Saturday, April 29, 2006
while walking in the city today i saw a boston terrier strutting down the street. anytime i see a dog, i always fall in love, but this one really stole my heart because he was wearing little shoes on each of his four paws. this stopped me dead in my tracks and before i knew it, i was oowing and ahhhing because it was probably the cutest thing i'd ever seen. the owner was a man and i am sure this scores him more digits than buying a woman a drink. smart dude, no bones about it (sorry for the pun but i'm still in puppy crush mode.)
i know dogs in human attire and accessories can really piss some people off, but i'm sorry; i think its great!
Friday, April 28, 2006
this post may not mean a lot to some of you, but to those who get it, you'll agree...Bain's Deli at the Bellevue used to have alot more to offer than just a fine selection of high quality deli meats: thats right, i'm talking about the Bain's Boys.
if you've visited Bain's within the last five years, you know who they were; at least most of the ladies i've ever worked with have. they were the hottest thing since the New Kids and they made every secretary (young and old) smile as they sliced up a huge chunk of roast beef for ya'.
i always wondered if it was intentional---hiring these strapping young deli boys who looked like they probably had a second job at the cave---if it was intentional, it was pure genious. but what happened? did they all get scouted out for a reality show or worse-maybe they all moved to vegas and now perform live at Chip-n-Dale's.
this may be the most unprettiest post to date...
in more news that has no real impact on your everyday life, it was announced that Rosie O'Donnell will be replacing Merideth Viera on abc's The View (the show which is notorious for embarrassing real women everywhere with its mantic cackling).
i must say its going to be interesting to see her sit next to Star Jones Reynolds, whom she's publicly criticized for refusing to admit that she had gastro bypass surgery (don't worry star, she's just jealous!).
seriously, though...both of these women are repulsive and the panel is now the most warped version of the village people to date: one angry lesbo, one fag hag w/weight issues, one nazi republican, and one loud mouth ignoramous. Babs must be so pleased...
Thursday, April 27, 2006
So Unpretty isn't known for its food reviews, but we just couldn't help ourselves-if you haven't eaten at Deuce yet, you are missing out. and with weather like this, you can enjoy all its location has to offer.
Deuce is located at the new Liberties Walk on 2nd Street in Northern Liberties. what is Liberties Walk exactly? uh...dunno. seems like a two block hipster strip mall, complete with an art gallery, spa, sushi bar, pilates studio, upscale pet store, coffee house and bakery (the bakery is Brown Betty's-home of the most banging cupcakes ever).
people also live there too, above all of these stores/shops/etc. are lofts.
the crowd is young but not under 25, cool but not pretentious, and safe even though its still surrounded by seediness.
and Deuce is the grand pooh-ba of Liberties Walk, drawing the most people thanks to outdoor seating, great drink specials and even better food. we recommend the cheesesteak spring rolls, the kobe beef burger w/fries and the fried PBJ sandwich for dessert...or you can take a look at the menu and order whatever the hell you want: www.deucerestaurant.com
p.s. we also recommend our waitress, who looked exactly like denise richards.
the other day i was talking about tevas, the great feet-stinking water sandals with velcro. my friend had no recognition, and i was that annoying girl saying, "you don't know what tevas are? tevas! you know, tevas! jesus shoes." come on man, tevas are as ubiquitous to the 90's as birks or j crew barn jackets, right? or have i been fooling myself all along into thinking all the cool kids had tevas?
a certain drumstick-wielding, empty beer bottle-shlepping, adorable-child rearing, cd-creating, world-traveling friend of ours* sends this fun little diversion to so unpretty:
be The Donald of american history and decide if silly little monopoly-playing consumers should buy the liberty bell or instead lay claim to the ben franklin parkway. oh yea, there are other cities too, but so unpretty is biased towards the city of brotherly love.
