judge.
1) Heidi Montag is reportedly offered $500,000 to pose for Playboy. While worldwide, the economy is being hit by record unemployment rates, this pseudo-celeb is offered way too much money for something that she does for free - whoring herself out - everyday.

2) Spencer Pratt has a song. Remember the days of artists telling stories about how incredibly difficult it was for them to get a record exec to even listen to their demo tape, let alone a recording contract? Somehow, this non-talented jerk has managed to get into a recording studio & lay down a track. Or, maybe I’m assuming too much & this guy was able to do it using a Casio keyboard, his IMac & a boombox. This is the music that will be playing when locusts start attacking. Hell, his creepy flesh-colored beard is enough to convince me that he’s the son of Beelzebub.

3) President Barack Obama is denied an honorary degree from Arizona State University. While the country’s economy is still reeling from having a real-life version of Yosemite Sam as president for 8 years, one of the nation’s top party schools says that they feel Pres. Obama hasn’t “accomplished enough” to earn an honorary degree. Unlike celebrities like Oprah, who go from university to university every graduation season collecting honorary degrees like they’re KFC coupons or Grammys, Obama has accomplished enough academically (& hello, he’s president of the United States of America!) to be awarded an honorary degree from any university. It doesn’t matter though; Obama would probably use that degree to clean up after his dog.

So, if you don’t feel as though these aren’t signs of some very bad times, then keep your eyes peeled ‘cause I’m sure there are more signs just around the corner!

P.S. - I hope the clip that I included is the song. I can't actually bring myself to listen to this, so I'm not sure.

In case you missed it....

Here’s JT on SNL again 2 weeks ago as a follow – up to his Emmy award – winning D*ck in a Box performance a couple of years ago.

Justice for James?

According to the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Oprah has taken time out of her busy grilled chicken schilling & eating schedule to privately apologize to James Frey. Supposedly, James has been invited back to the show to discuss the fallout, but their schedules haven’t worked out for him to return.

I’m not incredibly pro-James Frey. However, I sympathize with his situation & why he felt he had to lie so that a fictional book became a memoir. What it comes down to is that she felt it was a decent book and that he was a good writer. The notion that A Million Little Pieces was a memoir added to the reading experience. Basically, if the reader thought that it was a great book, finding out that it was not in fact a memoir should not have detracted the reader from still thinking that it was a good book. It’s just one aspect of the book that wasn’t entirely truthful. The same could be said about autobiographies. You can read an awesome autobiographical book but at the end of the book, you, as the reader would have to admit that the person (or in some cases, the editor) putting their life on paper is going to subtract or enhance certain details.

On the other hand, I’m highly anti-Oprah. I feel that as much effort that Oprah put into publicly lambasting & shaming James Frey, she should feel the same obligation to apologize to him publicly. Scheduling conflicts be damned. For that reason, I have a question mark in the title of this post.

James Frey may have received an apology from Oprah, however, it’s too little, too late. And, until he receives an apology that’s on the same level (publicity-wise) as the public condemnation that she put him through, then there will always be a question as to whether or not he’s received an adequate apology.

Adventures in Suburbia, Part II: An Open Letter to Weeds

Dear Weeds:
I am officially surrendering. I give up. You’ve broken me spiritually, emotionally & physically. While some people may think that I’m nutso for writing a letter to a living organism that’s incapable of reading – I wholeheartedly disagree. I’ve been fighting you for the past two years & I feel as though I know my enemy pretty well.
Between my own gut instinct & what the Discovery channel show Planet Earth has taught me about what’s going to happen to the planet once us humans have died off & weeds take over, there’s no doubt in my mind that you can in fact, read this, as well as my thoughts and already know what my next move is to combat you. I’ve even lain in bed at night thinking about my next plan of attack. Poison? Weed Preventer? Gasoline? Fertilizer? Fire? Exorcism? I’ve attempted most of these solutions. Saturating the ground with enough poison only to have damaged my gorgeous plants. You fight back by creeping in around my roses, making it impossible to get to you. Then, while in fits of frustration, I’ve mistakenly pulled out my pansies, petunias and lilies. Oh, & don’t think that I don’t know about my peonies. You’re the real reason why they haven’t grown in 2 seasons. I haven’t been able to prove it, but I bet if I dig deep enough, I’ll find a dandelion at the root of it!

