Happy New Year's!!!

I hope that everyone has a happy, healthy, and safe New Year!

I personally haven't made any resolutions yet, have you?

Oh, Hell Nah!

December 22, 2007 -- PLAYBOY wants bad-girl TV anchor Alycia Lane to bare it all. A source tell us editors at the magazine's Chicago offices are mulling a lucrative offer to Lane to strip for an upcoming issue. A Playboy rep wouldn't confirm or deny the possible offer. The luscious Philadelphia news gal made front-page headlines this week when she allegedly slugged a female cop in Chelsea and called her a "[bleep]ing dyke," prompting executives at KYW-TV to make her take an early vacation as they decide her future.

T.G.I.N.Y.

thank god its new year's.

2007-- its been real. but all good things must come to an end. i am ready for ya' 2008. in my mind, '08, you hold so much possibility and promise. i can hardly wait. bring it on.

...and in anticipation of all the joy you'll bring, i'm going to quote chief brody from one of my all time favorite movies, JAWS:

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Classic Quotation for Your Contemplation

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul Varjak: Sure.

Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

Mumm's The Word

check it-check it-OUT! this is a window at Macy's that our oldest and dearest fan, Popsie, created. isnt is just marvelous? it is in honor of the Philadelphia Mummers Parade which as you (better effing) know takes places every New Year's Day in Philly. you should go check it out fo' yo'self. its the window facing city hall. and you should come out to the best parade this town has to offer on Tuesday, Jan 1. see ya' on broad street biatch!

little known facts:
those umbrellas are magic
Popsie is in the Polish American Stringband (which is the best)
that is a real, authentic Mummer's costume

?

Is anyone at work?

Ewww...

Looking at this picture of Tara Reid actually makes me feel pale. Someone should tell her to lay off of the self -tanner, stay out of the sun, & stop eating carrots. Also, how is it that she can afford so much plastic surgery?

Yuck.

What was her mommy thinking?

This was on the Today show on Black Friday. After I got over the bad lyrics and finished pondering if Bindi's mom had sold her daughter's soul to the devil, I was able to focus on the real conundrum - how did these grown ass men wind up as some 10 yr. old's back up dancer? Like, did you not quite make it into Madonna's crew but somehow passed the Sexual Predator test? Poor saps.

The Stupid Thing Sherri Shepherd Said This Week, 12/17

You only need to listen to about the first 2 minutes of this to hear how incredibly dumb she is. And, it was only Monday, folks.

#1 Way to Make Other People Feel Awkward at a Holiday Party

Don't drink. Last week, while attending two holiday parties I accidentally stumbled across this little factoid. On Thursday, I went to an office party with a free open bar, but I was the designated driver therefore I decided not to drink. All night people were asking me why I wasn't drinking & I just replied that I didn't feel like it. Well, you can understand how anyone would think that I was crazy given the free booze opportunity.

Then, on Friday night I went to another holiday party & I just didn't feel like drinking. Since a lot of the same people attended both parties & saw that I wasn't drinking, I think some of them got the idea that I wasn't a drinker. By then, people were just acting all weird around me 'cause let's face it - the holidays are a time to get your drink on. Not to be surrounded by some teetotaler who's probably frowning upon your drunken behavior.

So, if you want to make people feel weird at a holiday party with lots of free-flowing, free booze, don't drink.

No One's Coming to My Party.

This is what my mom said at 4:03 p.m. on Saturday when only one couple had shown up to her holiday party. (NOTE: Party start time was 4:00 p.m.) I had to keep assuring her that people don't come to parties early and that the place would be bumpin by 5:30. I was right, of course. They had a great turnout. We even ran out of beer at one point, but my dad made a quick run before anyone really noticed. The three days before the fiesta, I couldn't even talk to her without her stating that she didn't think anyone was going to come and that I would be the only guest. It was cute/annoying how worried she was (very unlike her to worry about her social life). We also had to do a post-party wrap-up the next day over the phone. I had to reiterate how great the party was and what an awesome time everyone had. I never want her to throw a party again.

The Alycia Lane Saga Continues...

