I Love Make-Up

Not that I didn't want to look at Toastee anymore, but all gals that read this post needs to buy LashExact mascara.

It rules.

And so does Latifah.

So Uncharming

my new favorite show: Flavor of Love's Charm School

this show is effing hysterical. i give props to Mo'Nique, the host of the show, who is trying to teach these ghetto-fab girlies how to be ladies, but she must know by now, there is NO HELPING THEM. they are straight up unpretty.

and to be honest, i really don't want them to change. they are incredibly funny and make me laugh out loud (which tv rarely does).

i wouldnt fuck with a single one of them either. in last night's episode one girl named Pumpkin decided to teach another girl a lesson by hanging her dirty, stained panties over her framed picture in the their communal bedroom, for all the other girls and vh1's national viewing audience to see.

ga-ross. but, also, ga-reat!

p.s. the girl pictured above is nick-named Toastee because she is always drunk.

Can You Believe This?

when i went to post a comment to one of the posts this morning, the password verification code was:

iFuCkit

i am not kidding. blogger, you are so unpretty. and i love it.

You may not be Father of the Year, but I still like 'ya

So, the latest in the Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger drama involves their unfortunately named kid, Ireland.
*Note to self - when having kids, name them after countries.*

Anyhoo, the voicemail that Alec left for the kid was "leaked" to TMZ.com. I have to admit that I'm biased in this situation because I think he's hilarious & obviously the most talented of the Baldwin brood, but in reality, what he said wasn't that bad. 1) You have to consider that an 11 yr. old in Hollywood years is like, 25 in regular people years 'cause of all the crap that they've seen & or done. Plus, she's a Hollywood kid which means that she's probably spoiled & deserved a talking too. Just think what Paris Hilton would have turned out like if she was told what a worthless human being she is at a young age. 2) I could totally relate when he stumbled over how old his kid is. As much as my mom talks about how much of a struggle it was to birth me, she probably still thinks I'm 22.

Instead, I think that more attention needs to be paid to Kim Basinger's motives & the effect that an acrimonius divorce has on children that are caught in the middle. Baldwin was angry, but he never crossed the line & said what I thought he was going to, like "you're a dirty whore, just like your momma", or even calling her fat. He was inappropriately lashing out at his daughter who is being used as a pawn by her mom. Also, this was a bad situation, but why on earth did Kim Basinger think that the end (exposing her ex-husband as someone who's capable of losing his temper & getting angry); justified the means (publicly humiliating her daughter by having this play out over evey possible news outlet)?

Alec shouldn't be painted as this vile person. I'm sure if any parent was taped talking angrily to their kid & had it played back, it would sound pretty vile.

Look at it this way, her mom has opened the door for Ireland to pursue writing a tell-all book on her horrible upbringing. Or, maybe it'll be a book on tape :)

Ray Nagin, USA's dumbest mayor

I’m sure you’ve heard about the latest stupid actions of New Orleans’ mayor, Ray Nagin. Last week, he went on a tour with some of Mayor Street’s people to view what the Neighborhood Transformation Initiative has done to improve blight in Philly neighborhoods. While Mayor Nagin was here, he had nothing but compliments for our efforts. However, once he was back in New Orleans, he sang a different tune at some forum that he was hosting. Here’s what he said: “Let me tell you something. I want you to go to Philly, and you will appreciate how clean New Orleans is. Just go and walk around Philly a little bit," Nagin told the crowd Saturday in New Orleans. "You will appreciate – am I lying? You will appreciate New Orleans. We still have work to do but we definitely beat them by a long shot."

Now, I'm sure that Mayor Nagin was probably just trying to instill some civic pride in his community & kind of "rally the troops". Probably similar to when Mayor Street said "that the brothers & sisters are running this city". However, I couldn't help but feel a little bit idignant.

Like, Mayor Nagin, I've got news for you. New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina - hot, hedonistic, impoverished shithole. New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina - wet, impoverished shithole (it's a little less hedonistic because you can't really practice voodoo when you're trying not to drown). Also, after you & your administration had the brilliant idea to horde your own residents into a stadium without access to clean water & food, guess what dirty city decided to take in the hurricane survivors & provide them with housing & access to educational facilities?