*those in-the-know know him as the infamous inventor of the "666"
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
i just answered a call on my cell phone and apparently the person calling me was surprised that i answered...weird, right? thats like being surprised that you have to take p**p 14 minutes after eating mcdonald's.
said jerk could not even mask his surprise when he said "...oh, hi! i was going to just leave you a voicemail message..."
sorry to disappoint you; how silly of me to actually answer. next time my phone rings, maybe instead of answering it like a normal person, i'll just curse it out in japanese and throw it into the toilet and flush...ironically, thats the same thing i do 14 minutes after eating mcdonald's...so unpretty!
delaware has a few claims to fame: it's the first state, it has more chickens than people, there's a lot of cougar-hunting at the beach* and it's home to the famous red oval of dupont. those duponters get a lot of shizah about chemicals in the rivers killing birds and what-not, but they deserve some credit for supporting environmental initiatives, such as the DriveNeutral program.
your vw rabbit or h2 or galant or puts out tons and tons of global warming emissions every year. (alaska is shrinking. you should feel guilty.)
if you're not ready to trade in your '96 civic for a smartcar or hybrid, you can at least neutralize your car's emissions by purchasing a DriveNeutral certification decal. the DriveNeutral people then purchase and retire carbon emissions credits in your name. reducing the number of credits available in effect forces other companies to clean up their acts!
go to www.driveneutral.org to calculate the emissions spewed out by your gas guzzler and get your decal. then everyone will know that you've done your part to help end global warming. and you can sleep better at night. (suck it, gwb.)
*And if by cougar you mean middle-aged lady in the mood for a frat guy...then Delaware is tops!
Oh how I love thee
Let me count the ways…
My heart begins to race with joy
Every time your screen name appears
And when you IM me a smiley face
I know I’ve nothing to fear
When I feel my sidekick vibrate
Sending a chill up my spine
I pray that it is you
Telling me you’ll always be mine
I could spend an entire day
Texting you sweet nothings
Because for the rest of eternity
You’ll be the only one I’m loving
I could lose myself in your deep eyes
It is your feature I most favor
I can look at them anytime
Because they are my screensaver
I’ll never forget
All our memories
They’re saved in my heart
And on dvd
I do not want to pinch myself
For I fear I may be dreaming
To never read another love email
Would make me wake up screaming
I could shout from the rooftop
For all the world to know
Or declare in my blog
That I love you so
Every flower, sunset and mp3
Every morning frost and dove
Takes my breath away
For I’m reminded of our love
in trashy celebrity news that won't have any effect on your life, So Unpretty learned last night from a very credible source (shout out to Pat Benatar) that the pop star, Britney Spears, became pregnant for the second time in her life (Brit doesn't count all of those "close calls" while she was on the Mickey Mouse Club).
so, i guess we here at So Unpretty should be happy for Mr. & Mrs. Spears, right? i mean for the next nine months, you can guarantee that S.U. will write at least one useless post a month about this latest debacle...or at least however frequently DHS will knock on her barn door.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
why does ordering a hoagie have to be so stressful at subway? maybe its just me or the locations i have visited, but never in my life have i experienced such anxiety while ordering fast food. when you are at mcdonald's or burger king, order takers barely even look at you and could give a shit if you take all day while selecting from their menus....but at subway, oh no, its a totally different story.
i suspect that all of their counter people are forced to do blow in the back; i mean, thats the only way i can explain their actions. and i think they are timed on how long it takes them to get you the hell out of line or they are forced to eat their weight in bread.
first, the breadbaker shouts out you to select a bread (there's 63 types)-but immediately following that question, demands to know "6 inch or 12 inch?!" in such a sincerely desperate matter that they convince you this is a life or death decision. (and please get your minds out of the gutter RIGHT NOW!)
next, they want to know what type of meat-and don't try to get away with just saying "an italian" because that means nothing to the meat person; they need you to painstakingly break it down to ham, salami, and pepperoni. the most disturbing aspect of this encounter is when they implore you to "double your meat for an extra fitfy cents?" which is subway's version of "would you like to supersize that?" (again, get your filthy mind out of the gutter!)
moving on, and yes, to yet another person in the unecessarily frantic, overmanned sandwich assembly line, is the cheese person. not only are you asked if you want cheese (what a stupid question-don't we all?) but what kind...and then the condiment person starts screaming at you before you even have a chance to finish making all of your previous choices. you will find this part the most frustrating because they will ask you again and again what else you want on your sandwich and you will say you whole shpeal 4-5 times before its all over.
finally you are at the cashier and you think its over, but its not. he/she will push a meal deal on you and you will give in and then there are more decisions to make: chips or cookie? doritos or lays? baked or regular? they are screaming at you like you're on the final obstacle of double dare and you are just as bad because you are screaming back answers and frantically throwing them your money.
uh! now me thinks that Jarod (the subway mascot) didnt lose all that weight from eating at subway; oh no, he was just doing blow with the boys in the back!
am I the only freak that thinks it is standard practice to have two bags of quaker instant oatmeal for breakfast? I have recently learned of two strapping young men who only go for the single serving. that doesn't keep me fortified--I need at least two to get me 'til 11:45, when my stomach incessantly growls for lunch. am I an oatmeal piggy?
