Friday, May 29, 2009

Does AlltheRage Moonlight as a Real Estate Agent?

While I was bored at work recently, I happened to be house shopping & came across this picture of a realtor that suspiciously resembles one of our very own SoUnpretty contributors. What do you think?

Once Desirable Vacation Destinations

Not that I can afford a vacation to either of these two places in this economy, but at one point, in the not too distant past, I fantasized about visiting these two warm & exotic locales – Hawaii & St. Lucia. Now my vacation dreams have been downgraded to vacationing in Wilcox, PA & Ellicuttville, NY. (DON’T ASK! ) However, recent photos have surfaced of some infamous celebs vacationing in these spots & I’ve had to rethink my view of these places.

Amy Winehouse was spotted frolicking in the waves (how the clear, turquoise water didn’t turn brown afterwards is beyond me) & doing crackie-esque yoga poses at the very same all-inclusive resort that I want to stay at! Ugh! On one hand, I guess I should be flattered that a celebrity would want to stay at the same resort that I fancied, but on the other hand – can’t she afford more than an AI – style vacay? And, as far as I’m concerned, the hotel staff would not be able to clean the room & linens well enough for me to consider staying in the same room or even on the same floor as such an obvious biohazard.

As though it wasn’t bad enough that one wintertime fantasy wasn’t ruined, there were photos of Paris Hilton galloping through the sun & sand in Hawaii with her newest beau. Double Ugh! Like, did the crabs on her body jump off of her & return to their real home in the ocean? She should have not been allowed near the water! Unlike with Amy, I know that 1) I can’t afford to stay wherever she’s staying & 2) I’ll never stay at a Hilton hotel again so I don’t have to worry about packing light & Lysol at my choice of hotel in Hawaii.

So, I guess it’s back to the drawing board for my potential vacay spots. I’m thinking Barbados. Hear that celebs? Stay away! Or, at least go to someplace I’ll never go, like Antartica. I hear that only a super-exclusive set hangs out over there, like endangered species and whatnot.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hide your babies, puppies & kittens 'cause left wing liberals are going to eat them!

Since Justice Souter has passed away, there has been some speculation surrounding whom the next Supreme Court judge will be. Since Obama named a nominee for Souter's successor today, there has already been heated debate about his nominee, Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor is a great example of representing everything that the Republican party feels to be wrong with this society. She's a trifecta of vices - female, Hispanic and intelligent. They have to be very careful,though, if they come after her too hard they're going to further alienate the same demographic - female voters, Hispanic voters, and other minority groups. They already won the intelligence battle in 2000.

Since there’s a Democrat president, all of the right wingers are going to protest in fear over the possibility that Obama’s selection is a tree-hugging, baby seal-loving, anti-domestic oil drilling, pro-gun control, morally depraved nutjob. This hysteria & sudden concern for what’s morally “right” is certainly subdued since Americans are primarily concerned about the economy, however there will still be a certain amount of fervor.

So, get ready & consider yourself warned. Here’s a great article speculating how Republicans will respond. Also, here's an informal poll that gives me some hope that Americans aren't completely off their rockers.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

How Pissed Do You Think Maury Povich Is Right Now?

I think Maury's probably screaming out his staff right now that he didn't get this interview first. There was some woman in Texas who had twins by two separate baby daddys. Instead of hiding in shame, she decided to broadcast it on the Today show, of course. Here it is:

Signs of the Apocalypse

Alright, normally, I’m not one of those people that thinks that every catastrophe that occurs in nature or the news is a sign that the world is coming to an end, but I think that I’m onto something here. There have been a lot of signs pointing to the universe as we know it completely collapsing in on itself.
Here’s my evidence, you be the judge.
1) Heidi Montag is reportedly offered $500,000 to pose for Playboy. While worldwide, the economy is being hit by record unemployment rates, this pseudo-celeb is offered way too much money for something that she does for free - whoring herself out - everyday.

2) Spencer Pratt has a song. Remember the days of artists telling stories about how incredibly difficult it was for them to get a record exec to even listen to their demo tape, let alone a recording contract? Somehow, this non-talented jerk has managed to get into a recording studio & lay down a track. Or, maybe I’m assuming too much & this guy was able to do it using a Casio keyboard, his IMac & a boombox. This is the music that will be playing when locusts start attacking. Hell, his creepy flesh-colored beard is enough to convince me that he’s the son of Beelzebub.

3) President Barack Obama is denied an honorary degree from Arizona State University. While the country’s economy is still reeling from having a real-life version of Yosemite Sam as president for 8 years, one of the nation’s top party schools says that they feel Pres. Obama hasn’t “accomplished enough” to earn an honorary degree. Unlike celebrities like Oprah, who go from university to university every graduation season collecting honorary degrees like they’re KFC coupons or Grammys, Obama has accomplished enough academically (& hello, he’s president of the United States of America!) to be awarded an honorary degree from any university. It doesn’t matter though; Obama would probably use that degree to clean up after his dog.