Well, against the advice of Unusual & I, CBS3 has decided to take Alycia Lane off the air indefinitely. She's decided to "take a planned two-week vacation" a week early while she's fighting the charges of assaulting an officer. Try not to feel too bad, she makes $700,000/yr. Also, did you know that she's dating Chris Booker of Q102 & JLo's sister's ex? Apparently her bad taste in men continues, too.

Here's a highlight of what she supposedly said during the brouhaha:"I don't give a f- who you are I am a reporter you f-ing dyke."

Also, the Philly Inq compiled a list of some other Philly news anchors who have received some bad publicity in the past, but unfortunately, our John Ogden isn't on the list. Nor is that guy who got fired a few years ago for saying something derogatory against a female rape victim in a local high profile case. And, who knew Cecily Tynan was such a jerk?

Howard Eskin. The hard-charging WIP/NBC10 sports reporter has often been in hot water; it really boiled over after his friendship with a woman who was later murdered by her husband.

Cecily Tynan. The Action News weathercaster left a nasty voice mail on the answering machine of her fiance's ex-wife - who released the tape.

Tom Burlington. The Fox29 anchor was taken off the air indefinitely after reportedly using the N-word during a news meeting.

Mike Missanelli. WIP fired the host after he roughed up a producer.

Sharon Reed. NBC10 dismissed the reporter/anchor after she reportedly threatened a colleague by e-mail.

Monica Malpass. The 6ABC anchor made headlines during her long-running divorce case.

John Bolaris. The weathercaster, who starts next month on Fox29, was a one-man gossip bonfire while at NBC10: reports of nightclub dustups, a celebrated romance with singer Lauren Hart, and a child with former NBC10 anchor Tiffany McElroy.

Jessica Savitch. The Kennett Square native became a star at KYW-TV before being hired away by NBC. Rumors of drug use peaked after a slurred on-air appearance in 1983. Less than a month later Savitch drowned when the car she was riding in plunged into a canal in Bucks County.

If You've Got the Time...

and i bet you do if you're reading this shit, then sit back and enjoy the comical genious of Molly Shannon.

Philly's Own Paris Hilton?

Ok, we've already established that John Ogden's off-screen antics in the Philly/Manayunk area makes him the Pat O'Brien of our town. Now, Alycia Lane finds herself in trouble again - this time with the law. Allegedly, Alycia hit a female police officer in NYC over the weekend.

Remember, this is after the bikini photos that she sent to some married, bloated NFL reporter whose wife intercepted the e-mail & sent a snarky reply back to her.

You can check out the story of her latest snafu here: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22937107-1702,00.html

Daniel Day-Lewis: Hot or Ugly/Hot?

As I've mentioned before, Flip Flop Girl, Unusual Suspect is Back! & I had a totally serious conversation one day & compiled a totally scientific, detailed list of actors & celebrities that we thought were "ugly hot" meaning that they're so talented, and/or passionate about their work that while not considered classically beautiful, you look past their looks & their talent changes your perception of them and you begin to think, "wow, he's gorgeous".

Some members of this esteemed list include Seal (Flip Flop Girl hates him), Benicio del Toro & Joaquin Phoenix, to name a few. Well, now Daniel Day-Lewis has a new movie coming out called "There Will be Blood" & when I saw him in a photo for the premiere I couldn't help wonder if he should be added to the list. I'm afraid that I may be too biased.

I loved his work on "In the Name of the Father" ,"The Crucible" & "Gangs of New York". So to me, he's so talented he comes across as hot, but his features aren't incredibly above average. He has a wiry, tall body, intense & piercing blue eyes, and greasy hair that says " I may live in a house with running water but I can't be bothered to wash my hair on a daily basis 'cause that would mean that I'm not dedicated to the craft of acting".

So, I'm really in a conundrum. Help me out, ladies. Hot or ugly hot?

The stupid comment that Sherri Shepherd made this week

I should have started keeping tabs on this back in Sept. when Sherri Shepherd joined the cast. Unfortunately, I'm just now catching on that you can count on her to say something ridiculous just like you can count on Elizabeth Hasselbitch to say something pro-Republican.

This is last week's "stupid Sherri Shephard" comment. I'll try to make it a regular/weekly feature since she's bound to f--- up daily.

