Crows Feet, Beware.

Last night I partook (partook?) in one of the most dangerous-to-the-wallet activities: shopping in a drug store. As I roamed the face wash aisle, perplexed at the anti-blemish, anti-aging, anti-blackhead washing opportunities, I am jolted from my intense concentration when I hear:

"Go alcohol free."
"Excuse me?" I said.
"Buy alcohol-free cleanser. Just look at me--" he whips off his black Dolce & Gabbana frames-- "I am forty-two years old. How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," I mumble, dropping my sometimes blemished, crows-footed head in shame.
"I look younger than you!" He exclaims, triumphantly, as he walks away.

So you know what I did? I bought into the hype and came home with anti-aging face wash. At age 26. But you know what? It is alcohol-free.

I Should Get My Mind Out of The Gutter....But...

I am a sick, sick girl. I admit it. But I always found it a little giggleworthy that the slogan of Saladworks Cafe was "The Original Salad Tossers." Everyone laugh a little at what we all know that slogan implies.

Anyway, I was visiting a Saladworks location in my hometown and noticed they changed their slogan to "The Original Salad Makers."

Clearly the Man at big bad corporate Saladworks understood the humor behind it all and decided to go boring, but safe.

But by God, that was funny.

Found in Translation

to really say what you mean...ah, how rarely it happens.

(At work)
Person 1: You look tired today...
Person 2: Really? Gee...

Translation...
Person 1: You look like shit today...
Person 2: Oh, yeah? Fuck off.

i wish people could be more obvious and up front about insulting you. i mean, its an insult within an insult-do they really think the insult is that well disguised that you won't pick up on it? being frank would make for much more exciting small talk. and what is with small talk anyway? if one more person makes a comment about the weather to me or the fact that it's almost the end of summer, i'm gonna poke them in the eye with my tide stick.

people, next time you want to tell someone they look like shit, without actually saying the word shit...just tell them they look so unpretty. they'll get it. and they'll thank you for your honesty and respect you for your blogger savvy.

Stalking toolbox.

I've just been told about another tool for the good old online stalking toolbox: ZoomInfo.com. It's a search engine for discovering "people, companies and relationships." Scarily enough, they pulled me right up.

Her Milkshake Makes Me Lactose Intolerant

oh why, oh why, oh why?!

here's my prayer tonight:

Dear God,
i know you have a lot of shit going on right now, but there is something i must beg of you to push to the front of the line...see God, it's Britney. she's just...she's just...she's just so god damn aggravating and annoying and gross and trashy and embarrassing and stupid and squishy.

yes, God, she's squishy too.

so, please. could you do something for the entire human race and put either her or the rest of us out of our misery?

Thanks J.C.

You rock the hizzy.

Shopping Connoisseur

A few pearls of wisdom from my mother, the market maven herself. As you read, please keep in mind that she is a successful business woman, a devoted wife and mother, a virtual taxi service for a very busy teenager, a volleyball player for an adult club, a sister, a daughter and a pet owner.

As I was walking out the door when I lived at home:
Mom: Where are you going?
Me: I have to pick up some sheets and bath towels for my new place.
Mom: I might have some coups. (her nickname for coupons)
Mom after handing over eight coupons: Store A takes expired and non-expired coupons. Store B takes coupons for Store A and Store C, but they can’t be expired. Store C won’t bend the rules at all. Store D will take Store A’s and Store E’s coupons, and they can be expired. They won’t take expired for Store C, and they won’t take any coupons for Store B. Store E only takes their own coupons, but if you find a better price somewhere else, you can take it back and they’ll match it. I don’t have any coupons for Store F, but I should be getting one within a couple weeks; so, if you take the receipt and coupon back then, they will honor the sale.

Phone call after moving into my new place:
Me: Mom, is $X/lb good for grapes.
Mom: You can find better this time of year. And, don’t be shy about not taking a lot of grapes. You can buy whatever amount you want. I don’t care if they prepackage them. I always take just what I need.
Me: That’s sick. Anyway, how can you tell if grapes are good?
Mom: Eat a couple.
Me: What?!?!
Mom: It’s ok. How else are you supposed to know? It’s either that or you have to return them when you find out they’re bad.
Me: You can’t return food.
Mom: Sure you can! Oh absolutely. If I buy something from Store L and then see it a couple days later on sale at Store M, I’ll return it.
Me: You probably waste more in gas by doing that.
Mom: No, I factor that in too. So, it has to be a decent-sized difference. Like a dollar or two.
Me: Ok what about this – 10 for $10 sales. Do I really have to buy 10 to get the sale?
Mom: No.
Me: What about sales like 2 for $6?
Mom: You can just buy one and still get the sale price, unless it says otherwise on the circular. But, you can’t get the sale price for “buy one, get one” sales. Unless you go to Store N. They are the only ones who do that.
Me: Ok.
Mom: You should really get in the habit of doing what I do – buy the Sunday paper on Saturday. Look at all the circulars and write on each one what you want from that store. Then, go through the coupons. They are in every Sunday paper. Clip the ones you will use and that way you can get even more money off. And, sometimes Store O has double coupon days. That’s the best!