So, if you don’t feel as though these aren’t signs of some very bad times, then keep your eyes peeled ‘cause I’m sure there are more signs just around the corner!

P.S. - I hope the clip that I included is the song. I can't actually bring myself to listen to this, so I'm not sure.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

In case you missed it....

Here’s JT on SNL again 2 weeks ago as a follow – up to his Emmy award – winning D*ck in a Box performance a couple of years ago.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Justice for James?

According to the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Oprah has taken time out of her busy grilled chicken schilling & eating schedule to privately apologize to James Frey. Supposedly, James has been invited back to the show to discuss the fallout, but their schedules haven’t worked out for him to return.

I’m not incredibly pro-James Frey. However, I sympathize with his situation & why he felt he had to lie so that a fictional book became a memoir. What it comes down to is that she felt it was a decent book and that he was a good writer. The notion that A Million Little Pieces was a memoir added to the reading experience. Basically, if the reader thought that it was a great book, finding out that it was not in fact a memoir should not have detracted the reader from still thinking that it was a good book. It’s just one aspect of the book that wasn’t entirely truthful. The same could be said about autobiographies. You can read an awesome autobiographical book but at the end of the book, you, as the reader would have to admit that the person (or in some cases, the editor) putting their life on paper is going to subtract or enhance certain details.

On the other hand, I’m highly anti-Oprah. I feel that as much effort that Oprah put into publicly lambasting & shaming James Frey, she should feel the same obligation to apologize to him publicly. Scheduling conflicts be damned. For that reason, I have a question mark in the title of this post.

James Frey may have received an apology from Oprah, however, it’s too little, too late. And, until he receives an apology that’s on the same level (publicity-wise) as the public condemnation that she put him through, then there will always be a question as to whether or not he’s received an adequate apology.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Adventures in Suburbia, Part II: An Open Letter to Weeds

Dear Weeds:
I am officially surrendering. I give up. You’ve broken me spiritually, emotionally & physically. While some people may think that I’m nutso for writing a letter to a living organism that’s incapable of reading – I wholeheartedly disagree. I’ve been fighting you for the past two years & I feel as though I know my enemy pretty well.
Between my own gut instinct & what the Discovery channel show Planet Earth has taught me about what’s going to happen to the planet once us humans have died off & weeds take over, there’s no doubt in my mind that you can in fact, read this, as well as my thoughts and already know what my next move is to combat you. I’ve even lain in bed at night thinking about my next plan of attack. Poison? Weed Preventer? Gasoline? Fertilizer? Fire? Exorcism? I’ve attempted most of these solutions. Saturating the ground with enough poison only to have damaged my gorgeous plants. You fight back by creeping in around my roses, making it impossible to get to you. Then, while in fits of frustration, I’ve mistakenly pulled out my pansies, petunias and lilies. Oh, & don’t think that I don’t know about my peonies. You’re the real reason why they haven’t grown in 2 seasons. I haven’t been able to prove it, but I bet if I dig deep enough, I’ll find a dandelion at the root of it!

So, I’m tired of spending my gorgeous spring & summer weekends crying, frustrated, pounding at the ground in fits of fury. Instead, I should be enjoying the outside, laughing gaily, spending time with my friends, and shopping. Therefore, weeds, I’m officially waving my white flag. I’ll let some other foolish homeowner try (and fail) at deluding herself into thinking that you can actually be controlled.
You are truly a formidable enemy. Well played, my friend. Well played.

sick day.

i took a sick day today. i feel like crap and it seemed like a good idea. now i’m sure it was not a good idea.

why? because i’m watching “fear” and for the first time, i’m starting to admit to myself that mark wahlburg isn’t that bad of an actor.

someone call 911.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I saw a commercial for this contraption while at the gym tonight. The sound was off so I had no idea what they were advertising. I just thinking, whoa, they advertise for this sorta thing on TV now? Once I got home & googled this sucker, I realized that it's not even close to what I thought it was. However, it is a feminine device that's supposed to make you feel more confident. If you want to see how it works, check it out here: if you dare....
(Warning: Definitely not safe for work!)

Monday, May 11, 2009

What Guy Doesn’t Have a “Mancrush” on Jon Hamm?

For us ladies that watch MadMen, we’ve had a crush on Don Draper, a.k.a. Jon Hamm, since the show debuted in ‘07. However, recently I’ve realized that Don Draper also intrigues men. I don’t know if it’s his good looks, his stylish wardrobe, the way he carries himself, or that he somehow manages to get all of the ladies. I think what’s appealing about Don is that his character is a mix between Tony Soprano (Sopranos), Vick Mackey (The Shield), and Avon Barksdale (The Wire), meaning that his character isn’t squeaky clean – you know that he has some secrets, he’s human, his moral compass may be a little off – but for some odd reason you love him. On Madmen, he’s suave. When Jon recently guest – starred on SNL, he was hilarious and when he played Liz Lemon’s love interest on 30 Rock, he was charming. What’s there not to like?