Monday, April 24, 2006
ah, is there anything better than sleeping in on a rainy saturday morning? this past weekend, i think i heard we got like 20 feet of rain and i enjoyed every drop from the dry safety of my bed.
for some reason, rainy weather makes the following things acceptable:
1. staying in bed until you are too hungry and the pizza crust you had on your nightstand from the day before just isnt satisfying you any longer
2. watching horrible t.v. like "blow out" or "the fabulous life of Brangelina" for 24 consecutive hours-what else is there to do? read?
3. canceling any appointments you've had scheduled for the last six months, no matter how necessary (like the eye-doctors)-this is 2006-no one goes out in rainstorms!
4. ordering food and not cooking (even though your fridge is fully stocked)...who knows, it might be raining in your kitchen...
5. not getting dressed-the t.v. doesnt care if you're in a bra and sweatpants, why should you?
ah, yes, i long for another rainy saturday like the one we just had. until then, damn you bright sun, which motivates me to do something useful with my day off!
in the age of myspace and google, we can pretty much keep tabs on everything our ex-boyfriends, third grade teachers and priests are up to. i just read about the latest invention in internet voyeurism (or internet "stalking," what-have-you): www.zillow.com. the site tells you the estimated real estate value of any address you input. it's addicting and fascinating and a little sick-o. now i'm no donald trump, and i don't know too much about real estate, but it seems pretty accurate. i read about it in the bible (newsweek), so it must be legit.
Friday, April 21, 2006
ok, this rant is obviously for the ladies, but gents, you should take note!
we here at Unpretty absolutely loathe and despise corporate fondling.
to be fair, i'll tell you exactly what we mean by this...
corporate fondling: when a man greets a woman, in any professional setting (i.e. meetings, receptions, conferences, in the office) by hugging and kissing them on the cheek and said woman is not their wife, daughter, sister, mother, aunt, godmother, stepsister, cousin or mistress.
trust us fellas, we don't like it. doesn't the awkward look on our face say it all? just greet us in the same professional manner you would greet someone else with your genitalia and we'll feel just as welcomed and appreciated.
really, thats enough for us...ok? please!
in need of a boost, a little attention? well, slap on a dress. (if you are a woman, that is. if you are a man, you'll get a lot of attention if you slap on a dress.)
now i'm no milla jovovich, but i put on a simple shirt dress today and people have reacted like they are just discovering i'm female! (which i actually am.) maybe we need to bring a little more femininity to the pants-infused office in 2006. give everyone a little jolt. shake 'em up. springtime rules.
in other news, apparently h&m fools people into thinking they are marc jacobs. which is what i am going to tell people that i am wearing from now on. pants are so unpretty. lying about your clothing label? much prettier.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
if there are six stalls in a bathroom, three to a side, and only two of us walk into the bathroom together, why, oh why would you go in the stall right next to mine? this is america, people! we value personal space! ugh. annoying bathroom etiquette is so unpretty.
when the weather is as nice as it is today, there is only one place to run to when the lunch hour rolls around-Rittenhouse Square Park.
screw the restaurants, the shopping, the errands, the drug store...if you aren't soaking up at least an hour of this weather at one of the most beautiful parks in the city, you are a poor excuse for a human being...and not to mention, so unpretty...
Rittenhouse Square is as entertaining as it is beautiful.
the people watching is almost as good as a day at the DMV or even jury duty. the range goes from ADORABLE to FREAKY...you'll see waspy young mothers pushing $2,000 strollers with babies that look like they should be on a jar of stewed carrots....and then right behind them you'll see two trannies fighting over who has the sexier pair of platforms on.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
It's always comforting to realize other people have the same neuroses as I do... for instance, I have learned of two other people who keep their car doors unlocked on the highway in case of a dire accident. Hey, we are just saving the State the cost of hauling in the Jaws of Life!
