Dolla' Dolla' Bills, Ya'll

can i just say that since i started paying all my bills with my bank's online bill pay, i have been in complete bill-payer heaven???

seriously, never having to worry about writing out the checks, writing out the bill coupon, writing out the return address, standing in line to buy stamps is COMPLETE ECSTACY. now, all i do is sign on, click, click, pay and i'm done. if you are still doing it the old-fashioned way, you're a punk.

now, if only someone would figure out how i could visit my gyno on-line instead of in person...

sorry guys. i know that just turned you on.

Sip, Sip, Die.

how can diet cherry coke taste so good? its almost hard to believe that its really diet. so hard to belireve, that i'm actually taking a close look at the ingredients and i think i just ruined my enjoyable experience...carbonated water...fine...caramel color...ok...phosphoric acid...uh, gross...potassium benzoate(to protect taste)...huh?...aspartame...shit!

well, there you go. apparently, i love to drink diet cherry poison.

This Job Is Worse Than Mine

did you ever see that annoying segment on channel 10's weekend news, "Baby's First Birthday"?

pathetic viewers who insist their baby is the cutest one year old in the world send pics of their offspring in and the freaks at NBC 10 encourage this self-indulgence because then they show the pictures on air and announce their names.

listening to the usually stoic and heartless James Blunt fake enthusiastic well-wishes to a bunch of infants every week, always struggling to find new and ridiculous ways to bellow to "happy birthday" to not a real life baby, but a fat, hairy cameraman must be the toughest job in the world.

i couldnt find video of philly's version of this spectacle, but i did find an entertaining snippet from another city's newscast.

this guy obviously does not know that he is not reading real news...

Freaky Deeky Calendar

On Friday night, I was walking through the Gallery (which is never a good thing to do), when I saw a Kama Sutra wall calendar for sale in a card store. I did a double take because I couldn't believe my eyes the first time I saw it. I couldn't help but wonder how much of an orgy man/woman you would have to be to need a steady diet of daily porn hanging on your wall? On top of that, where would you hang this wall calendar? It's not exactly family-friendly fare to have around when company comes over, but it may be a conversation starter. I don't know about your household; but in my apartment, the calendar is hanging on the wall right before you enter the kitchen. If the front door is open, you could see it from the hallway. On second thought, maybe I should buy it. If my neighbor that lets her kids play in the hallway saw it, she may keep her kids from terrorizing us for fear that they may be corrupted.

Hmmm.... just a thought.

Stop. Think about a better slogan.

Maybe because I used to work in advertising, or now work in a words-related marketing jawn, or maybe just because I am a human with a brain and a bucket-o-opinions, but sometimes commercials really irk me.

The latest one to get me hot under the collar is the new Tylenol slogan: "Stop. Think."

Okay, enough with the drama. Taking Tylenol is not that big of a decision that you have to stop--and then think-- before popping one or three. What are they asking us to think about? "Hmm... do I really need a Tylenol, or would a glass of water and a nap do me one better?"

"Stop. Think." is more appropriate for an anti-gambling campaign, or anger management classes or something like that. It doesn't make sense for Tylenol. It's so unpretty.

PS: I'm pretty sure this is a fake ad to the right. But it's funny.

A vacation I'd like to take.

The Koreans get a little crazy in this tourist theme park, in Jeju... It's called Love Land for obvious reasons.

Maybe we could re-do Washington Square as Fellatio Square here in Philadelphia?

'Orama's Heart Mail.

I have always loved good old-fashioned, lick the envelope, hold it in your hand snail mail. That's why this little story, via Boing Boing, makes me so happy:

England actually delivered a letter sent by a map! In only 9 days. Mail rules.

Even better? Someone named Neatorama originally posted this post. Beanorama thinks Neatorama rules.

Clever Like a Texan

I know that this isn't exactly politically correct, but lately I've been thanking my lucky oil drills that currently the Northeast hasn't experienced an incredibly cold or snowy winter. Actually, our fall wasn't too bad either. This weekend, the weather men are calling for a record high of 67 degrees. I just saw on MSN.com that this may be one of the warmest winters on record.