The LIGHTS Are Much Brighter There..

you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go...to MY HOUSE!

yes, we have begun making our house christmas-fabulous. but a question for all my bitches out there...do you go white (lights) or do you go bright (colors)???

personally, i prefer a mixture of both.

everyone knows the grownup choice is white. but alas, nothing brings me back to that fuzzy feeling of childhood like the colored lights.

so, i use both! i know. sounds like its really pretty, right? (you're all like, "Hell No.")

one thing i do not waiver on---absolutely no running or blinking lights. they drive me mad. mad with christmas insanity.

Victoria's Truth

the truth of the matter is that Victoria's Secret is so not what it once was...a woman's lingerie and under garments boutique.

i just walked into their new store in Liberty Place, and it was like walking into an extravagant and inappropriate pj party/club for a bunch of spoiled tweens*.

their old demographic:
adult women, mid 20s-early 40s, household income of $30K-50K, professionals

their new demographic:
tweens, 11-16 years of age, weekly allowance of $50 per week, barely passing tests because they are too busy trying out new lip glosses to study...oh and they like, LOVE the hills.

(Research provided by Unusual Suspect, LLC)


*kids between adolescents and teens=tweens

Way to go, Cousin!

My cousin Martin brought us A Minute In The Life, the simultaneous photogrpahy project. Well, now he's unveiled his newest photography website with his past work. I am very proud and in awe of my 364-days -older-than-me cousin.

See the new site at www.MJLphoto.com. And if you need a DC-based photographer, he's your man.

Oprah has ruined reading for me

A couple of weeks ago, my sister-in-law gave me a book called "Eat, Pray, Love". It was supposed to be part of her mommy book club, or whatever. *Editor's note, see below.* She said that I was free to take it, because she just saw the author featured on Oprah, where they discussed the hell out of it & she felt like she already knew the story so there was no reason to read it.

Well, it just so happens that they replayed that episode again the other day & now I know the entire story & there's no point in reading it.

Thanks, Oprah.

P.S. - if anybody wants to borrow this book, let me know.

* Don't get me started on how useless this special book club is. Those broads have a whole month to read a book that takes me about a week to finish. Why so long? 'Cause they have kids. Wah. Cry me a river, already.*

Thanks for the suggestions

Even though I don't have any buns in the oven, I decided to follow-up on some of the suggested web viewings that a few of you guys posted. I have two new faves to add to my list of websites to peruse daily - Jezebel & dlisted.

Hilarious. Prior to these two websites, I didn't have a particularly strong opinion about Rachel Ray, but now I know that lots of people think that she's a tramp. My favorite comment on dlisted? " I bet when she has an orgasm she says 'yummo!'". Priceless.

Thanks for the tips.

Super-Just Okay.

After much anticipation, I watched Superbad last night. And I have to tell you, I gave it a B. I love Knocked Up, I love Jonah Hill....I may have built it up too much in my mind.

Parts were funny, but overall.....eh.

Just sayin'.....

Wedding Dance First As A Couple FUNNY Baby Got Back

This couple were on the Today show this morning. I don't think they get it - if Meredith Vieira & Matt Lauer think that you're funny, that means you're lame-o. Matt Lauer was like, "this is all over the interweb on youtube". Then Meredith chimed in, " oh, I'd like to see what the honeymoon dancing was like." Zing! On the plus side, congrats on having some rhythm & a gorgeous dress.

Their routine reminds me of that episode of Friends when Ross & Monica are finally able to perform their dance routine that they've been practicing since childhood on national television. Or worse, it looks like Cheri Oteri & Will Ferrell performing the ultimate cheer.

Baby, It's Cold Outside Part Two

YOWSA!!!

now, its wicked cold out there today! it took my eyelashes 10 minutes to defrost when i got to work.

(yes, that's a pic of vanilla ice)

She Bangs! She Bangs!

oh, kate. i love ya, ya button-nosed fashion vixon!

your first bob inspired my current hairstyle and now you've one-upped me yet again with these cute little bangie-bangs!

i think tom must be jealous of you.

a. because you have breasts, and he doesnt.
b. you can pull off bangs and he can't.

Help keep the boredom at bay.