So, I’m tired of spending my gorgeous spring & summer weekends crying, frustrated, pounding at the ground in fits of fury. Instead, I should be enjoying the outside, laughing gaily, spending time with my friends, and shopping. Therefore, weeds, I’m officially waving my white flag. I’ll let some other foolish homeowner try (and fail) at deluding herself into thinking that you can actually be controlled.
You are truly a formidable enemy. Well played, my friend. Well played.

sick day.

i took a sick day today. i feel like crap and it seemed like a good idea. now i’m sure it was not a good idea.

why? because i’m watching “fear” and for the first time, i’m starting to admit to myself that mark wahlburg isn’t that bad of an actor.

someone call 911.

This.Is.Really.Gross.

I saw a commercial for this contraption while at the gym tonight. The sound was off so I had no idea what they were advertising. I just thinking, whoa, they advertise for this sorta thing on TV now? Once I got home & googled this sucker, I realized that it's not even close to what I thought it was. However, it is a feminine device that's supposed to make you feel more confident. If you want to see how it works, check it out here: http://waterworkshealth.com/howto/video.html if you dare....
(Warning: Definitely not safe for work!)

What Guy Doesn’t Have a “Mancrush” on Jon Hamm?

For us ladies that watch MadMen, we’ve had a crush on Don Draper, a.k.a. Jon Hamm, since the show debuted in ‘07. However, recently I’ve realized that Don Draper also intrigues men. I don’t know if it’s his good looks, his stylish wardrobe, the way he carries himself, or that he somehow manages to get all of the ladies. I think what’s appealing about Don is that his character is a mix between Tony Soprano (Sopranos), Vick Mackey (The Shield), and Avon Barksdale (The Wire), meaning that his character isn’t squeaky clean – you know that he has some secrets, he’s human, his moral compass may be a little off – but for some odd reason you love him. On Madmen, he’s suave. When Jon recently guest – starred on SNL, he was hilarious and when he played Liz Lemon’s love interest on 30 Rock, he was charming. What’s there not to like?

Some guys that admittedly have a man crush on Jon Hamm are Greg Berendt (He’s Just Not That Into You), my husband & my friend’s husband. And, I’m pretty sure that if my brother watched the show he would like Don, too.

So if there are any guys that want to admit that they, too, have a crush on him, it’s ok. We know that Jon Hamm is The Man so come on & join the party. We’ve been here since ’07.

Fashion Show is NOT the new Project Runway

Ok, so last night Bravo debuted their replacement to Project Runway, Fashion Show. Their hosts are Isaac Mizrahi & Kelly Rowland. I think that the prize is supposed to be just to have your line displayed at a major department store *cough*, Target, *cough*. Umm, really?!? That’s it?! No hair & makeup sponsers like Tresemme or Procter & Gamble, or a cool magazine like Elle or a decent store like Macy’s? I guess all of the good sponsors left with PR, too.

First of all, Bravo just needs to deal with the fact that they lost their major cash cow & that their spin-off shows – Make Me a Supermodel, Top Chef, etc., - while they may be good shows, they don’t come close to the magic that they captured with Project Runway.

Secondly, in their attempt to copy PR, resulting from the lawsuit that The Weintstein Group brought against them did the judgment say that it could no longer resemble anything like the original? Even the title is whack – Fashion Show. The judges have little to no creditability – Isaac Mizrahi & Kelly Rowland? Really? What wisdom is Isaac Mizrahi going to impart? You can become a designer, achieve success beyond your wildest dreams, design for celebrities and then start a downward decline of designing mass produced clothes for a major chain store, design mass produced furniture for another chain store and have a show on Style network get canceled? Their second host, Kelly Rowland is even more pathetic than that. What the hell does she know about fashion? She’s just the skinny girl from Destiny’s Child and has been paraded around in House of Dereon’s basement fashions ( well, that & it’s rumored that she may be Matthew Knowles’s love child).