That's right, Philly.

So, as you & your administration sort out how your comments were taken out of context, I think what you meant to say to Philadelphia was "thank you".

You're welcome, dumbass.

So Unpretty 1st Birthday Party

its a place so nice, she's been there thrice: Alfa.

its on walnut street, between 17th & 18th Sts.

join me, beanorama, and flip flop girl at 6:15 on wednesday for a cocktail if you dare (or care).

birthday presents encouraged and unappreciated :)

Happy Earth Day, Earth

Dear Earth,

heard its your big day. Happy Earth Day to you. do you feel any older? ah, well. just remember, age is just a number.

something i am going to start doing as my gift to you: i'm going to bring my own coffee mug to work and use that every morning for my cup of joe instead of using styrofoam coffee cups every morning. if i do that one little thing, that means at least 5 less cups i throw away each week, or 260 cups a year. i'll also start using my mug for water, instead of plastic water cups (and I probably peel through at least 2 of those a day, which means 10 cups a week or 520 cups a year).

i'll include a gift receipt (recyclable of course) in case you don't like that.

hope you have a great year. don't eat too much cake, you!

love,
me

Kathy Griffin Is One Funny Bitch

saturday night i went to see Kathy Griffin live at the Tower theater. yes, she was funny. she commented on everything from American Idol to Larry King Live (from Metallica to Mozart, if you will).

the night as a whole was quite an experience. we had korean bar-b-que for the first time. it wasnt what i expected-not that my expectations were much. mostly i just pictured a giant rack of ribs coated in something korean (whatever that means). it was very good, but not much different than chinese. granted, i don't think we actually ordered something that you could bbq (which happens right at your table; think hibatchi).

something i learned though. unless you plan on going straight home, do not take left overs to go. we did, and it proved to be one of the most polish things ever. bbq smell engulfed the whole car (despite the food being locked in the truck) and it continued to rot there for the next 24 hours because we left the car at the parking garage over night. not one of our most brilliant moments.

but, hey. we sho'nough had us some fun, laughs and bbq.

oh, and how can i forget. the cab we took home had a crisp $20 bill laying in the backseat when we got in. it was as if god himself said, "hey kids, ride's on me."

Hey, Want to See Two Guys Kiss?

go here to see super riske mtv commercial not shown in U.S.:

http://adage.com/video/Player.php?s=OjEwNDc6N2VmZjNmMmQ6MQ

(its ok to watch guys, so unpretty won't tell)

Should I Be Worried?

that not one person has commented about the b-day party next wed.?

what the fuck, mother fuckers?!

p.s. speaking of b-day, i just bought my ticket to see Beyonce on August 10th. i am paying over $100 bucks. am i a retard? or incredibly lucky to have the honor of seeing lady b?

honored it is.

thanks and good night.

Seven Whole Grains on a Mission.......

Unless I am a little tipsy, I don't really eat cereal. I know, it's weird. But when I am a few cocktails deep, I delve into my sister's stash of Smart Start, Pirates of the Caribbean (so good), and Nature Valley cereals. But I stay away from her Kashi.

Kashi has always reminded me of one of my college roommates who had a love affair with fiber and would eat "Good Friends," or something that she told me had sticks in it. Nasty. I tried it once and almost gagged.

My sister has moved on to Kashi Go Lean bars, which are pretty good. And on the telly the other day, I saw a commercial for Kashi that motivated me to give it another try (or surf, but that's not happening today). Kashi.com is giving away free samples of Kashi Go Lean Crunch!

http://kashi.com/trialevent3/freesample/

More on Fergalicious.

1) I know Unusual & FlipDog think Fergie's daddy was the one saying "take your broke ass home" but upon further listening inspection, Daddy actually was telling her that the "industry is cold" and I believe the chorus "if you ain't got no money take your broke ass home" was just an example of how that industry is dang cold.

2) I kept singing "flouncy, flouncy." Clearly I am not hip with the lingo. Urban Dictionary tells me FLOSSY means showy.


