Lindsay Was Up All Night...

a. writing a paper for her sociology class

b. picking a new skin for her myspace page

c. researching breast reduction

d. IMing with Josh, and making plans for their next date rape

Today.

Since Thunderstorms Are Predicted...

A little "light"-hearted warning for you:

Lightning has been the second largest storm killer in the U.S. for the last 40 years, exceeded only by floods. A lightning strike can result in a cardiac arrest (heart stopping) at the time of the injury, although some victims may appear to have a delayed death a few days later if they are resuscitated but have suffered irreversible brain damage.

According to Storm Data, a National Weather Service publication, over the last 30 years the U.S. has averaged 62 reported lightning fatalities per year. Due to under reporting, the figures are more realistically at least 70 deaths per year. Only about 10% of people who are struck by lightning are killed, leaving 90% with various degrees of disability.

ODDS OF BECOMING A LIGHTNING VICTIM
Odds of being struck by lightning in a given year (reported deaths + injuries): 1/700,000
Odds of being struck by lightning in a given year (estimated total deaths + injuries): 1/400,000
Odds of being struck in your lifetime (Est. 80 years): 1/5000
Odds you will be affected by someone being struck (Ten people affected for every one struck): 1/500


there. i just made your day.

Worst Show of 2007

Pirate Master.

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ful.

i wish i had not one, but two eye patches just to watch five minutes of this absa-fucking-lutely ridiculoso show. CBS Execs who produced this fucker: walk the effing plank.

You May Not Be A Celebrity...

...but at least you can find out which one you most resemble.

myheritage.com

check it out. its good, clean, self-obsessive fun.

Can You Guess Which One Is A Man?

i can't.

CAPTION: Perez Hilton and Posh Spice

READER ALERT

A.T.S. is the artist formerly known as Unusual Suspect.

That is all.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Candy For Your Eyes and Fesit For Your Ears

your welcome.

End of days.

I am still so sad. But I feel better knowing that women all over are feeling the same bittersweet goodbye.

Jezebel is pretty similar to Jane, but in blog form, and they sum up Jane readers feelings here:

Jezebel also brings up some of the most amazing articles that I remember-- Unusual Suspect, remember how I told you Dov Charney touched his ween in front of a Jane writer? And the Club Med article is all about how they whore themselves for s. Click the links for the articles.

"Otherwise our favorite moments in Jane usually involved Jeff Johnson's jokes and Claudine Ko's voyeuristic skewerings of Club Med, the Peace Corps and American Apparel -- institutions other magazines would never bother investigating."

Goodbye, Sweet Jane.

Ladies, it's been a glorious ride, but it's all about to end. The idiots that brought you "ten ways to please your man" have now completely ended the run on one of the best women's magazines of my almost-three decades: goodbye, Jane Magazine.

Jane, the offshoot of the new & different Sassy, was a Fairchild Pub named after & written in the spirit of Jane Pratt, the free spirit that once made out with Drew Barrymore. Every month for years I would retreat to my bedroom and read Jane cover to cover, laughing out loud at everything from the cover lines to the captions. Jane was the first snark I ever snarked. Jane was a refreshing change from lame ass women's magazines that only wanted you to please your man at all costs. To do so, Jane didn't have to preach or to hate-- the writers just treated themselves and their readers with a healthy dose of self respect and humor.

Then... dum dum dum... here comes Conde Nast! The big bad Conde Nasty kicked out Jane Pratt. I;m sure they fired half the staff. And the new editor, Brandon Holley, SWORE Jane would still be Jane. But the Conde Nast influence was immediately obvious. They still had ball-busting headlines, but the fine print was the same ten ways to please your man type of bullshit.

I almost wrote in (but my day job made me too scared). I almost cancelled my subscription. But Katy's travel stories and Jeff's music reviews kept me subscribing, month after month, when eye rolls replaced belly laughs.

And today: the final nail in the Conde Nast coffin. May Jane rest in peace.

A.T.S. was so unprettily right!

Last week, when I read Ashlie's post about the latest fashion trend I shook my head in cynical disbelief. But what did I catch on Big Brother 8 last week? A contestant named Amber who looks as if she's the recipient of a tragic 80s perm gone bad. Later on, I was talking to my sister in law about how awful & dated this hairstyle is and she replied, " I know, but it's coming back, that look is coming back!"

Nooooooooooo!! The horror!

Unfortuately, Ashlie was So Unprettily right.

Washington Square Deserves Props, Too.

Yesterday, my friends and I partook (is that a word?) in a lovely croquet match to celebrate our Nation's independence. We selected Washington Square as the destination, which is a change from our usual route of Rittenhouse Square.

We found the destination to be lovely, less bustling than Rittenhouse and very pretty. We also saw a lady walking a cat and a woman with a full goatee.

If you happen to be in the area and have a full bladder, I recommend the Starbucks on Walnut (I think), Jones, or LaScala's.

As for the croquet match, I cheated. And Beanorama saw it all go down.