It’s just sad. And, as much as I hate to turn to Lifetime for anything other than the occasional showing of “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”, I’m going to have to cave in order to catch episodes of a show that I love so dearly.

Oh, I Get It! So, This is the female Michael Scott, right?

As you may have heard, Parks & Recreation has been picked up for the fall schedule on NBC. I don’t know whether or not you’ve caught the show, but it’s basically Amy Poehler acting like a female version of Michael Scott from The Office. And, the other characters are similar to the characters on The Office, too. I think it’s sad ‘cause there’s obviously a lot of potential there with Amy Poehler (whom I love) & Rashida Jones (whom I’m warming up to). I just really wish that the writers of the show would let Amy be Amy. So here’s to hoping that next season the show’s writers will get a clue and make Parks & Recreation actually funny.

The SoUnpretty Contributors Guide to Surviving the Recession

So, since that Bruce Johnston guy made a fortune from picking his nose, I thought of other ways that SoUnpretty contributors can try & make a fortune. If these are already taken, forgive me, I didn’t research to make sure these ideas weren’t already trademarked or patented. Jeez. I can’t do all the work people!

Ashlie - how about the Freaky Facial Hair 3000? The other morning, I was applying makeup while sitting in traffic & I was shocked not only to see by the harsh morning light that I had lots of facial hairs normally invisible to the naked fluorescent office light, but I had one particularly long one near my chinney-chin chins. I suggest that you discover a magnifier mechanism that detects that freakishly long hair & plucks it right out! In the meantime, I’ll go to Topper’s to get my whole face waxed, not just the eyebrows.

Beanorama - Write a book(s) on how everything in life – money, success, lifestyle, wardrobe, environment, happiness, health all comes down to the color Green. I picture this approach starting with cookbooks (green food is good for you) to wardrobe choices (everyone looks great in green, etc) to achieving Zen (if we step onto the grass while wearing green head–to-toe, we’ll perfectly balance the sky, etc.). You get the idea.

Flip Flop Girl - Even though the FitFlop idea is already taken – how about just going with the concept that flip flops are just plain awesome? From providing a practical solution to getting to & from the office when you get a pedi on your lunch break to great hanging out footwear, one recaptures the fun & careless days of their youth when one didn’t have to worry about bills, mortgages & kids. Maybe you can even have a camp where adults can come & run around all day in them? There are already camps that allow adults to reclaim their youth with specially designed summer camps/vacation destinations (http://www.grownupcamps.com/). Yours can be the flip flop experience.

That’s all I could come up with for now. If any jerks decide to partake on these ideas, I expect my usual 20% finder’s fee. That is all.

This guy has made a fortune from picking his nose.

I saw a commercial for Breathe Right strips this morning & it hit me! When Bruce Johnston talks about how he used to use straws and paper clips to help with breathing and snoring it suddenly occurred to me that only in America can one make a fortune from something that one does as a daily hobby or occurrence. This commercial led me to starting thinking about business ventures for some of our other SoUnpretty contributors so that we too can become wealthy from our own habits or quirks...

Editors Have Power.

wow. this blew my mind when i first saw it. if you haven't seen The Shining for real though, this probably will mean nothing to you. editors have such power. its amazing what changing the music, and adding a voice over can do to one of the scariest most disturbing movies ever.

I totally think that this is Will & Jada

Ted Casablanca put up this Blind Vice on his website on Friday. The majority of the comments said that they thought that the couple described are Will & Jada. What do you think?

Hard-Nipple Nick is the hottest star, both bod-wise and at the box office. His wife's figure and professional goings-on aren't too shabby, either, as both Mr. and Mrs. Nick enjoy fame and fortune regularly up on the big screen—though his paychecks dwarf hers, big-time.

Yep, everything's pretty cozy Chez Nick, even the bisexual couple's agreement to have lovers outside the marriage. Instead of his-and-hers towels, they have his-and-hers sex partners!

And you guessed it, there's a girl for Mrs. Nick and...

