“Four Christmases” – My New Solution to Handling the Holidays

I just saw the preview for this last night. First of all, I love Vince Vaughn. Any chick that they can get to share the same screen as him to pout & sigh (like Jen Aniston in The Break Up) is fine as long as I can get some great lines from Vince (like the phrase “motorboat” in Wedding Crashers). In this movie, Reese Witherspoon seems to fit the bill.

Second, I love the premise: a couple that goes on vacation during the holidays to prevent having to deal with family! LOVE IT! Like most people, married or not, dealing with family during the holidays is akin to getting a root canal without anesthesia and simultaneously experiencing a raging case of diarrhea. I don’t buy into the typical Norman Rockwell image that the holidays are a time of appreciation & thanksgiving for the everyday joys of life that we often take for granted, blah, blah, blah… Granted, my family situation isn’t dramatic or hilarious or tragic & I guess I should be grateful for that, but, the simple fact of the matter is that I just don’t like being around family, especially extended family.

Instead, I would prefer to go away to some place warm during the holidays. I have lain awake at night gloating over how much certain family members would be emotionally distraught or jealous over my absence at the holiday dinner table, while I’m basking in the sun in the Caribbean. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? In that Friends episode where Monica cooked the turkey for everyone, I thought that it was ideal. I would love for nothing more than to just entertain for my friends on that day. No driving, no drama, no rivalry, no “safe” conversation topics and best of all, I wouldn’t have to bite my tongue. Nothing good ever comes from me not being able to be my usual snarky self for days on end.

So, since I have to endure the usual BS this year, I’ve tried to think of the typical dysfunctional family holiday movie. And, in every dysfunctional family holiday movie, they always have the generic drunk relative, right? Well, I think that I’m going to cast myself in the role of Drunk Auntie/ Sister-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law. My family is severely lacking in that department. In previous years, I’ve hidden behind books & Ipods to keep a cool head. I think that this year would be a far more entertaining approach. I can tote a flask for dramatic effect filled with either booze or water. Probably booze since it will help to numb the pain. With any luck at the end of the holiday season, family members will be cringing at the thought of my presence as much as I dread theirs. Every time they reflect upon the holidays of ‘08, it’ll be like, “hey, do you remember how drunk miz got? Remember how she fell out of her chair drunk at the table? Or, when she opened all of the kids’ presents on Christmas Eve while they were watching cartoons?” I nearly ruined Christmas for some 10 yr. old last year by almost letting out the truth about Santa and I was sober & unprovoked then. If I’m successful, maybe they’ll cancel holiday get togethers completely! Or, at least not invite me.

Hmmm. One can only dream.