As my sister mentions in her comment on this post, she is bored out of her mind as she waits for her new babies "to cook." Now, a lot of you are being completely a-some and lending her books to read. But if you don't mind helping out, let's list some fun blogs for her to look at to pass the time.

Here are my faves:

Cute Overload : your endorphins will thank you
Jezebel: great, snarky, just-feminist-enough
The Superficial: so bad, it's good
I Can Has Cheezeburger: internet phenomenon, weird and cute

This Movie is the Shiz

i. cannot. wait.

and it comes out on my bday, 1/18/08! its like a gift from god...zilla.

A note to all elevator riders

Please turn down or turn off your mp3 players in the elevator. During my 17-floor ride, I don't want to be forced to listen to your favorite walking-to-work songs. You are making everyone else uncomfortable. And, to those who turn up the volume just for the el, please be advised: No one cares. Kanye listeners, I know you are nodding your head because you understand the social oppression that poor minorities from the ghetto endure. Gen Xers, I know I shouldn't be fooled by the tailored suit you don - you are a Dr. Martens-wearing headbanger at heart (and peaked in the 90s). And parrotheads, I know that you would feel more at home on a beach sipping a an island drink. But, I don't need to hear it via your music selection at 8:30 in the morning.

The ONE THOUSANTH POST!

this is post #1,000!

hip-hip-hooray! so glad. so happy. so unpretty!

thanks to all of our non-readers out there, who live life each day oblivious to our rants and raves and utter love of the odd and seemingly unnoteable.

i love you beanorama, flip flop, miz cynical and notorious alg for helping me to keep it unpretty. you other lack-luster posters, suck it. we've carried your one-post-a-year ass for too long!

When You Have Pee...

just go! why is it so hard for me to get up and leave my desk though? i literally find myself dancing in my chair so that i can fight the flow!

its not like i am watching a really good movie, or someone is pouring their heart out to me...all i am doing is working or emailing or posting on so unpretty!

god. i need a comode under my desk.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

jeez. i think i lost a nipple somewhere between here and home.

Superman That Hoe

this video is short (only 40 second long so watch it!)the little boy really breaks it down. seriously. like i've never seen before.

p.s. so what does "superman that hoe" mean?
uh-get ready for it: it means to come on a girl's back and then flip her over. the bed sheets will then stick to her back, forming a cape. hence, superman that hoe.

'Cause Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

Last week I decided to e-mail my favorite gossip guru, Ted Casablanca at eonline.com a question. To my delight, he actually published it! You can check it out for yourself on the website or just see it below:

Dear Ted: Like you, I am deliciously awaiting the implosion of Brangelina. However, I'm a cynic, and I think they'll break up because Hollywood couples rarely last. Why do you think they're not going to last? Will Angelina return to her blood-vial tendencies? Is Brad too needy? I would really like to hear your sassy input on this.

Miz Cynical
Philadelphia

Dear Brange Buster-Upper: Simple, really. She’ll eventually get bored with Brad and move on to a new boy-toy or gal-pal, while Brad will get sick of being bossed around and outshined by do-gooding Angie.

J'adore le film -" Paris, Je 'taime"

This movie contains several short films involving an ensemble cast. Each short film is about a typical day for all of the characters in different neighborhoods in Paris. Some of the cast includes Steve Buscemi, Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gylennhaal and Natalie Portman. My favorite short film is the Coen brothers one that includes Steve Buscemi. It's typical Coen brothers quirkiness. The best aspect of the movie is the great shots of Paris. Whether you've been there before & want to reminisce about the scenery or the sights that you didn't see, or if you haven't been there & want to fall in love with a city that you haven't visited yet, this is a must-see.

*I've included one of my own favorite shots of Paris.

Movie Review - Rescue Dawn

This movie is edge of your seat, gut-wrenching intense. Christian Bale plays Dieter Dengler, a German American that's held hostage when his plan crashes during the Vietnam War. You'll love his can do spirit & it'll make you think about the pointlessness of the war. Steve Zahn & Jeremy Davies are also excellent. Jeremy Davies gets extra kudos for the massive amount of weight he lost for the role.