3) I love how she talks about flyin' first class, and champagne, and all sorts of expensive material shit, then she drops her Jenny-From-The-Block reference saying she eats at Taco Bell, and is therefore still "real." She probably just mixes her burritos with caviar.



4) Also-- is this Jenny-from-the-block-y too? She reminisces about the days she drove a Mustang. Wait-- is a Mustang supposed to be a poor person car? Shouldn't she say "my beat-up VW Rabbit"? Or better yet-- her meth addiction?



I love Josh Duhamel.

Obnoxious

is this not the most obnoxious cd cover art ever?

everytime i look at it, it makes me laugh because its ridiculous. i can just hear the artists cracking jokes as they retouched the photo and kept confirming with the art diretor that they were in fact supposed to be doing this.

i will take this opportunity to admit though i LOVE the song, "Last Night" on this album by Ditty and Keisha Cole.

too bad ditty's a douche.

My Sunday Triple Feature

on this past rainy, dreary, coldy-cats sunday, i saw not one, not two, but three movies. nay, i only had one bag of popcorn (i know i let you down flip).

one was a film showcased in the Philadelphia Film Festival, Eagle vs. Shark. basically, it was the new zealand version of napolean dynamite. very funny, very sweet, very nerdy. two artsie thumbs up.

the next two were part of a gruesome double feature, Grindhouse. unreal, unforgettable and so unpretty (in a good way). Four stars to the movies directors, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino.

Gentlemen: you are two very sick, very psychotic man-freaks and your gross use of special effects is matched only by your creativity and craziness.

fun trivia for fellow Tarantino fans, provided by jmoney and confirmed by imdb.com: zoe bell, who plays herself in Tarantino's flick, Death Proof, was Uma Thurman's stunt double in Kill Bill 1 & 2.

Mama Needs a New Shell for her Celly, Yo

so, one night, somebody got me really drunk against my will and i somehow lost THE BACK of my cell phone. don't ask me how, don't ask me why, but just the back of the friggin thing is missing. i swear, thats more annoying than losing the entire phone because at least if i were to have lost the phone itself, i would be forced to just go and buy a brand new one. but, since its just the back piece of cosmetic plastic, eh, i can make due.

i have been trying to figure out how i can score a new back for weeks. i thought of stealing the back of my bosses (he has the same model) but then i thought it best to not lose my job too.

then i discovered something on ebay and now i am know it was fate. did you know that you can get your cell phone a whole new wardrobe? i am torn between the leopard and the pink mum designs.

and since their so cheap, why not both?

cell phone without a back, so unpretty. new cell phone shell, rockin.

Why OCD pays.

Are you one of those people that goes back to check to make sure the oven is off? Who can't rest unless they SEE the iron unplugged? I am too, I admit. It's not a super-duper case of OCD, just enough to keep me on edge.

And I'm not ashamed, oh no. Because OCD pays. Today, I got a block away from my apartment before a nagging feeling about my hair straightener came over me. I stood for a good ten seconds on the sidewalk, trying to quell my inner obsessive, until I gave into temptation and hoofed back to my apt.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear but my hair straightener, in the locked position, but plugged in and ON.

Thank you, OCD. Without you, Ruby might have burned her little kitty nose. Or my apt might be ashes.

Happy Birthday So Unpretty!

still have baby teeth? check.
potty trained? check.
tits still perky? check.
skin still loveley? check.

your favorite, snarky, sassy, brassy blog is celebrating HER FIRST BIRTHDAY! can you believe So Unpretty is one year old this month? i can't. who knew we could bitch for a year straight?

save the date of wednesday, april 25th, 6:00-??.

if you are reading this post, consider yourself invited. the venue is tbd for the time being. post your suggestions though. i am happy to rip them apart :) just kidding...but i'm not.

for old time's sake, here is the first ever post.

What the East Coast is missing.