A boy for Mr. Nick! And like the smart have-it-all couple they are, the Nicks chose other famous people to be their closeted lovers. Too crafty! Only problem being Hard-Nipple's boyfriend is married to an established actress who's growing increasingly peeved over the clandestine arrangement.

"He's starting to go out and fly him with him everywhere," a good friend to the Nicks told yours truly about Hard-Nipple taking the BF a few too many places as of late. "They're turning up everywhere together, and [the boyfriend's wife] is getting really pissed about it. It's going too far. It's only a matter of time before she spills."

Guess all those pricey little gifties to the wife for borrowing her hubby aren't as attractive as they once were?

Must say I'm a tad surprised to hear this latest development, as H.-N'.s always been one of the best in the Biz about keeping his preferred love life on the down-low. And now that it's flyin' high, guess a tabloid revelation is only seconds away from takeoff!

And It Ain't: John Travolta, David Beckham, Jerry O'Connell

Checkbook Hangover - def., adj., verb

When one spends her/his paycheck with blatant disregard for bills that require immediate attention. The checkbook hangover is usually brought on by waking up on payday, seeing their newly inflated checking account balance and hence wantonly spending said money on-line throughout the day, in stores throughout the weekend
(fingers crossed, no less) and waking up suddenly on Monday morning only to deeply regret the binge spending & the walk of shame over to her/his computer to check one's account balance.

For example: After Miz Cynical purchased tennis lessons, a cute tennis outfit(s), work clothes and entertainment, she decided on Monday to turn her attention to the more pressing expenses in her life. I.E., utility bills.

Hangover cure – do checkbook balancing on Thursday, write checks on Thursday evening & have bills ready to mail by Friday morning, leaving very little opportunity to overspend on Friday & the weekend.

Possible side effects - this "cure" isn’t fun for anyone, now is it? Additionally, when would one be able to shop for herself if all the bills were paid? Riddle me that.

On unseasonably warm days like these....

I can't help but wonder if some head honchos (or corporate fat cats) @ PECO are maniacally laughing at us and the thought of increased revenue due to cooling expenses. It's the only thing keeping me from cranking on the A/C in my house 'cause I know that I would be lining their pockets.

California, Here I Come!

we just booked our trip to San Francisco and Sonoma in June. anyone got tips/advice on this excursion. i know, i know, san fran is cold, bring a jacket.

wtf is up with that anyway? i thought cali was a warm state? its so weird.

also-we are attending a wedding in sonoma. i have never been to a destination wedding before. do you still go all out for the gift? i feel cheap asking, but i was really curious what is expected of you when you are paying a lot of money all ready...

I have a friend named Dorkaline

When you Google Image search "dorkaline" you get this: 

She is so Chrissy.

Beanorama, as a lover of all things green...

What do you think of these shoes? I'm torn between green, fuschia & blue. I feel that all of the colors would look great with jeans. Or, should I buy one in each color? If anyone else can help me with this critical shoe decision, I, of course, welcome your input.

Something good has happened.

When I was in college, my roommate's dad owned a grocery store in Pittsburgh and I swear it was the only place that carried low-fat (or maybe 1/3 less fat) Kraft Macaroni-and-Cheese. (The kind that's made with the Velveeta pack, no milk added.) It. was. awesome.

Post college, I could never find it again and assumed it never took off. But! Just this weekend, in my local Pathmark as I was seeing how many groceries I could get with my last remaining $40, I found Kraft Mac-and-Cheese with the Deluxe Velveeta pack with 2% milk! Hallelujah!

It's the perfect mix of the TASTE of the better, fattier Kraft Deluxe (that's real fatty) and the less tasty, regular kind where you have to add water.

Delightful. Thanks, Pathmark. Thanks, Kraft! (Even though you ARE owned by a cigarette company.)

What I WOULD Do...

i would let someone punch me right in the face if i meant that i could get within 10 feet of robert pattinson.

look at that dirty little smirk of his! yowsa, i do declare.

This is Why I'll Miss Lent

McDonald's probably won't be selling or advertising their fish fillet sandwich now that Lent is over, but damn I loved this commercial.