Also, every time we got stuck in traffic crossing the bridge on the Schuylkill, another friend and I used to devise our escape plan in case the bridge collapsed. (Said escape plan: grab purses, run and pray. So doi.)
Although I don't think anyone shares my need to prohibit dark socks in bed. I guess that's just me.
can someone please tell me what type of club would bestow upon their members such an atrocity as this jacket?
i've asked my grandfather who has this in like three different colors and he just sort of looks off into the distance and smiles. i know they're are not his, he just gets off wearing his kids' hand-me-downs. but, still, shouldnt he be able to tell me something? anything?
apparently not...and i am forced to just accept this ugly garmet as "vintage" fashion-ugh! so unpretty!
ok, so i am sure you will hear this 4300 more times today, but, let me be the first annoying jackass to tell you information that has no real affect on your life: Katie and Tom finally popped out baby girl, Suri. So Unpretty sends their best to the insane family.
i think we will also send them a little pink straight jacket...card to read:
"Dear Insane People: So happy to hear that you have produced yet another insane person. God knows the world can never have enough crazies."
wondering what the hell Suri means? if you ask them, its hebrew for "princess" or "rose"...if you ask me...it means "so unpretty".
this post's title was So Unpretty's one-line review of "winter passing," the movie we viewed in a mistaken attempt to cheer ourselves up. not a movie you'd call your favorite, but definitely one to make you think...and possibly drown a kitten (or yourself) afterwards. i bet zooey deschanel is a quite talented actress, but she's got to stop getting typecast as the deadpan depressive. and if will ferrell wants to prove his chops as a serious actor, he can't play a role so similar to elf but call it "indie" or "ironic." i'm not a movie reviewer, clearly, but let me just end on this thought: drowning kittens is so unpretty.
Monday, April 17, 2006
yeah, by the end of the day, people just sort of avoid me in the hallways.
but, I just cant help but love this show...I mean, what other show takes itself so seriously and yet, pokes fun at itself so frequently?
in last night's episode, one of the goombas, Vito, is outed after he is caught in NYC gay bar, shirtless, wearing leather chaps and chains, all the while shaking his groove thing with a chap who was blessed with two nipple rings. This of course sets the crime family into tailspin and I was treated to one ridiculous line after another...
I love when I can get my education and entertainment all in one. Its a timesaver...really it is.
Regarding those mammoth Cheesecake Factory salads in the previous post: being the good lapsed Catholics that we are, mom, sister and I had considerable guilt about the loads of wasted salad we all left on our plates--literally about 4 servings each. We couldn't bring home doggy bags because we had a huge Easter Sunday meal planned for the next day and they'd just go to waste. We told our waiter how guilty we felt, and he said, "That's ok. That's why the Cheesecake Factory makes everything so big." Huh? So it can go to waste?!? WTF?!? Only in good ol' America. Big servings=so unpretty.
I don't think So Unpretty has religious leanings, but since we just had Passover and Easter, I thought I'd share a little religious questioning that happened this weekend: while my mother and sister and I (lapsed Catholics, all) shared our Holy Easter Saturday meal of ridiculously oversized Cheesecake Factory salads, my mother asked what sister and I thought was a preposterous question:
"If Jesus was a Jew, then why are we Christians?"
Said sister and I nearly choked on our Chinese chicken salad monstrosities at the ridiculousness--and quite frankly, strangeness--of the question. Isn't it obvious? I mean, it's almost like saying, "When Bush became president, why didn't we still call it the Clinton administration?"
(Bad analogy. 1) It sort of compares Bush administration to Christianity. 2) Everyone in USA has to have Bush as the pres. Not everyone had to become Christian after Christ died.)
Sister and I thought the answer was obvious. Jesus was Jewish (wasn't almost everyone, then?). Jesus lived. Jesus died. Some people believed he was Christ. They became Christians. Other people didn't. They stayed Jews. Other religious existed as well. Obvious, right? Apparently not. Sister and I posed the question to several more people, who reached into the annals of their Sunday School knowledge, gave us exasperated attempts at an answer and gave up. I'm not looking for a big religious diatribe here, but just the answer to this: Did my mom ask a silly question, or am I too quick in my response?