The Hess Truck - Lamest XMas Gift Ever

For years, I've been subjected to the same special Christmas edition Hess Truck commercial with that annoying jingle. "The Hess truck is here, the Hess truck's here!....." or some lame variation like that.

However, this year I couldn't help but wonder- who the hell gets a Hess Truck as a Christmas gift anyway? It sounds like a gift a kid would get from an absent-minded father. I picture some Homer Simpson-type of dad who forgot to go Christmas shopping. So he pulls into a Hess gas station at midnight on Christmas Eve picking up some control top pantyhose for his wife, cigars, beef jerky and oh, yeah, a Hess truck for his kid.

I guess if you're a collector of Hess trucks this is an exciting time of year for you and this gift isn't lame after all. It just means you're lame.

Isay...an imposter?

I admit it-- I'm a dork. (And so Web 2.0.) I listen to NPR's StoryCorps podcasts on iTunes.* If you don't know StoryCorps, it's basically an oral history project recorded in a van (pictured) or in a booth in NYC's Grand Central Station. The stories are really touching or sad or funny.

They were created by NPR's Dave Isay, who introduces each podcast segment with a pre-recorded little ditty. Coincidentally, Mr. Isay going to speak at the National Constitution Center about StoryCorps next week... but do I want to go? Not sure. I think Mr. Isay is an imposter because on every single podcast, you hear "Hi I'm So-and-So, filling in for Dave Isay this week." Where did Mr. Isay go? Why is everyone filling in for him? And is it filling in if he's never there?

Tough question I know.




*Unusual Suspect: is the fact that I listen to these podcasts as weird as Flip Flop reading history books or my Newsweek subscription?

Winter Denial.

When I awoke this morning, I had a craving for pancakes so I had to run to the convenience store to get eggs. The street and cars were covered in white. "Oh, how nice," I thought. "Petals everywhere!"

But the thought bothered me. Where are white petals coming from? Isn't my street full of puke-smelling ginko trees? Then As I got closer the the cars, I saw... snow. And ice. What a bummer!

I really am a sun and summer type of girl. Why don't I live in San Diego?

Reality Check

I saw this list posted on a celebrity blog and after considering it for a moment, thought to myself, "I wonder how Drew feels about Reesie Cups earning twice what she makes, despite the fact that she's been doing it longer?"

1. Reese Witherspoon - $15 to $20 million per pic
2. Angelina Jolie - $15 to $20 million (made only $8 million for Beowulf)
3. Cameron Diaz - $15 million
4. Nicole Kidman - $10 to $15 million
5. Renee Zellweger - $10 to $15 million
6. Sandra Bullock - $10 to $15 million
7. Julia Roberts - $10 to $15 million
8. Drew Barrymore - $10 to $12 million
9. Jodie Foster - $10 to $12 million
10. Halle Berry - $10 million

But, then i realized they are actually only one year apart (32 and 31 years old). AND, both of them have been acting since they were kids.

so then i asked myself, how must drew feel knowing that all things being equal, she still makes half as much as reese!

This song randomly gets stuck in my head

Someone shoot me.

And Speaking of Christmas Carols...

"Its All ABout the Bejamins Baby" excerpt

Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Its all about the benjamins baby

Verse five: notorious b.i.g.

I been had skills, cristal spills
Hide bills in brazil, about a mil to ice grill
Make it hard to figure me, liquor be, kickin me
In my asshole, uhhh, undercover, donni brascoe
Lent my east coast girl, the bentley to twirl (uh-huh)
My west coast shorty, push the chrome 740
Rockin redman and naughty, all in my kitty-kat
Half a brick of yea, in the bra, where her titties at
And Im livin that, whole life, we push weight (uh-huh)
Fuck the state pen, fuck hoes at penn state (cmon)
Listen close its francis, the praying mantis
Attack with the mac, my left hand spit, right hand
Grip on the whip, for the smooth getaway
Playa haters get away or my lead will spray
Squeeze off til Im empty, dont tempt me
Only, to hell I send thee, all about the benjis
What? ?

Outro: puff daddy

Its all about the benjamins baby
Uh-huh, yeah
(repeat 8x)

Hark, Why Arent The Herald Angels Singing?

is it me, or isnt there usually christmas songs flooding the radio stations by this time of year? it seems like they're actually running late? and while that's ok because i feel like sometimes they start too soon with the Mariah Carey/George Michael Christmas anthems, something seems wrong. almost like if i heard that amy winehouse was clean...