So, as I tear through Bounty paper towels, Puffs Plus tissues with lotion & recycle absolutely nothing with reckless abandon; I comfort myself knowing that it's just as well that we're not experiencing a horrible winter because I still don't have winter clothes. And, unseasonably warm weather means that we're sticking it to the utility companies that charge so much for heating oil that many families have to go without heat or live with frequent energy shutoffs.

Don't mess with Texas!

Tobey MaGuire is a biter.

So Tobey MaGuire named his baby Ruby... reeeeeeal original, Tobes. Is it just a coincidince? I think not.

Great, now the whole world is going to start naming their babies & pets Ruby. Just look at this Baby Names Message Board (yes, there is such a thing. Get a life, ladies!). I did it first, kids, I did it first.

Will Ruby be the new "Bella?"

Netflix, how I love thee.

My odes are reserved for the food pyramid, so I'll just call this a rave. I am RAVING over and over about my Netflix account. It catches me up on TV I haven't seen. (I just worked my way through Seasons 1&2 of Grey's Anatomy... I have The OC and Entourage coming up). Plus, it forces me to watch all those movies people tell you you NEED to watch, but when you go to the movie store, you are loathe to pick out. For me, that's classics like "An Affair To Remember." Well, I'm just putting them in my queue and have no choice but to get them in my mailbox. Working on that queue is a blast... I have 47 dvd's lined up! That will take me to about 2008, but oh well. Last, I'm just so amazed at how quickly it works! Day one: drop your old dvd in the mail. Day Two: get an email saying they got it. Day Three: Get an email saying you will get your new movie the next day. Day Four: there it is, the glorious red envelope. If all I did was watch movies, this would be heaven.

(Netflix did not pay for this rave review. But I wish they would.)

Practice Makes Polish

here's a little snippet of Polish American string band dancers practicing for the parade (which was rescheduled for this Saturday). their theme this year is "What a Rush"---goldminer's, the west, gambling, etc.

can you spot the avid so unpretty reader in this fun little group?

hint: he's the "skinny" one :)

Pussy Snatchers

i smoke. sadly, my house does not. so, every time i light up, i do so outside of my house; usually on my front step (i'm very accommodating that way).

i preface my post with this seemingly useless information, because it explains why i have encountered so often what this post is really about-a thesis statement if you will...

when i'm outside, smoking by my lonesome, many a stray cat has crossed my path. no-i take that back...not actually crossed-more like crouched and peered at me from beneath parked cars or climbed and perched in the small city trees that line my street. they just stare at me and gaze into my eyes. a few times i've realized that i have been so captivated by their unwavering stare that i have neglected to breath, let along take a drag of my fag.

my theory: cats can steal your soul. i'm seriously glad one of my false promises to myself this year is to quit smoking. not only will i be saving my lungs, but also my spirit and eternal life force.

False Promises

10. quit smoking
9. not wait until i have $85 worth of dry cleaning to drop it off
8. stop biting/picking/knawing on my cuticles
7. smoke only at night or special occasions
6. refrain from scaring children for pure entertainment
5. stop being a real-life example to my office interns on why you shouldnt get drunk at office parties
4. only milk my dog on holidays-doing it any other time of year is just plain abuse
3. stop smoking for real
2. learn how to play craps; make small fortune playing craps; lose all my money in a shopping spree
1. stop making resolutions that i have no intention of keeping

What the shit?

So, Vanessa Minillo might get fired for saying "fucking" on MTV on New Year's Eve. But the other night I heard the word "bullshit"--not "bull-bleep"-- on "Sex and the City" on TBS. Not once, but twice. And I thought TBS was supposed to be tame! What's the dilly?

Unprettiest Movies of 2006

i know we are already in the new year, but i can't resist recapping some of the worst and unprettiest movies of 2006---especially as i have had the unfortunate pleasure of watching some of them over the long weekend. these range from bad to awful. let me know if i left any out or if you have absolutely no taste and you disagree with me.

5. NACHO LIBRE
this movie was not even close to funny. it didnt even make me chuckle, let alone laugh. in fact, the only thing it made me do was crave some guacamole. and nachos. and tacos. ok, fine it gave me the munchies.

4. CLICK
adam, adam, adam. what a stupid fucking premise for a movie. a magic remote...let me remind you of what you used to be capable of: "billy madison", "punch-drunk love", "waterboy", "happy gilmore", "50 first dates"...not oscar caliber, no, but, still. so much better than "click".