My trip out West confirmed what I've always suspected: that "my type" of guy is a surfer, and surfers do not live in Center City Philadelphia. I love the beach, as do surfers, of course. I love to travel-- heck, surfers are always jetting off to the Maldives or Oahu or Austrailia or Costa Rica. I love skinny but muscular dudes- ahem, aka a surfer's bod. I like their steeze. And I like blonde hair, or closely shorn brunettes. In fact, I am tempted to move 3,000 miles just for the boys. Which would be a losery thing to do.

Not better than ever, but I am back.

I'm back from vaycay, and giving you this little gem: GAEL GARCIA BERNAL. My Netflix, glorious Netflix delivered Y Tu Mama Tambien into my mailbox, and I thank myself for my insight so long ago for putting this flick in my queue.

Despite the loads of somewhat discomfort-inducing teenage sex, it was a durn good movie, subtitles and all. And it starred the hottest man in Mexico. Y Gael Tambien, indeed.

J-Lo that Low?

yo' jen, wuz up wit u being on American Idol this week? album sales that low?

damn, mommy. times must be tough.

i would like to remind you of what you once were: a fur coat wearin', p-ditty lovin', slamming, bamming, ab-crunching, fierce, Louis Vuitton reppin', dance club diva with a tasty movie career al la carte.

i sure do miss me some vintage jennifer lopez.

prescription: get a d-vorce, move back to the block, throw on some transparent versace and cut another dance hit that will be on your next romantic comedy movie soundtrack and call me in the morning.

yours truly,
dr. so unpretty

And Now We Know...

who Anna's Baby Daddy is...

dear, dear danielynn. i'm sorry. on behalf of the entire human race, i extend our heartfelt pity. larry just doesnt seem like the sharpest tool in the toolshed...the ripest berry on the vine...the hardest nipple in a playboy.

but cheer up. you're a kajillionaire and most likely, you can buy your scarecrow papa a brain when you get to emerald city. and maybe you can convince him to stop FROSTING his fucking hair because that makes him look even more stupid.

-wait, is that possible?

Alert: Sunday Nights Are Once Again AWESOME

two of my fave shows are back and i couldnt be happier:

1. Sopranos
2. Entourage

i sure do love me some mafia and some ari gold. oh, if only they could be in the same show! that would be great.

ari popping a cap in AJ's ass? great tv there my girlfriends.

also, i have a #3 great show on sundays now too. the new showtime series, "The Tudors".

more english cheeky bums that you can shake a stick at.

cheerio love.

Ever Wonder?

what that awesome song is playing in the Liberty Mutual commerical where people help other people after observing people helping other people-wait, i just confused myself. but do you know what i'm talking about?

well, anyway, the band is Hem and the song is called "Half Acre" and i just bought it on itunes and its, well, AWESOME.

mushy, but awesome. i am as obsessed with it as i was with "Breathe Me" by Sia when it played in the series finale of Six Feet Under (the undisputed best tv series EVER).

enjoy.

and your welcome.

The Meaning of Easter (according to the Book of Flip)

I know that Easter is supposed to be the most important Catholic holiday, but let's be serious - there's not much to get excited about. Except for one thing, of course. The Ten Commandments. I don't care that it's eight hours long, that the love triangle involves two siblings and two cousins or that Moses' beard at the end looks less realistic than that of my local mall Santa Claus.

The best part of the movie is the first couple of hours when Moses is a carefree and popular prince who thinks he is Egyptian and is in love with the future Queen (his cousin). Although the following statement may be blasphemous, it must be said - I always wish that he would just tell the Pharaoh that he denounces his Hebrew heritage. Then, he would have been free to marry Nefertiri and could free the slaves once his uncle died if he wanted.

Anyway, just thought I would share. Peace be with you.

Pop It Like It's Hot

I think I will indulge in some sparkling Asti tonight. Unusual, you pickin up what I'm throwin down? My mouth is watering already.

Roll Out Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer

I know I sound like everyone else in the Northeast right now, but what is with this weather?!?! I can't take it anymore. I check weather.com 11 times a day hoping to see a change. Where is my mid-70s day? I know we just had a couple of nice ones, but that was just a tease. I promptly boxed up all my sweaters and winter-wear, only to be disheartened when I was forced to don a scarf just a few days later. Things best change soon, for I will not be a happy camper if I am wearing a jacket during my bday weekend. (Like how I slipped in my birthday? Welcome to April, bitches!)