Phases

i'm in a rap phase at the moment. and i'm not talking kanye. i'm talking a hard core gangsta rap. old snoop/dr. dre shit. wtf is wrong with me?

i think i must be angry about something, but i have no idea what it could be. i'm liking my hair right now. and work is going well. i've got great friends and a reasonably crazy family. my dog's crazy as a loon, but that shit aint new. its spring. the weather we've been waiting for since september left out.

so what gives?

wait-i think i know what it may be...its this fucking annoying video that everyone can't stop fucking watching and playing extremely loudly.

What Do You Think of My Face Lift?

i thought the old girl could you a new look or two. its been a long time with those dot thinga ma jigs.

let me know what you think...

i love new clothes, so why not treat so unpretty to a new skin, eh?

I'm Taking Back the Blog, Betch

blog was the new journal.

twitter was the new blog.

twitter is getting twattier.

i want my blog back.

hey baby, its good to be home.

Classic mentos commercial

I guess that this is the 90s version of this pop culture question. Recently, I just happened to wonder what happened to these two things - Mentos commercials & Haddaway. Random, I know. Anyway, I was enjoying the fruit flavored Mentos at work a few weeks ago (which is a very underrated candy, btw) & happend to think of their wacky commercials. Do you miss them too? I think in our stress-filled culture that we need to return to the simpler times of the 90s that offered minty solutions to a potentially stressful scenario. They were always so goofy & fun! Did anyone else think that they were shot in Canada or Europe? The lighting was always super bright & soft.

I can see it now - a young, hotshot stock exchange guy that's watching the market crash & while he's contemplating jumping out of window, he realizes that he has some Mentos in his pocket. Problem solved! Have a Mentos! The freshmaker! Sometimes you just need a breath mint to make light of a confusing and/or stressful situation! I'll have to remember that myself when I need to try to stay fresh, cool & full of life!

Do you remember "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"?

This movie was on the other day & I couldn't help but remember how when this movie came out, it was supposed to be the cutting edge of special effects & cartoon artistry. It just looks hilarious by today's standards when you see movies like Ratatouille ( which is the last animated movie that I've seen) and the characters are so life-like, even down to their hair. I think that I'd really feel old if I saw All Dogs Go To Heaven or Fievel (which was the first animated cartoon that I saw on a VCR, right after watching E.T.).

Would you drive this?

GM/Segway introduced this P.U.M.A. last week as a way to cut down on vehicle emissions. Just like when the Segway was initally introduced, this thing is supposed to change the way people get around in cities and metropolitan areas. I think that GM should focus their energy and government bailout money on coming up with ideas that seriously reduce our carbon footprint on this planet. I think that the P.U.M.A. would be fun to try out for a day, but there's now way I would buy this thing.

Do you know the answer?

I love reading Ted Casablanca's Blind Vices on Eonline.com. I think that I have a pretty good idea as to who the subjects are to this Blind Vice? What do you think?
Double cocaine-addiction alert, babes!

But first off, gotta say it's a brutal Biz out here in Hollywood. Instead of keeping up with the Joneses, you have to keep up with the Richies. Thin will unfortunately always be in because every actor's worst nightmare is Jessica Simpson's last couple of months.

Meet Slurina Thigh-Disaster and Bart Farts-a-Lot. No relation between these two, except that they share the same nasty diet trick: nose candy. Yep, Slur and Bar are two of the more recent stars to shed their extra fluff, and we're not talking Jenny Craig here folks.

More like coke. Mountains of coke. See, Slurina's legs (and other appendages) are a disaster not because of her chunks, rather they seriously aren't there anymore. It's like they've disappeared or something.

Ever since that pic Slurina did a while back called Crimson Scorpio, for which she lost a shocking amount of weight, many folks have wondered where the hell that new figure came from. The same place where a lotta of T-town, stick-thin starlets like to get their stall on.

Weird, too, 'cause Ms. Thigh-Disaster used to be a bit on the plumper side, but always so healthy. Result of hew new figure: More roles, yeah, but she's also getting a rep for making vulgar scenes due to her constantly jumpy nature, regardless of whatever celebratory occasion she may find herself in. But she just can't get enough of this white stuff.