Holiday Shopping Tits -er, I Mean Tips

here are some tips to help you get holiday gift shopping ship-shape.

1. get organized. make a list. with a pencil. that way when someone on the list pisses you off, you can erase them and pretend they were never really on the list.

2. set a budget and make a plan for payment of your christmas/Hanukkah gifts. if you havent already saved money up for this shit show, then you are going to have to make some serious cut backs to your current spending and start allotting a certain amount from each paycheck to your gift-giving fund. start eating ramen noodles and anything canned and you should be good.

3. get a head start on your shopping online. i highly suggest amazon.com. there, you can create a shopping list. i have basically all of my gifts picked out and stored on my shopping list. with each paycheck, i pull a few off and buy them. within 48 hours, they are sitting on my desk. shopping online is also great because you can really bargain hunt without wasting the time and fuel you would use if you did it in person.

4. luckily, this is the time of the year when drinking--a lo-t-is socially acceptable and encouraged. their will be numerous holiday parties and happy hours and plenty of spiked egg nog for you to imbibe should you get stressed out with all the shopping and spending.

be strong. be good. and be merry.

Hey LC and Heidi, Look At What You've Got To Look Forward To...

yeah, thats right. this is what you'll surely become one day: The Real Housewives of Orange County. these freaks are scarier than any movie monster i've seen. they are pathetic in their attempts to remain young. the only thing they are obsessed with more than their looks, is their money and the fringe benefits that come with marrying well.

between the tanning, the expensive velour work-out outfits, the beemers, the diamonds and the foils these women are anything but "Real".

LC and Heidi: wake up and smell the soy chai latte. run from "The Hills" and get a real life in a city that actually values hard work more than cosmetic work...like Philly!

(Disclaimer: that was my single rant of the month. promise to not be so "V" for "Vendetta" from here on out.)

Seriously...

I hate Powerpoint slides. My eyes are burning. I have been editing slides for two hours. They suck so badly.

The good news is, the woman in the office next to me hums and sings aloud to "Big Girls Don't Cry..." so at least I have that going for me.

Sorry. Bah Humbug.

Fakery.

In the Ongoing, Everlasting, Great Debate: Is The Hills Real? here is something to watch out for-- during the big writer's strike, The Hills should be able to carry on uninturrupted.

BTW, doesn't Brody look hilarious in this photo?

Must See Movie: The Mist.

saw it, liked it, love to tell ya all about it...but, tis better to just get off thine own ass and see for yourself. get some popcorn while your at it. yes, you want the large for an extra quarter and by god, don't skimp on the butter, buddy. toss in some raisin-nets and you got yourself something to brag about.

best stephen king movie-made-from-one-of-his-books ever. well, second to The Shining.

oscar prediction: best supporting actress nod to marcia gay harden. you rocked it out, marsh.

Can You Imagine?

ok, you know its stressful enough to feud with a best friend, but can you even imagine being these two? Who's got the better magazine cover? I do! I do! That's a First Class ticket to Stress Vegas.

don't feel too bad for these dollies though. who knows if their battle is even real. and who do they think they are? the new paris and nicole? heidi definitely is getting that sickly rachel zoe look about her, so maybe...

these girls should make peace. and by make peace, i mean claw each other's eyes out.

whitney needs a spin off.

Do You Remember Your CPK?

CPK: Cabbage Patch Kid.

do you remember yours?

mine was named Maggie Paige. the names were always so weird.

whenever christmas time rolls around, i always get very nostalgic about the good ole times. when toys were a major priority.

take my hand. let me take you down Memory Lane...these toys meant the world to me:

1. My Little Pony
2. Rainbow Brite
3. Shera, Princess of Power
4. Jem, Truly Outrageous
5. Duck Hunt
6. Barbie
7. Popples
8. Pound Puppies

Over-what??