Friday, April 14, 2006
so, i watched the encore presentation of the GOSPEL OF JUDAS last night on the national geographic channel...it was really interesting and thought provoking, ya-da ya-da, ya-da...but one thing i definitely was surprised to learn, although i don't know why i'd never noticed it before: i don't know anyone, anything, anyplace named Judas. to quote some expert from the show last night "people don't even name their dogs that...in Germany, its actually illegal to name a child Judas"
seems that for the last 2000 years, humanity has been really sticking it to this poor guy. we've systematically condemned him, shunned him and only regarded him until recently as the ultimate villain...a traitor, not just to god, but to all mankind.
...geez, you would've thought that judas had gone on oprah and jumped up and down on her couch while making a complete ass out of himself on national television to deserve the kind of hatred we've held for him all of these years.
now Judas' name can finally be cleared as we learn that according to the Gospel of Judas, he was just hookin' a brother up. maybe little Hans Guttenberglaughenhouser in Germany can change his name to Judas Guttenberglaughenhouser...and maybe, just maybe instead of visitng St. Thomas' or St. Bart's this summer, families will be heading to sunny St. Judas' for some good clean fun. wouldnt it be great if gwyneth gave newborn baby Moses a little bro' named judas? ...now that would be so unpretty :)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
yes, i've always been a material girl...i remember at age six,dancing on top of the toilet in our bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror as I mouthed the words to "lucky star" with brightly painted red lips and a fake black beauty mark that looked more like an oil spot. yeah, i was hot...in that child pornography way that young girls dressed up as older women look.
when i think about how long i've loved madonna, its shocking to realize that i have loved her longer than most people in my life...true, my love for madonna is a different type of love.
i like, sorta love my family (because i have to), but i LOVE madonna (of my own free will).
for instance: madonna has never grounded me, told me i'm selfish, made me go to school, made me do the wash, told me i can't afford to have that hot-ass bag, freaked out at me for silly things like forgetting to get gas ALL THE TIME or for refusing to admit when the trash can is full and it should be emptied (i'm not lazy, i just believe in squeezing as much trash as possible into each trash bag-we have to start thinking about the environment people; global warming!)
with love comes loyalty. i remember in the sixth grade standing by madonna when all of my other friends were on paula abdul's jock. they would say things like "madonna is so trashy...paula is a really good dancer" -yeah, paula's ability to dance with a cartoon character in a video should have just shut me up, but i was a stubborn little bitch and well, i never bought it. i would always say "you'll see, madonna will always be cool and paula abdul will end up judging some corny singing contest, like star search!"
even at twelve, i was fucking genius.
but, why, you may ask yourself, am i sharing with you now my adoration of this music goddess? well, bitches, its because i am one step closer to finally realizing a life long dream of mine: on monday i scored tickets to my first ever madonna concert! i can't tell you how excited i am.
i must say, i do feel bad for whatever poor fucks have to sit near me that night... they will just have to make room for me and my toilet, which i'll be dancing on top of as i annoyingly try to sing along to every friggin tune she'll bless us with that enchanted evening. its going to be so unpretty...
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
ok, what is it with this city and scammers(you know: con artists, bullshitters, and the generally criminally insane)...
they have infested center city like the lice that have infested paris hilton's thong drawer and i am sick of it!
just last week i encountered one of these fuckers at 17th & Chestnut. it wasnt late at all, maybe 8:00 p.m. the streets were buzzing with plenty of people and Bean Sprout and I were just leaving a horrible eating establishment only to be harassed by one of the corniest scammers i have ever had the unpleasure to be approached by.