Some guys that admittedly have a man crush on Jon Hamm are Greg Berendt (He’s Just Not That Into You), my husband & my friend’s husband. And, I’m pretty sure that if my brother watched the show he would like Don, too.

So if there are any guys that want to admit that they, too, have a crush on him, it’s ok. We know that Jon Hamm is The Man so come on & join the party. We’ve been here since ’07.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Fashion Show is NOT the new Project Runway

Ok, so last night Bravo debuted their replacement to Project Runway, Fashion Show. Their hosts are Isaac Mizrahi & Kelly Rowland. I think that the prize is supposed to be just to have your line displayed at a major department store *cough*, Target, *cough*. Umm, really?!? That’s it?! No hair & makeup sponsers like Tresemme or Procter & Gamble, or a cool magazine like Elle or a decent store like Macy’s? I guess all of the good sponsors left with PR, too.

First of all, Bravo just needs to deal with the fact that they lost their major cash cow & that their spin-off shows – Make Me a Supermodel, Top Chef, etc., - while they may be good shows, they don’t come close to the magic that they captured with Project Runway.

Secondly, in their attempt to copy PR, resulting from the lawsuit that The Weintstein Group brought against them did the judgment say that it could no longer resemble anything like the original? Even the title is whack – Fashion Show. The judges have little to no creditability – Isaac Mizrahi & Kelly Rowland? Really? What wisdom is Isaac Mizrahi going to impart? You can become a designer, achieve success beyond your wildest dreams, design for celebrities and then start a downward decline of designing mass produced clothes for a major chain store, design mass produced furniture for another chain store and have a show on Style network get canceled? Their second host, Kelly Rowland is even more pathetic than that. What the hell does she know about fashion? She’s just the skinny girl from Destiny’s Child and has been paraded around in House of Dereon’s basement fashions ( well, that & it’s rumored that she may be Matthew Knowles’s love child).

It’s just sad. And, as much as I hate to turn to Lifetime for anything other than the occasional showing of “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”, I’m going to have to cave in order to catch episodes of a show that I love so dearly.

Oh, I Get It! So, This is the female Michael Scott, right?

As you may have heard, Parks & Recreation has been picked up for the fall schedule on NBC. I don’t know whether or not you’ve caught the show, but it’s basically Amy Poehler acting like a female version of Michael Scott from The Office. And, the other characters are similar to the characters on The Office, too. I think it’s sad ‘cause there’s obviously a lot of potential there with Amy Poehler (whom I love) & Rashida Jones (whom I’m warming up to). I just really wish that the writers of the show would let Amy be Amy. So here’s to hoping that next season the show’s writers will get a clue and make Parks & Recreation actually funny.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The SoUnpretty Contributors Guide to Surviving the Recession

So, since that Bruce Johnston guy made a fortune from picking his nose, I thought of other ways that SoUnpretty contributors can try & make a fortune. If these are already taken, forgive me, I didn’t research to make sure these ideas weren’t already trademarked or patented. Jeez. I can’t do all the work people!

Ashlie - how about the Freaky Facial Hair 3000? The other morning, I was applying makeup while sitting in traffic & I was shocked not only to see by the harsh morning light that I had lots of facial hairs normally invisible to the naked fluorescent office light, but I had one particularly long one near my chinney-chin chins. I suggest that you discover a magnifier mechanism that detects that freakishly long hair & plucks it right out! In the meantime, I’ll go to Topper’s to get my whole face waxed, not just the eyebrows.

Beanorama - Write a book(s) on how everything in life – money, success, lifestyle, wardrobe, environment, happiness, health all comes down to the color Green. I picture this approach starting with cookbooks (green food is good for you) to wardrobe choices (everyone looks great in green, etc) to achieving Zen (if we step onto the grass while wearing green head–to-toe, we’ll perfectly balance the sky, etc.). You get the idea.

Flip Flop Girl - Even though the FitFlop idea is already taken – how about just going with the concept that flip flops are just plain awesome? From providing a practical solution to getting to & from the office when you get a pedi on your lunch break to great hanging out footwear, one recaptures the fun & careless days of their youth when one didn’t have to worry about bills, mortgages & kids. Maybe you can even have a camp where adults can come & run around all day in them? There are already camps that allow adults to reclaim their youth with specially designed summer camps/vacation destinations ( Yours can be the flip flop experience.

That’s all I could come up with for now. If any jerks decide to partake on these ideas, I expect my usual 20% finder’s fee. That is all.

Friday, May 01, 2009

This guy has made a fortune from picking his nose.

I saw a commercial for Breathe Right strips this morning & it hit me! When Bruce Johnston talks about how he used to use straws and paper clips to help with breathing and snoring it suddenly occurred to me that only in America can one make a fortune from something that one does as a daily hobby or occurrence. This commercial led me to starting thinking about business ventures for some of our other SoUnpretty contributors so that we too can become wealthy from our own habits or quirks...