Who has time to know this kind of stuff??? And, what exactly is the process to go about finding this out? Does she just test cashiers to see if they will give her her own way? It’s amazing – and not the good kind of amazing.

I'm no angel.

There's a brand of cat-call you get only in the city. Last night, around 11 pm I was unlocking the door to my building. A man walked by, carrying no fewer than four, countem four, cases of Pepsi.

"Where's Cholly?" he says to me.
"Uh, don't know." I reply. What??
"'Cause you're one of his angels."

Oh. Charlie. Charlie's Angels. Hilarious. And all that from a guy carrying huge amounts of cola.

Little Miss Sunshine

ok, i found the feel good, feel crazy, feel sad movie of the year: Little Miss Sunshine.

all of the characters were superbly constructed and this film touched me in my special place. the themes of the film include the deconstruction of the nuclear family, attempted suicide, the trials and tribulations of a repressed homosexual, the self-asteem of a young girl, and america's crazy obsession with self-help. oh, and the corrupt world of child beauty pageants.

go see it and thank me by posting a comment about how much i am a cinematic genius and that i should be given an honorary oscar because i am that fucking good, man.

that is all.

Smile Like You Mean It

when someone says something crazy that you don't agree with...

when someone dumps work on you and you can't breathe your so overwhelmed...

when someone insults you and doesn't even realize it...

when someone tries to do something nice for you and you hate it...

just smile like you mean it. and curse them inside. because it's totally healthy and sane.

Treat Yourself.

So this week has been one of those weeks where I've decided to save money. I think it's by default seeing as I do not get paid until next Thursday and have almost no cash to get me through the weekend and the subsequent four days. Oh...and a rockin' haircut.

Anyway, I looked down at my favorite (low) high heels today and realized that they needed some serious TLC or were simply going to be put out to pasture. And I hated that option. And as previously mentioned, I am not spending money on shoes today.

I did what any normal person would do and got my shoes re-heeled. And they look amazing. And for only 12 bones.

Kfed Lose Control Teen Choice Awards

OK, when you watch this spectacle, remember this is a performance (and I use that word very loosely) for the TEENS Choice awards...notice all of the bleeps and laugh in the irony with me folks.

City Slicker

While I have only been a bonafide city girl since July 1st, I have noticed a slight change in my attitude. Three prime examples come to mind.

The other day I was walking down the street at lunchtime and talking on the phone. I have sooo many friends so I have to fit the calls in whenever possible. Anyway, up ahead I saw one of the cults-with-a-cause that rule the city corners during all heavy traffic times. This particular group was either collecting for the poor kids in Africa or a mayor-hopeful's campaign fund. They all sound the same to me now. So, as I approached the intersection, I was harrassed by one of the philantropists-gone-bad. He was in my face, waving a clip board and ranting and raving about how much good I can do by signing my life away. I literally took the phone away from my ear, stared at him, put my hand up between us and yelled, "Excuse me. That's enough!" Then, with my still-raised hand, I did the brush off motion. Although I later felt kind of bad for treating someone like that, I think it is ridiculous to get harassed by these virtual beggars, especially when I am obviously on the phone. I do my part for charity, but I draw the line at giving a 15-year-old stranger my bank account number.

My second example occured at Shop Rite a few weeks ago. After I bought my groceries and walked out to my car, I was appalled to see the piss-poor park job that was next to my space. The maroon van was literally about a foot and a half over the yellow line on my side, and its driver's side was so close to my passenger side that I am baffled at how the culprit (who I just know was at least 400 pounds) managed to get out of his/her car. And, it's not like the car on the other side was over thier line so they had no choice. After I checked for damages to my precious Accord, I found a piece of paper in my car and wrote "Learn to park!" and lodged it into their door handle. Coming from the girl who never honks in anger, this was a pretty bold move.