So, The Rube just got her second rabies and distemper shots. She hated it. She especially hated the thermometer up her cornhole, but who wouldn't, really? Anyway, her last vet appointment she was only about 4 months old... now she is over a year, and shall we say, significantly matured. Matured so much, in fact, that she has doubled her body weight from 6 pounds to almost 12. After getting weighed, the vet was like, "Don't gain any more weight, RUBY."

Well, she obvs meant this as a warning to me, like I am a bad mother stuffing my babylovecat with cake and ice cream. I take offense to that!! I mean, I do give her two "treaty-treats" so I can escape out the door every morning, but Smeds does the same with Buddha and HE'S fine!

And my apt is too small to give her a real workout. What should I do??

So This Bothers Me....

Yesterday, Beanorama and I were a-walking and a-talking down Kelly Drive. We walked 3.5 miles and didn't even really try to! I was proud.

Although the show has been long-retired and is in syndication, my thoughts often travel to the women of SATC. And yes, I do believe that most things in life can be related to one or more episodes. Just not the one with the comic book guy and the fried chicken. I hated that one.

Anyway, Beanorama and I discussed the following:

Charlotte gives Carrie (who is BROKE as a joke) her engagement ring to use as a down payment on her apartment so Carrie can buy it. Now, even if Charlotte's ring was worth 100,000 bones, that's still not THAT much money for a NYC brownstone apartment. Carrie's mortgage must be through the roof and she has to pay Char back. Beanorama supplied that her apartment WAS rent-controlled, but still....the figures just don't add up.

Discuss.

Smartest Baby Boy Around!

This kid is so cute. He takes after me, his "Aunt of Convenience" as his father calls me. Anyway, he has learned three new things lately:

1. The word "book" -- he's clearly going to be a brilliant English professor.
2. The word "up" -- with appropriately upstretched arms and sweet smile begging to be hugged.
3. How to pick his nose.

What a lovebug!

Can I borrow Ruby?

Well, mark it down. On November 25, 2007, I saw my first city mouse. It was in my kitchen sink, and I had a minor heart attack. It was awful. Without getting into the gory details, the mouse is now rotting in hell. But, I was thinking this morning about Tom and Jerry. As a naive child, I would root for Jerry, the disgusting, disease-ridden mouse. What a sick kid I was. Also, if I had a cat like Tom who couldn't catch a mouse, I would be in the market for a new feline. I must end this post now, as I need to call an exterminator.

WTF advice columnists?

Today I read Dear Abby and some other syndicated advice column, and I almost peed mis pantalones on just how outdated the advice was!

First, some highschool girl wrote into Dear Abby that she hadn't had a boyfriend in a while, and she was a cute girl who likes makeup and clothes but also likes paintball and some boys' sports. She said a couple of guys didn't like her back and instead "liked her as a friend." OK, you think, young gal, seems pretty normal, tell her just to keep having fun and doing what she likes and soon enough, a boy will come along that likes her for all the things she listed.

But no. Abby's brilliant, June-Cleaver-esque advice? "Downplay the sports and things that you are into and try to be more girly." Are you effing kidding me?

I turn the newspaper page.... and I found another redic advice column, but I forget what it was right now, so I will finish this later.

A few of my favorite things

My train back to the city is in one hour. Here are a few of my favorite things about being home:

-Zippo
-Home-cooked meals
-Food in general
-Blue, my car
-Cable TV
-Extra rooms to walk through
-Internet access
-Bothering my sister
-Appliances that aren't possessed

THE TURKEY SONG

Happy Thanksgiving! The essential Thanksgiving song courtesy of Adam Sandler.

What Ever Happened To Eddie Winslow?

the older brother from "Family Matters", Eddie Winslow, was brought up tonight and it got me thinking. I wonder what ever happened to him and do people still call him Eddie Winslow.

i hope he is safe and having a happy thanksgiving.

here's to you E-Win.

Mike Who?

so i took the quiz, beano, hoping that it would finally help me decide between obama and hillary and was distressed to learn that my number one candidate was neither and even worse, it was a guy i have never even heard of!

1. mike gravel
2. dennis whatever
3. jon edwards

i don't know anything about MG except that we agree on a lot of things, so i guess that's saying something right? however, i do think jon edwards is just adorable and charming and very smart and passionate. and his name could very well be spelled john. i guess its ok to go with my number 3.

popsie tells me it doesnt matter who i vote for anyway. by the time i will vote, the demo will already be selected, so no big woop, huh?