3. LITTLE MAN
the two youngest wayans brothers just keep making the two oldest ones look better and better with each awful movie they make. when are they going to take a lesson from keenan and damon and stick to t.v.? come'on boys, its easy. say it with me-"FOX".

2. FAILURE TO LAUNCH
matthew mcconaughey and sarah jessica parker should never be aloud to act together again. these two had about as much chemistry as britney and paris. two wrongs don't make a right, man. need an example of real chemistry? tune into discovery channel and watch those two freaks on mythbusters...now thats fucking hot!

1. BASIC INSTINCT 2
sharon stone. that name used to evoke controversy...images of sex, murder, lust. now, the only thing that name evokes are images of desperate old ladies, drunk and obnoxiously trying to emit an air of sexiness...sort of like your crazy, sad, divorced, alcoholic aunt jane who comes on to young men at family reunions (who are most likely related to her).

Awww, So Cute.

i dropped by my pop's house tonight to pick up something that i had left there the previous night. i walked in to find my 73 year old, sweet, cute as a button, polish grandfather lounging in his long johns, drinking a glass of milk and snacking on a plate of cookies. he looked adorable, like a little boy. he greeted me warmly and my heart was full of love for him.

when i asked him what he was up to, he gestured towards the t.v. and just smiled a big, excited smile.

i turned to the t.v. expecting to see either an old war movie, perhaps a football game or maybe even the lawrence welk show.

no.

my sweet, little, innocent grandfather was watching the play by play execution of saddam hussein.

"they're finally hanging the bastard!" he said with sincere satisfaction.

aw, he's so cute.

Crazy meds commercials

For almost a week, I've been suffering from an annoying head cold. While I've been laying in bed, surrounded by discarded tissues, reaking of Vicks Vaporub & mindlessly watching television, I've noticed two odd cold commercials: 1) Robitussin 2) Happy Feet flu tips.

The Robitussin commercial struck me as being particularly odd because even as I've walked down the aisles of CVS in a cold medication/stuffy nose induced haze, never once has the medicine on the shelves spoke to me. Who thought this was a good idea? Considering the fact that some teenagers take Robitussin to get high, didn't the marketing people at the company think that this would be an odd commercial premise?

The other cold commerical that's a bit befuddling is the Happy Feet/flu facts. I have to admit that I'm a bit biased because I hate Happy Feet (just like I hate all kids movies), but I feel that Happy Feet has been used to promote way too much crap. I really don't get what dancing penguins & the flu have in common. But, this commercial tells you that the penguins are going to tell you something about the flu. Once again, I have to question how much medicine I've ingested 'cause its just is too surreal.

I guess the lesson is - kids, use meds to get high. That way, penguins will start dancing & stuff in the drugstore will start talking to you.

Adrenaline is a good shopping buddy.

I don't want to get all Yoplait commercial on you and insinuate that a woman's life fulfillment relies on shoes, but I do have to tell of a pair of boots that I have been desiring for a few months now. Now, my desire for them is not shallow-- it's practical. They are flats, which is good for my feet and my back since I walk to work. That's one justification for them. Plus, they are just plain a-some.

They are also about $100 more than I would ever spend on shoes. Damn.

But, since I got a $100 gift card, I figured that would even me out. So, once I made the decision to bite the bullet and buy the damn things, the adrenaline starting pumping. I was psyched! I started my hunt. My local Kenneth Cole didn't have my size. Online was sold out in my size. Then I called customer service-- they found one remaining pair!! My adrenaline surged.

The remaining pair was in Los Angeles... so I finally got through. After navigating the LA store's loud music, accented store associate, learning how much shipping and tax cost, being bummed that UPS couldn't ship to my work, realizing I had to pay credit not debit... my enthusiasm and adrenaline waned. Plus, they ended up almost $50 more than I had planned to pay! But I was already in so deep.

I bought the boots, but now have major credit card guilt. I just hope when they are on my feet, I feel better.

Have you ever looked so nice?

I'm a crazy cat lady and I know it:

Help a sister out.

Mi hermana got an I Pod Shuffle for Christmas and needs some help picking good songs. I'm thinking two categories: 1. Good songs for running and 2. Just damn good songs.

Anything to offer her besides Justin Timberlake?