Another problem I have, which I know has been discussed on unpretty before, are the elevator abusers. The distaste I have for those who run for elevators has been a life-long one, but lately I have copped quite the attitude about it. When I was still a suburban snob, I would ignore any mess-in-heels running and screaming for the elevator, opting instead to let it close in her face. I could go on and on about how I feel about these people, but I will stick to my original point. Since I have moved into a city zip code, not only will I let the elevator close, but now I also give a dirty look to the person, acting as if the mere request for an elevator hold has ruined my 17-floor ride and my day. Additionally, when the doors shut, I will turn to whoever else in there with me (even if they fumbled around to try to hold the elevator) and say something cockey like, "I don't care. I never hold the door for anyone. Like, are you that important that you can't wait another few seconds for the next one?!" So far, this tirade as been met with nervous smiles, averted eyes and confused glances. Obviously, these people are suburbanites.

I'm back.

i've returned to a hot apartment, a boatload of laundry, hundreds of emails, 55 voicemails (5 urgent) and my smiling friends. i'm exhausted but renewed in my love for lake winnapausaukee and new hampshire. also, i didn't fight with my parents at all! PS romance is stressful.

S.O.S. 2006

the end of august is almost upon us and you know what that means...labor day...and the unofficial end of summer (BOOOOHHH!)

so, now i'm about to do for you what i usually hate...especially when it happens around New Year's; you know - a version of a "best of 2000-whatever" list. here's my top five Songs Of Summer (S.O.S.) 2006. let me know if you agree...

5. "Stars are Blind" by the Robot formally known as Paris Hilton. i really never loved this song, but for some reason-i guess because she is slut bag with fewer brain cells than britney spears-everyone was so impressed (including myself as i bow my head in shame). i mean, wow. to think that she could actually get her shit together long enough to a) record a song and b) shoot a video and without killing herself...well, it was simply amazing, man. miracles can happen.

4. "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguillera. ok, so this is notable because it was her unofficial comeback...comeback from what you may ask? she was headed down a one way road to Paris' hometown, Slutsville, Slutsylvania. but, then she hired a stylist and before you knew it, she had been de-dredded, un-pierced, and her ass-less chaps (made famous in her "Dirty" video) had been tossed in the trash with mel gibson's dignity. now, she looks like a mini-Marilyn Monroe and she's finally singing good stuff again.

3. "Promiscuous Girl" by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland. wow! and to think, a few years ago she was proclaiming herself "like a bird"...now she's just begging for it...shocking but, delightful. and i recently read that she's egyptian...which of course brings her cool factor up to like 1,000.

2. "Me & U" by Cassie. ok, i really think this is a tie for first, as i cannot stop listening to this song. i don't know why i love it, but i do. so shut up. is it the beat? is it her voice? is it the fact, that every time i listen to it, i have to stop what i'm doing and mouth the words like a freak? maybe it's all of the above. LOVE IT!

1. "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake. HUH?! that's what i thought the very first time i heard this song. i had no idea if was listening to a man or a woman let alone an ex-NSYNCer. i was amazed and a lot of other things i can't share with you as my dog is in the room with me as i type this...i mean, how hot - or should i say sexy - is this song? i really dig it and i can't wait to see him sing this at the VMAs on august 31st. he should do it wearing nothing but shackles...because he's my slave...go 'head, get gone with it!

Your Mom.

There is nothing that makes me laugh harder than when someone answers something I say with: "Your Mom." I don't know why I think it's so funny, but it stops me dead in my giggly tracks every time.

"I think we should probably go to XYZ for dinner."
"Your Mom thinks we should go there."

"I have to go to Happy Harry's to get something."
"I saw your mom there, making Harry Happy."

Yes, that was said.

This is a dumb post. But I don't want to type an article I am supposed to be writing right now. Blech.

Sorry Unusual, I am boring. And I hope I didn't offend anyone.

OK, where my bitches at?

what the fuck, yo!

is everyone and their mom away on vacations this week? i feel like not a single one of our peeps have checked in this week on so unpretty. now i know there are some of you out there who never comment (freaks that you are; its so sneaky to read and not comment, popsie)...but i know that there are those of you who read and post a comment or two everyday! the blog is so cold and lonely lately, i can't take it! please, please come back!

someone hold me.

Happy Birthday Madonna!

yes, today is the day that God gave us the Material Girl. if you are an avid reader of so unpretty, then you know that she is one of the three things i hold sacred in my heart (the other two being none of your fucking business).

my idol turned 48 today. here's some fun and interesting facts you may or may not already know:

She is good friends with Björk, who also wrote the song 'Bedtime Story' for her 1994 album, Bedtime Stories.

Gwyneth Paltrow was the Maid of Honor at her wedding to Guy Ritchie.