So unlike Bart:

This guy is most decidedly not a fan of the nose devil. In fact, he really doesn't like it at all. But he was forced to lose his happy poundage and didn't know what else to do...or snort. People like to laugh at a chubby actor, but won't swoon over one. He's told friends that coke is the "only thing" that will make him stop eating. So he does as much as he can to curb his appetite. Gross.

Jeez, what ever happened to some good ol' fashion diet and exercise?

And it ain't: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson

And it also ain't: Brendan Fraser, Jason Segal, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I think that they male blind vice is Seth Rogen. Ted also confirmed my guess when he wrote this on 4.8.09: And Seth Rogen is slowly slipping away right before our eyes! The skinny thang just doesn't look right on him. It's like trying to picture a six-pack on Will Ferrell. So not right.

You can tell he's über uncomfortable, no longer being the jolly fat guy with the jokes, and if you're thinking he's healthier by dropping all that weight—not every way a guy gets thin is exactly good for your bod, ya know.

I think that the other coke addict is Christina Ricci. I'm curious as to what you guys think & why. Delicious!

Time for new postings!

I've had a few posting ideas recently that I've been waiting to have time to put up. I realized that so much time has passed since I've updated SoUnpretty that my autofill on my internets no longer remembers the web address. Rut-roh! So, here we go! It's been a while, so I apologize if my blogging/snarky comments are a bit off right now.

Is Lindsay Lohan anorexic or what?

Has anyone seen the recent photos of LiLo? Rumors are flying again that she's battling her eating disorder again (or cocaine) & there was even some sordid story that she & Samantha Ronson are in some twisted self-image competition to see who can be the thinnest. More importantly, I'm still trying to decide whether or not her boobs are real. She seems to be the only chick that manages to drop major poundage & still have large breasts.

To me, that's what inquiring minds really want to know.

Start.Watching.This.Show.Now.

I apologize for my obnoxious use of punctuation in the title, but that's how strongly I feel about this great show. Season 1 was awesome & Season 2 just started so it's not too late to get caught up. Glenn Close kicks a**. It's on Wednesdays @ 10 p.m. on FX. Since nothing else good comes on at that hour, what's your excuse not to watch it?

P.S. - if anyone starts watching this show & loves it, feel free to update me regularly since I don't have DVR & it ends past my bedtime, I frequently fall asleep during the show & miss the ending :).

I can't wait until February 17th

First of all, if you're one of those jerks that hasn't upgraded their tv yet, please do so that I can stop hearing the commercials. However, I doubt that any technologically advanced SoUnpretty readers would be so behind as to still have rabbit ears & an analog tv :). I just want February 17th to arrive so that we can stop seeing the commercials. However, I know that there's going to be some major technical difficulties for people that didn't get the message over the past year (I'm going to include my mom in this group) & we'll continue to see the commercials. Like winter, I give the commercials another six weeks before it's over.

My New Favorite Group: Kings of Leon

So, I first heard of this group at a U2 concert back in '05. They had opened for them & I thought had done a damn good job. I was able to find their stuff on Itunes, but hadn't heard any of their music on the radio. Fast forward almost 4 years later & I can't drive to/from work without hearing at least 1 of their 2 new songs, Use Somebody & Sex on Fire (I'm assuming that "fire" is the good kind of fire, right?).

Anyway, if you haven't heard their music yet, definitely check it out. It's pretty good.

Did you ever have one of those days...

when from the moment you wake up all you can think about is going back to bed in the evening & snuggling under your nice, warm covers to shut out the dreariness of the day? Yeah?
I've been having that kind of day all month.

It's that time of year again.....

Time for Irish potatoes! My favorite is the homemade kind, but since I don't know anyone who's willing/able to make them for me (*cough* hubby, *cough*), I've had to resort to buying them from the grocery store. Whichever style you prefer, I still think that they're delish.

Welcome to the World, Baby Girl!

My first niece, Nora Elizabeth Burke, is here! And ain't she amazing?

GUYZ. Remember Mouse Trap???

This game was the balls! 

Purging.