"miss, excuse me, miss" he said in a shaky, overly dramatic voice. he was wearing a an outfit right off the racks of Scammers GAP...khakis, a button down and a baseball hat.
we were onto him immediately because the desperation he had painted all over his face was too obvious. "could-could i please-please have a dollar? just a dollar? see-see, i'm a diabetic and i don't-don't have my insulin and i just need a dollar or two to buy an orange juice from rite aid..."
he was really going for the oscar for "Best Scammer in a Film Pretending to be Dying of a Disease" when he punctuated his sentence with a long pause that included him faking a gag reflex and then swallowing back what was supposed to be throw up (question to any real diabetics out there-is throwing up a symptom of diabetic shock? its likely not, and probably more a symptom of being so full of bullshit!).
i was mesmerized by him...i was part disgusted and part intrigued and i must admit...partly scammed because for a second (a split second) it crossed my mind that if this was true, this was sad...Bean Sprout wasnt buying it though and she immediately snapped me out of my daze when she so smartly produced from deep in her jacket pocket a shiny quarter, which she held up right in his face.
"sorry, this is all i have..." was all she said with a smurk. she called his bluff and to my surprise, he just walked away from us without so much as a second thought.
i stared at Bean Sprout with amazement, proud that she had handled it so effortlessly and she assured me that this quick thinking had come with lots of unfortunate practice. turns out, she is approached by these fuckers more times than she count and her trick is to always offer them a mere quarter and if they refuse it, she knows they are scammers...afterall, if you were going in to diabetic shock, would you refuse any amount of money that would get you a step closer to your goal of $1? or better yet, wouldn't you just called the fucking ambulance? so unpretty...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
taking SEPTA is like taking a hallucinogen...most times its a ride you won't soon forget and once in awhile you can have a really bad trip.
today for instance...its the 5:00 o'clock rush hour, and i'm just one of many poor fucks trying to get home so i can plant my ass down on the sofa and watch Rachel Ray prove to me what a lazy bitch i am for ordering chinese instead of preparing a three course meal for an entire family in just 30 minutes. i can tell as soon as i walk onto the el platform (elevated train platform for you lucky few who don't have to know that) that i am in for a long commute home. there are crowds of people huffing and puffing because the trains are running late and the last one that came was too full to take on anymore riders. i prepare myself for the ride that is inevitable: a painful fifteen minute stand on a rocking, screeching, stinky train, all the while, trying to ignore the other people around you even though we are nose deep in each others' armpits.
a train finally comes and we pour on, pushing and shoving, each of us praying that we either get a seat, get a pole to hold onto, or at least don't have to sit/stand next to the crazy person (here's a secret: on every el train there is always a minimum of one crazy person that SEPTA plants on board to keep all of the riders in check-think of them like air marshals). i must have done something karmically right today because i actually scored a seat and the person sitting next to me was actually normal. everyone was packed in and we were all waiting for the doors to close when suddenly we hear over the intercom in a gruff voice, "Man With The Bike...there are NO bikes allowed on the el during rush hour-get off the train."
at first, i don't think anyone really heard it, or at least cared because everyone continued stewing in their own misery with no expression on their faces. then a few seconds later i hear him announce again, "Man With The Bike , like i said, there are NO BIKES ALLOWED on the el during rush hour, get off the train now..."
this time people started taking notice....a third of us were snickering, the other third were angry over the delay and the other third...well, they were probably thinking about whatever weird SEPTA commuters which are immune to their surroundings think about. it was a couple more seconds later that i hear (with delight i may add because this to me is entertainment) "Man With The Bike....do i have to come back there and show you how to GET OFF THIS TRAIN?!"
apparently, this finally got through to Man With The Bike, because two seconds later, the doors to the train finally closed and we pulled away. as we raced on to the next stop, i couldn't help but wish Man With The Bike would've called the train conductor's bluff...a fight would have been so unpretty.
so, why is it, i have to ask myself that i/you/we care about celebrities? what does it do for us to know every single cellular detail about their tacky little lives? can i use one more question mark?
?...there i feel better...i really do. back to my ranting now:
it disturbs me sometimes how much i seem to care when i find out what stupid thing paris hilton was quoted saying...i think i read recently that she proclaimed herself most "awesomest" girl in the whole world. whoever that reporter was that swallowed that bullshit with a wink and a smile should be shot for not bitch slapping paris the instant she said that.
am i/you/we so easily fascinated because we lack fascinating lives or is it just so that we can mock those who have had life served to them on a silver tiffany's platter, yet still manage to look like total assholes to the public at large because one thing money cannot buy them is a brain. but isn't that why they employ publicists? paris needs to fire hers. so unpretty....