She has an IQ of 140.

She is only 5'4½" tall.

She is strongly Pro-Life. She was even in anti-abortion ads in the UK.

Her favorite flowers are white roses.

She is a fan of Katharine Hepburn.

finally, three great Madonna quotes:

"I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body!"

"I think that everyone should get married at least once, so you can see what a silly, outdated institution it is."

"I sometimes think I was born to live up to my name. How could I be anything else but what I am having been named Madonna? I would either have ended up a nun or this."

Pen Pal in the Pen

there are many reasons that i could be ashamed of being apart of the female species...especially with representatives like paris hilton, the trashy playboy bunnies on the "girls next door", the nutty mothers on "wife swap", and The View's resident republican, elizabeth hasselback...but recently, petty shame became absolute horror when i heard on GMA that scott peterson actually receives over a hundred love letters a week from adoring women from all over the country.

i guess murdering your pregnant wife so you can have a hassle-free love affair with your girlfriend is just not that big of a deal-surely, he still needs love and affection. and these women who pen him passionate proclamations claim to be just the fuckheads to give it to him.

lets do a quick psychological profile of these freaks, shall we?

they have very healthy sex lives...with their father, father's friends, and their uncles.

they are great supporters of their girlfriends...they always give them a ride to the hospital right after they've had their asses beat by their abusive boyfriends.

they have a strong faith-based upbringing...Reverend Hank personally put jesus inside them.

they take a lot of pride in their appearances...acrylic nails and hot rollers go a long way.

hearing something like this makes me want to cry. are women that desperate? picture what they'd say to justify this: "ok, what scott did was really bad, but he's like, really, really sorry and he told me that if he could, he never ever would have done that...but hey, everything happens for a reason; like, think about it...i never would have met him otherwise..."

Shhh...on the Procrastination Tip.

It's Friday. It's 2:20. It's gorgeous outside. Where is your brain? My eyes were just darting wildly through the 'Vows' section of the New York Times, which proved to be completely amusing.

I just shared this observation with Beanorama and it turns out that, not only do we share a brain, but she finds them equally as hilarious.

Some excerpts:

...."The bride, who typically dates metrosexuals...."
....."Guests were treated to a cheeseburger buffet...."
...."The next day, they pretended their conversation never happened and ignored each other, as teenagers often do."

I just try to imagine a stodgy reporter prodding these couples and being over the moon at such bizarro details.

New York Times - Vows. Check 'em out.

Hello, Lake!

Goodbye freezing cold office! Goodbye rats squeeking near the trash outside my building! Goodbye toilet in my studio apt that I have to sit sideways on in order to fit!

Hello warm New England sun and freezing New England nights... hello bats and raccoons and daddy-long-legs... hello outhouses... hello lake baths... hello line dancing (yes, line dancing).

Tomorrow morning I will brave the security measures at the airport to head to good old Lake Winnapausaukee, New Hampshire, for a week of tennis and gin-n-tonics, fishing and cookouts... and even a talent show.

Peace. (Prinounced "PUH-EEESE.")

PA Mummie

Take one Polish American String Band, two 20-something girls, about 150 Philadelphia residents over 75, and add a cardboard cooler of Miller Lite. What do you have? The best night ever! I recently left a work event attended by upper-class yuppie Center City snobs to go to a South Philly neighborhood PA (Polish American) concert. Armed with my social lubricant of choice, I managed to break it down with the die-hard geriatrics (no pun intended) while the band performed their exuberant melodies. I am finding it difficult to put the experience into words. Thank god I wasn't on any sort of drug when I was there because I think I would have freaked out. It was almost impossible to wrap my sober head around the sight that I was beholding. Basically, every born-and-bread neighborhood Philly stereotype was in attendance. When the event was over, I had only one question: When is the next concert? My new hobby will be PA groupie, a mummie if you will.

Tea Partay

Scarily enough, I think some of us know these people. "Ahndrew! You'll ruin your Gucci loafers!!

Engaged women, beware.

This weekend I was lucky enough to take part in a fun bachelorette party for one of my pals (a frequent So Unpretty commenter). We were truly celebrating this marriage: it's good. It's solid. It's full of love. But from the unsolicited comments from ladies in the bar and even in a drugstore, you would think marriage is a disease.

Bitter women are everywhere, and for some reason they think they can spew their venom on anyone they want... even on young brides-to-be that they don't even know. This weekend, a bunch of washed up miserable middle-aged bitches traded in "congratulations" for comments along the lines of:

"Don't do it!"
"Run!"
"Oh, you are so young and hopeful..."
"You'll be divorced in six months."
"Marriage is a sacrament. Ha."
"You don't know what you're in for."