I am packing up my apartment, and these are some of the things I am giving away. Give me a holler if you want 'em:

• really pretty, brand-new frame from Anthropologie
• Season One of The OC (the best season)
• a photo album from Honduras made of all natural materials
• a mirror made of hammered tin and blue moon tiles
• a vogue cover
  

It's our third Christmas together.

...and I still love The Rubes. How can you resist a cat when she nuzzles her head into your hand then falls into a deep sleep? Precious.

Oh my goodness.

I guess it's time for a new timing belt, or so I am told.

Couch for sale.

Please. Pretty please. Someone buy this couch. BEST OFFER.
Craigslist listing is here.

This is what is wrong with America.

Forget the economy, recession, blah blah blah. This is what is wrong with this country: that some market researcher actually decided that this item might sell as a potential Christmas gift -- a battery-operated, singing toy Jeep with a dead deer on the hood. Gross, man, gross.

Chair obsessed.

For the past three nights I have been dreaming about chairs. On Black Friday, instead of going to Best Buy and Radio Shack for super sales, I hit up literally fourteen furniture stores (mostly resale). I have been constantly scouring E-Bay and Craigslist using any combo of the following: danish, danish modern, mid century, vintage, chair, armchair, chaise.

I found two chairs at Uhuru. Two hours and much sweat later, we returned them (for store credit only - boo!) b/c we couldn't get them up the stairs.

Then - eureka! After hitting refresh, refresh, refresh, a new chair appears on Craigslist! And it's awesome! And I call... and the woman says she'll email me the measurements! And all night I dream about the perfect chair! I call all my friends! And the next morning it is SOLD - NOT TO ME! Whaaaa?

But, the danish modern gods were looking out for me because some poor sap's wife din't like how the amazing chair had a little rock to it. So I shlepped in the rain to Hatboro PA and look what I have now:

a most amazing 1963 Danish modern chair in aqua. Love love love.

I may be super particular and annoying, but hey - it's working for me!

The Allure of Dark Nail Polish

Last year, I was late catching onto the trend of dark nail polish. I didn’t realize that I liked it so much until I had a manicure done in about March, at the tail end of the dark nail polish season. However, this year’s going to be different! I’ve already spotted a couple of dark nail polish colors that I like – Revlon’s Vixen & OPI’s Paris collection. If dark nails appeal to you too, check out OPI’s website to pick your fave.

Who the hell does Oprah think she is?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but apparently, Oprah has decided not to do a “Favorite Things” episode in the traditional sense this year. And by “traditional sense”, I mean when Oprah roles out all of this over-the-top free crap & the audience members lose all of their sense & go completely batshit crazy. Oprah has decided not to do her traditional “Favorite Things” episode in an attempt to sympathize with the everyday consumer & instead offer a show that will show audience members & viewers how to make “heartfelt” gifts from scratch that will cost virtually nothing. I just hope that Oprah’s audience members won’t flip out when they discover that this is not the freebie orgy that they were expecting & storm the stage. Even though, I would think that in today’s economy, Oprah’s show provides just what various retailers need: free advertising so that consumers will spend money. So, in lieu of what’s bound to be a disappointment to both the audience members & viewers, I’ve decided to post a real video that I found of her audience members' reaction & this SNL parody again just for ol’ times sake:http://seriously-jess.blogspot.com/2008/09/oprah-ultimate-parody.html

The Classiest Thing To Do These Days… Request your water in a wine glass

I apologize in advance that this is yet another post on my begrudgingly favorite show, Real Housewives of Atlanta. I noticed on two episodes that NeNe requested water in a wine glass. So, I figured, if the Real Housewives of Atlanta are doing this, this has to be a new trend that us less classy folks have yet to pick up on, right? So, from now on, when you’re at a restaurant or just at a social gathering of some kind, be sure “class” it up a bit by requesting water in a wine glass. Last night at the SoUnpretty book club at host AlltheRage’s house, I made sure to put my own twist on this new trend & take it to the next classiest level – I drank my wine from a water glass!

That’s right, bitches. Be prepared to bring your “A” game when you’re drinking around me.