Allll By My-sell-ee-elf... The Sequel

Roommie and pissing dog have been gone for seven days and counting. I am not even jealous that she is in Florida enjoying the warm weather and the blazing sun because I am home basking in her absence. Here are a couple things I can do without her around.

I can watch Biography, the news, The History Channel and The Discovery Channel without assanine questions, disinterested sighs or annoying comments from the other couch.

I can walk around without having to climb over the dog's baby gate, which is conveniently located in front of the bathroom.

I can eat greasy, unhealthy food without getting a guilt trip about it.

I can mention people without hearing her opinion of them, which is based solely on appearance. For example, someone with crooked teeth or frizzy hair could not possibly be funny or interesting.

I could go on and on and on. But, you get the picture.

Good God, Its Good Friday

peace be with you.

and also with you.

we lift up our hearts.

we lift them up to the lord.

go in peace today. go in peace.

"If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home!"

who IS fergie's daddy and why did he tell her this?

its so mean.

(i hope people get this)

Allll By My-sell-ee-elf...

don't wanna blog alll by my-self anymore-ee-or.

Bladder Be Gone

for some reason when i am at work it seems like such a nuisance to go pee. why must i stop whatever i am doing every 3 hours or so to empty my tank? i hate it so much that it makes me want to not drink any fluids during the day, but then i would have to give up my coffee, my coke zero and my daily dose of airborne.

oh-why-oh-why must the bathroom be located OUTSIDE of our office? and why-oh-why can i not place a greater priority on relieving myself?

everyday i find myself literally gritting my teeth in pain as i hold it so i can just get that one...last...email...sent...oh, god!

beano, i know you have the same problem. thank god we have started granting each other permission to get up and GO! i swear i wouldnt if you didnt yell at me sometimes.

do you think our office supply catalog sells commodes?

Uh, How 'Bout You Don't Call Me Honey

or baby or dear or sweetie for that matter. do not call me anything but my name and we'll be fast friends.

next time you do it, i'm going bette davis on your ass.

Do You Think I Care?

...well, sorta, i guess or i wouldnt be posting this.

i dont know if any of you boneheads ever listen to Q102 in the morning, but if you do, then you know that Booker recently disengaged from his engagement. now the morning show is littered with comments about his loneliness and love gone bad.

here's the thing-i have a heart and if this is true, it is sad. but the fact that its openly discussed EVERY morning for thousands of listeners, i cant help but doubt its authenticity? is it just a stunt? and if so, what is the value of doing something like that? other than it obviously has me talking about it.

hmmmm.

No Bones About It

so, whether you have a pussy or a pooch, i am sure you have heard about the pet food scare. didnt think it would really affect the unusual suspect household, but it has.

since they have started adding things to the DO NOT EAT LIST, i have decided that i can no longer give my little puppy angel wet food. its just too risky.

however, the problem is that my little puppy angel aint having it. she won't just eat the dry by itself. and who can blame her? thats like eating mash potatoes without the gravy. or eating spaghetti without the red sauce. or having pizza without pepperoni. ok, i'll stop. you get the point.

so now i have resorted to the next taboo-chopping up human food and mixing it in with her kibble.

damn that stinkin' wheat glutin and the pain its caused. damn it straight to H-E-L-L!

As Elizabeth Taylor Once Exclaimed...

"GLAAAADIATOR!"

anyone remember that fantastic delivery at the Academy Awards a few years ago, when movie legend, Elizabeth Taylor, announced that it had one best picture?

it was spoofed by Molly Shannon on SNL because it was that funny.

however, i must say that Liz's excitement (oddly exaggerated as it was) was in fact warranted. what a beautiful movie. and just as moving as the story was the soundtrack. if you want to know what i'm talking about, download "Now We Are Free" by Hans Zimmer and Lisa G.

i have no effing clue what the woman is saying (because its in a strange and ancient language) but that doesnt matter a bit. its still incredibly moving and makes me want to don a sword and a breastplate and fight a lion.