If We Took A Holiday...

yes, as the material girl sang, if we take some time to celebrate it would be...it would be...it would be so nice.

i am sooo looking forward to the 5 day weekend. off work until next monday and does it feel great.

my plans, simple yet superb:

1. watch daytime tellie with my love muffin, Sadie.
2. dress up as a pilgrim.
3. eat lots of home cookin'.
4. do more shopping for xmas.
5. go see The Mist, sure to be awesome.

its less like thanksgiving and more like my Unusual's Favorite Things (shout out to Miz Cyn for posting the hilario Oprah spoof).

p.s. pictured above is a young martha stewart, who i have always imagined as the patron saint of thanksgiving. also, love her because she is polish.

peace, love and weight watchers, ya'll.

Ready, Set, Birth

Just in case you weren't aware, on today's Oprah she's going to have that annual orgasmic fest episode that she calls "Oprah's Favorite Things". This SNL skit is my favorite depiction of what happens during this out of control episode:

What is your will, Beelzebub?

So, we've all heard crazy stories about city life. There's hand-job handymen, golden crazies, mushrooms that aren't so magic and more. (Incog, I dedicate my linking skills to you.) Well, I've got a doozie for you. One night last week I heard beeping. It was slow at first, maybe every three minutes. Then, it sped up. I realized it was my microwave. Here is what I saw:

06:34
--:--
--:-6
--:66
-6:66
66:66

It just kept beeping. At first it would clear when I pressed buttons, but then the force grew more powerful, and there was nothing I could do. I unplugged it and tried to forget about the frightening incident. Then, I plugged it back in a few days later and lived two days in peace until it started up again. For now it is unplugged. I am a little worried for my soul.

Harry Potter did what?

I don't mean to make light of a gruesome murder that occurred in Italy between two study abroad roommates - one is an American girl & the murdered roommate is a British girl. However, when I saw the suspects in this case, I couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the American girl's boyfriend & Harry Potter.

Adventures in Suburbia, Part 1: I declare war on all squirrels in the Delco area

Ok, a few days ago I diligently planted about 40-50 tulip bulbs in the garden wall on the side of my house. With fall quickly fading & the inevitable approach of winter moving in, the thought of bright, colorful tulips in the spring will get me through the barrenness of winter.

Well, not soon after I planted these bulbs & was still taking Advil by the fistful to help me recover from all of the digging, did I see a fat, little squirrel outside of my kitchen window nibbling on what I instantly recognized as one of my Big Smile bulbs, one of the best & top quality yellow tulip bulbs. That dumb squirrel must have thought that it caught the nut of lifetime, given the size of it. I was furious. I didn't mind during the summer when the squirrels would dig through my pots on my front porch. At least then I could just smooth the soil back over to cover the plants again. But I've finally reached my breaking point with those fuzzy rats. I can only imagine how many more of my bulbs have or will succumb to the same fate. I'm fearful that I won't have any tulips at all to cheer me up in March & April. I didn't work my ass off to have some dumb squirrel ruin it.

That's when I decided death to all squirrels in Delaware County. I instantly began researching squirrel/bulb solutions from squirrel traps to BB guns to poison. I, like most people, abide by the unwritten agreement that we have with squirrels, which is to carefully drive around them when we see them in the road or to not chase them off our property. Not anymore. If I see a squirrel running across the street, I will now do my damnedest to run it over with the hopes that I either a) get the son of a bitch squirrel that's taken my tulips or b) send a message to that squirrel's friends that Miz Cynical is coming after him. I will have tulips come spring or else.

Bring it, bitch.

Happy Friday.....

Happy Friday, everyone! As I kicked through leaves and inhaled the fall air with a warm cup of Wawa Chocolate Caramel coffee in my hand this morning, I thought: "Life is good."

I think this was enhanced by the idea that I have two sleep-in days ahead of me. A-some. Or as my friend the Red says, "Awesome-o."

Spring Rolls With a Side of Stabbing?

So, apparently a cook at a Houlihan's in Wilmington stabbed a waitress who would not go out with him. YIKES.

Sir, just take no for an answer and move on. Honestly.

The waitress was apparently cornered in the bathroom where she was stabbed. She is listed in critical condition.

Rice and beans for a name?

The other day I went to Bugaboo Creek steak house with my mother and sister. (We were shopping, my sis is preggo, we were starving... we had to pick the closest place.) This place is heavily themed... as... well, the Web site says it's themed as the Canadian Rockies, but I just thought it was going for "hunting lodge" decor.

Anyway... our waitress was named -- wait for it-- Jambalaya. Yup, that's right. Like the paella-esque rice meal. I tried to look at the other wait staff to see if it was a joke, like maybe they all had foodie names like "gumbo," "chile," or "macaroni salad," but all I saw was a "Lisa" and other normal names.

I even double checked the check, but yup! There is was: Server Name - Jambalaya.

Weird.

Yeah, He Said That

On making a name for himself: "Like I said, I would do reality TV forever. It's so much cooler to have people come up to me and be like, 'Spencer Pratt!' and know my name, than to be Orlando Bloom, who's famous for being some pirate."

Now That's a Threesome

Steve Correll doing Michael Scott doing Survivor Man.

genious.