Confession

i have never, ever, ever, ever even tried to wear a thong.

never. not once. never will. don't care.

top that.

and on a somewhat related topic, "being sexy", i think that it depends on your interpretation of what IS sexy. to me, being sexy is more an attitude and less a hem line or high heel. i realized this when planning a mandatory "sexy" outfit for an upcoming event. stressing over finding a sexy outfit felt weird and foreign to me. and then i realized why...i don't wear sexy clothes. why start now? i am much better at being myself than a sex kitten.

If We Took A Holiday...

yes, as the material girl sang, if we take some time to celebrate it would be...it would be...it would be so nice.

i am sooo looking forward to the 5 day weekend. off work until next monday and does it feel great.

my plans, simple yet superb:

1. watch daytime tellie with my love muffin, Sadie.
2. dress up as a pilgrim.
3. eat lots of home cookin'.
4. do more shopping for xmas.
5. go see The Mist, sure to be awesome.

its less like thanksgiving and more like my Unusual's Favorite Things (shout out to Miz Cyn for posting the hilario Oprah spoof).

p.s. pictured above is a young martha stewart, who i have always imagined as the patron saint of thanksgiving. also, love her because she is polish.

peace, love and weight watchers, ya'll.

Ready, Set, Birth

Just in case you weren't aware, on today's Oprah she's going to have that annual orgasmic fest episode that she calls "Oprah's Favorite Things". This SNL skit is my favorite depiction of what happens during this out of control episode:

What is your will, Beelzebub?

So, we've all heard crazy stories about city life. There's hand-job handymen, golden crazies, mushrooms that aren't so magic and more. (Incog, I dedicate my linking skills to you.) Well, I've got a doozie for you. One night last week I heard beeping. It was slow at first, maybe every three minutes. Then, it sped up. I realized it was my microwave. Here is what I saw:

06:34
--:--
--:-6
--:66
-6:66
66:66

It just kept beeping. At first it would clear when I pressed buttons, but then the force grew more powerful, and there was nothing I could do. I unplugged it and tried to forget about the frightening incident. Then, I plugged it back in a few days later and lived two days in peace until it started up again. For now it is unplugged. I am a little worried for my soul.

Harry Potter did what?

I don't mean to make light of a gruesome murder that occurred in Italy between two study abroad roommates - one is an American girl & the murdered roommate is a British girl. However, when I saw the suspects in this case, I couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the American girl's boyfriend & Harry Potter.

Adventures in Suburbia, Part 1: I declare war on all squirrels in the Delco area

Ok, a few days ago I diligently planted about 40-50 tulip bulbs in the garden wall on the side of my house. With fall quickly fading & the inevitable approach of winter moving in, the thought of bright, colorful tulips in the spring will get me through the barrenness of winter.

Well, not soon after I planted these bulbs & was still taking Advil by the fistful to help me recover from all of the digging, did I see a fat, little squirrel outside of my kitchen window nibbling on what I instantly recognized as one of my Big Smile bulbs, one of the best & top quality yellow tulip bulbs. That dumb squirrel must have thought that it caught the nut of lifetime, given the size of it. I was furious. I didn't mind during the summer when the squirrels would dig through my pots on my front porch. At least then I could just smooth the soil back over to cover the plants again. But I've finally reached my breaking point with those fuzzy rats. I can only imagine how many more of my bulbs have or will succumb to the same fate. I'm fearful that I won't have any tulips at all to cheer me up in March & April. I didn't work my ass off to have some dumb squirrel ruin it.

That's when I decided death to all squirrels in Delaware County. I instantly began researching squirrel/bulb solutions from squirrel traps to BB guns to poison. I, like most people, abide by the unwritten agreement that we have with squirrels, which is to carefully drive around them when we see them in the road or to not chase them off our property. Not anymore. If I see a squirrel running across the street, I will now do my damnedest to run it over with the hopes that I either a) get the son of a bitch squirrel that's taken my tulips or b) send a message to that squirrel's friends that Miz Cynical is coming after him. I will have tulips come spring or else.

Bring it, bitch.