Dwight & NeNe - The Real Housewives of Atlanta
by TheDlisted

The Return of the “Real” Real Housewives of the O.C.!

Ok, so I know this is my second post on this show, which means that either I need major help or it’s the Apocalypse. Or both. However, I’m very excited that the bleached blond minxes that started this craziness are coming back for another season. And, there’s a new chick that’s joining them! You can tell that Tamra already has her claws out. This fun starts at on Tuesday, November 25th!

The Bravo network should come with an FCC warning

Last Tuesday while I was home sick , I happened to catch a Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon. At the beginning of this season, my impression of the women were that the French phrase “nouveau riche” couldn’t even begin to describe the tacky, brittle, fell-ass-backwards-into-money parasitic personalities of these women. Just in case you’re not familiar with the cast, here’s the rundown:
NeNe – (pronounced knee-knee, not nay-nay for all you haters), reminds you of the disgusting chick from high school that managed to master her bj skills instead of her reading skills & married some old guy that looks like he’s knocking on death’s door & has money. She’s loud & obnoxious & I think that even her kids hate her.

Kim – reminds you of the trashy chick that you went to high school with whom didn’t discriminate. Every time she’s in the studio with producer Dallas Austin, I keep wondering if she’s going to cheat on her boyfriend, Big Papa, with Dallas. And, she’s only 30! Her wig is totally believable.

DeShawn – the wife of NBA player Eric Snow. Definitely fell ass backwards into money by being his high school sweetheart or something. Says things like “elite society” constantly, which just demonstrates just how low class she really is. Really needs to take a long, hard look at herself & then Kobe Bryant’s wife & see what she can do about developing an eating disorder ASAP.

Lisa – seems nice; however, word on the blogs is that she plays innocent & is just as conniving & catty. Needs to style her hair. Ex-wife of Keith Sweat.

Sheree- looks like a well-toned, cold, mean tranny. Grew up upper class & now is just “class”. She’s trying to design her own two-bit fashion line, was married to some football player who’s a back-up for the back-up.

Anyway, my distaste for these women has grown into somewhat liking these women. Or, at least somewhat liking one character, in particular, NeNe. Now granted, please don’t take this admission along the lines of I would want her to be my new BFF. Hardly. Instead, the rationale is more along the lines of, “If I had to kill all of these women, I would save NeNe for last”. Now, this sudden like/ newfound sympathy probably came about during my sickness & marathon viewing of the show. Maybe Bravo knows that after repeat exposure, you’re bound to start liking anything. Maybe since I was holed up in the bedroom of my house like some captive, I started to develop that syndrome where you begin to sympathize with your abductor, you know, Stockholm Syndrome. I’m sure that this sudden realization came about due to my teetering on the brink of starvation, insanity & gut-wrenching illness. Regardless, what I’ve just admitted to is very shameful. Now, I’m going to take this no-longer-a secret shame, my Justin Guarini CD & my love of Britney Spears’ Gimme More song go hide under a rock for the rest of my days.

Lesson of the Day: Tights can cause muffin tops

Ever since last winter when I discovered knee-high boots that could fit my chicken calves, I've been sporting tights with them. However, I've recently come to the realization that tights have one major drawback: muffin tops.

Initially, I'm psyched when I put on my tights 'cause of the instant slimming effect. Unfortunately, that positive mojo is immediately flushed away when I see the spillage at the top of my skirt/bottom of shirt. So, until Spanx makes tights that reach as high as my collarbone and/or I successfully develop an eating disorder, consider yourself forewarned as to the drawbacks of tights.

Sigh.

Best...Wednesday...Ever.

After 4 (or is it 8?) long years, I am happy to feel like an American again. Tuesday's election was an incredible reminder that as Americans we are capable of breaking barriers and achieving what naysayers & history claim can not be done. Here are some pictures of the historic & international celebration of the November 4, 2008 election: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/04/reactions-around-the-worl_n_141187.html

Who wants to see this movie with me?

The movie, Milk, is coming out in November (definitely no pun intended) & looks really good. If you haven't seen the trailer for it yet, here it is:

Phillies are the World Series Champs!