Echoing Light

Poem by: W.S.Merwin, photo by A.Sembrot

When I was beginning to read I imagined
that bridges had something to do with birds
and with what seemed to be cages but I knew
that they were not cages it must have been autumn
with the dusty light flashing from the streetcar wires
and those orange places on fire in the pictures
and now indeed it is autumn the clear
days not far from the sea with a small wind nosing
over dry grass that yesterday was green
the empty corn standing trembling and a down
of ghost flowers veiling the ignored fields
and everywhere the colors I cannot take
my eyes from all of them red even the wide streams
red it is the season of migrants
flying at night feeling the turning earth
beneath them and I woke in the city hearing
the call notes of the plover then again and
again before I slept and here far downriver
flocking together echoing close to the shore
the longest bridges have opened their slender wings

"Brandy Alexander"

by Fiest

Though I'd like to be the girl for him
And cross the sea and land for him
On milky skin my tongue is sand until
The ever distant band begins to play

He's my Brandy Alexander
Always gets me into trouble
But that's another matter
Brandy Alexander

Though you know what I love most of him
I'm walking on needles and pins
My addiction to the worst of him
The low moon helps me sing

I'm his Brandy Alexander
Always get him into trouble
I hide that I'm flattered
Brandy Alexander

Goes down easy
It goes down easy

Brandy Alexander

Who's you candidate?

So I took this ABC poll to have them tell me my idea presidential candidate. I got a little scared: What if... oh my gosh... I'm deep down a Republican? But phew, I am not. My top three candidate matches were:

1. Joe Biden: Hey, I'm cool with him. He's from The First State. He's outspoken. He was the only one after 9/11 not acting like it was the end of the world as we know it, and he made me and the folks at UD feel better. He ain't gonna win, but I do like him.

2. Dennis Kucinich: Really? I hadn't thought much about him. He once made me lose a quiz game. Isn't this the guy that brought up UFOs at the Presidential Debate?

3. Hillary Clinton: ok phew. Someone with an actual shot. Aside from this poll, I am torn between Hill and Obama, and it's interesting that Obama doesn't even show up in my computer-generated results. But I will say, the more I've been paying attention to Hillary, the more she's impressed me. And oh! The joy I get envisioning my Republican uncles' reaction when Hill becomes pres... that makes it worth it. (Hey, I've had to sit through Bush for two terms...)

Check Yo' Self

hi. let me introduce myself. i am (proudly) one of those freaky people you will come across in life who truly loves the abnormal. and by abnormal, specifically, i mean the things other people do not tend to love. in fact, they probably loathe.

for instance: airport security check points. can't get enough of 'em.

let me explain this before you stop reading because you think i am half lit.

i am a very...[dramatic pause and emphasis on the next word]...VERY nervous flyer. mostly because i don't have wings.

ever since terrorism has become a fact of life, its been pretty bad. aside from flying with a sane partner and medication, the only other thing that makes it bearable to board a plane is feeling as though i and all those who will be boarding the aircraft have been put through the ringer while checking in. this may be a false sense of security, but so is social security. suck it.

i was reminded of the warm feelings this happy chore fills me with this weekend. my favorite part is when you and all these strangers around you have to take their shoes off. how many times in your life have you found yourself standing around in your socks with a bunch of strangers otherwise fully dressed? not many, i would bet. and its sorta fun. its like we all feel vulnerable and stupid and there is nothing really can really do about it except smile, pretend its normal, and discreetly check each other's sock patterns out.

oh, and how can i forget? the next best part is watching the bitch and the jerk who consider this a MAJOR INCONVENIENCE are always the chumps who get the full bag search. i love watching them silently huff and puff as a guard completely empties out their personal belongings and inspects their diaper rash ointment and tampons in front of everyone in line.

so great.

Another little link if you're bored...

In case you are lying in bed, bored out of your mind, here's a little something to help pass the time:

Passive Aggressive Notes

I think we all know how irritating Passive Aggression can be. And now- it's funny!

(Kinda' reminds me of an email of an article that a certain company got from its HR person that was all about annoying work habits...)

For Alexa.

Something bad has happened.

Saladworks tossed up their recipe and it's caused me some roughage: they stopped serving the little cubes of (probably fake) turkey and now it's slices of carved turkey!

Y, o y do they mess with my shiz?

Life on the Streets

While I enjoy my daily walk to and from work, I feel the need to spell out street etiquette for all the SU readers out there:

1. At the risk of sounding like Joey Vento, welcome to America - veer to the right. If you and another walker are on a collision coarse, go to the right.
2. Groups of two, three, or four, please keep in mind that the city sidewalks are narrow. Break from your mindless conversation, drop back, and let others pass. I have literally had to push up against buildings because I've had no room to pass opposing traffic.
3. Bikers, we've had our problems in the past. Manayunk was a trying time in our relationship. But, you must yield to peds - just like the cars you pretend to be.
4. Slow walkers, I really don't even know what to say at this point. Not only are you slow, but you walk in weird patterns and in the middle of sidewalks, making it extremely difficult to pass you. Slow walking is for parks and gardens. Make way.

That is my rant for the day. Please be mindful of your fellow pedestrians. Thank you.

There is not much to add...

this is the most amazingly disturbing yet hilarious blog post... it's certainly NSFW (that means not safe for work in case you didn't know)

http://keithiskneedeepinmud.blogspot.com/2007/10/crack-is-whack.html

Give it some time.