It was awful! Why do people spread their misery? Just because they aren't successful at their marriage doesn't mean my sweet little bride/friend will be. They should shut their traps and offer words of encouragement. Yes, marriage is hard. My bride/friend knows that. But she can still look forward to the joy it brings!

Nasty old bitches are so unpretty.

Nastola.

Yesterday morning, I scrubbed my bod and hair, put on my freshly laundered clothes, left my just-cleaned (for once) apartment, and walked outside... to find a condom on the steps of my building. It was not in a wrapper. It was unrolled. Luckily, it did not have the other telltale signs of being used (use your imagination, dirtbag). But it's still not a nice thing to see first thing. And who do you think would be making the beast with two backs on my steps? How uncomfortable. How unpretty!

Ode to a Lint Brush Roller

sorry for biting on your "ode to" shtick, beanorama, but i was just thinking to myself: i don't think life would be possible if it were not for my handy, dandy lint brush roller. having the privilege to live with an angel (and by angel of course i am referring to my white-haired dog) has lots of perks, but one BIG draw back is having all of her hair stick to my clothes. every morning, without fail, i must rollie down or else i look like an old lady named Frances who has 25 cats and a parakeet (the parakeet is just for good measure).

who invented this miraculous time saver/image booster??? well, i did try to find out, but google and ask.com were no help. i suspect the inventor is also the founder of post-it notes and bagged salads; two other inventions i KNOW i can't live without.

I Love You, I Hate You

things that i love...

my dog's face, particularly, her nose and muzz flaps (her cheeks)

my husband, and his amazing ability to always calm me down whenever i am upset about something

my friends, and how each one of them teaches me something about life

pepperoni pizza, well done

anything and everything madonna

watching mindless, yet delightful television (i.e. project runway, laguna beach, entourage, anything on E!)

dancing to music that lets me forget all my problems

french vanilla, iced latte lites with three splenda

funky necklaces and accessories


things that i hate...

the word "angus" and any burger commercial that brands itself as using "real certified 100% ANGUS BEEF"

the pressure to be as thin as possible

george dub'ya and his entire cabinet; oh and laura for marrying him

ignorance, racism, bigotry and injustice

gassing my car with fuel that costs me more than a happy meal with a side order of nuggets

the following shows: celebrity poker showdown, the view, wife swap, this old house

riding septa on a rainy day, hot day, or any day for that matter

being too tall to wear heels

sweatpits

Holy Shitballs.

I was just sent this ultra-scary link, www.familywatchdog.us, created by America's Most Wanted's John Walsh. You can enter your address, and you'll get a map with icons throughout your neighborhoods, telling you where registered sex offenders live and work. When you click on these dots a picture of a person will appear with an address and the description of the crime he or she had committed. Yes, it is big brotherly and a little creepy, but at the same time, facinating and terrifying. So very unpretty. But good if you are a parent.

And Coming Soon...

Beanorama, The Dancing Machine, Part Deux

Stay tuned.

The times, they are a-changin'.

Oh thank god. No more ditties about performance fleeces. No ladies in long skirts hopping around a pool. No cheesy blonde male models dancing like dorks about their cargo shorts. Old Navy has a new commercial, and for the first time ever... I like it!

The line "Lights camera action, we gonna get out fash' on" sticks in my head all day.

And you know what? It makes me want to get MY fash' on. (However, I am stuck wearing a sweaty size large tee shirt with a geeky logo, but hey- those are the perils of my bizniz.)

Lock up your daughters but let your sons roam free.

I read this paragraph this morning with interest:

"More girls lose their virginity in the summer than at any other time of year, according to researchers at Mississippi State University. There are all kinds of reasons. You remember. You had more free time and less supervision. You met a new guy at church camp whom you'd never see again, or were about to say goodbye to an old friend before you both went away to college. Maybe you were in love or maybe you weren't, but those sticky summer nights almost demanded surrender." (from the Washington Post)

First of all, I just think it's a sexy little summer statistic. But then I was wondering, why does it say girls lose their virginity? If girls are busy losing it in June, July and Aug, who are the boys losing it to in Dec and Jan? I was under the impression that it takes two to get tangled up in blue.

Or maybe this is a sexist comment in diguise. We are only worried about the gals losing their V card. The boys' V cards don't even deserve a mention? Unpretty.

Either way, as Labor Day draws close, maybe there will be a run on condoms in aisle five. At least I hope so.