Another reason to love Target

As though I needed one. A few years ago, I used to use this product called Downy Wrinkle Releaser. It’s great if you’re like me , meaning 1) you don’t like to iron (honestly, who does?), 2) your daily wardrobe consists of either what you pulled out of the dryer or what you picked up off your bedroom floor or 3) if you’re like Jmoney & sleep in your clothes.

So anyway, the way this stuff works is that you squirt it onto your clothes, tug at it a bit & the wrinkles come out. Genius! Downy also used to have a Wrinkle Releaser fabric softener. Combine those two products & I was in wrinkle free heaven.

Of course when there’s a product this amazing, it has to go away. For a while now, I’ve been searching for it all over & came across it on Downy’s website. Once I realized that the only way to acquire it was by buying it online, I just resigned myself to a life of wrinkly clothes.

Then, it happened. Last week, I went to Target to buy some fabric softener (which at Target only comes in a big ass bottle that will last me for the next 6 months. Love it.) and lo & behold on the same laundry aisle I saw a big ass bottle of Downy Wrinkle Releaser!

I quickly grabbed it & contemplated buying several more bottles for fear that it would go out of style a la Elaine & the Today sponge. However, I managed to control myself & limit it to 1 bottle…for now.

Watch out wrinkles! Week-old laying-in-the-dryer clothes ain’t go nothing on me!

Sto-laht, Sto-laht!

its someone's birthday today...can you guess who? in case your iphone doesnt load the picture attached to this post, then i'll give you some hints.

he dresses in drag (every new year's eve) and blows (a saxophone).

he's very patriotic, loves politics and holds dear his right to vote (for bush).

he drives a black nissan (deathtrap that he bought from ebay).

he works really hard (to stay on top of all of the blogs and newspapers).

he's also a great friend. happy birthday, popsie!

Readers Poll: You and Your Sinuses

1. do you have sinus problems/allergies? (if yes, continue on to question #2; if no, skip to question 4)

2. have you ever used an over the counter sinus rinse? (if yes, continue on to question #3; if no, skip to question 4)

3. do you enjoy the fact that your nose will involuntary continue to drain hours after your sinus rinse, resulting in embarrassing, yet oddly exciting moments of "faucet nose"? (if yes, please post a comment; if no, skip to question 4)

4. have you always been a jerk?

thanks for participating! be sure to check back in for the results!

p.s. i really do use sinus rinses (see picture). its awesome and seems to be working for me. since i started them, i have not had a single sinus infection. cross my heart and kiss my elbow.

So Unpretty Fashion Prediction of '08

curly hair.

i can already smell the hot curlers and the perm solution.

oh, yes. i have had an off-again, on-again love affair with curly hair. perms when i was young. then, as i got older, discovering that i had naturally wavy hair meant that with enough mouse, hairspray and heat, you can do just about anything including building the perfect curl. i will say, its a lot of work, but it has its hot moments. and i can just feel this one coming around the corner. probably this fall. make your hair appts now, biatches.

to the straightees: poor you.

iPhone Use #69: its a great prophylactic

Did You Know There Are Officially Nine Steps to Applying Mascara?

Its a wonder we ever leave the house on time...note the difficulty rating. hilarious.

An excerpt from eHow.com:

Mascara's one of the most popular beauty items. It defines and brings color to the lashes, and highlights and dramatizes eyes. Different formulas can enhance your lashes in different ways.

Difficulty: Moderate

Steps

Step One
Consider the types of mascara and select one appropriate for your lashes and the occasion. You have a choice of lengthening, thickening, long-wearing, conditioning and waterproof formulas, among others. For day, you might decide to add length, while a night on the town may require a long-wearing or thickening formula.

Step Two
Select a color. If you have blond or red lashes, opt for brown mascara. Darker-lashed women can consider brown for a casual look, and black or brown-black for more pronounced or dramatic lashes.

Step Three
Curl your lashes with an eyelash curler, if desired, and apply all other eye makeup prior to your mascara.

Step Four
Remove the wand from the tube in one pull. Pumping the mascara will push air into the tube, potentially drying out the formula and introducing bacteria into it.

Step Five
Begin with the underside of your upper lashes, moving the brush slowly upward toward the tips of your lashes. Always hold the wand parallel to your eyelid. Roll the brush slowly on the upward stroke to promote separation of the lashes.

Step Six
Allow the first coat of mascara to dry before applying the second coat in the same manner.

Step Seven
Use an eyelash comb to separate the wet lashes. Also blot the lashes with tissue paper if necessary to remove excess mascara.

Step Eight
Use less mascara for the lower lashes. Begin where the lashes meet the rim of the lower eyelid, and gently stroke downward.

Step Nine
Remove any stray mascara around the eye with a cotton swab dipped in a small amount of eye makeup remover.

Tips & Warnings

Contact lens wearers should stick to waterproof mascara formulas, as they break down more slowly, minimizing the chance of any flakes getting into the eyes.
Always remove eye makeup thoroughly before going to bed. This will keep lashes healthier and prevent any mascara from getting into your eyes during the night.
Apply mascara after eye shadow and eyeliner.

BACK TO BLACK

By Amy Winehouse

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

This looks awful.

Who wants to go see it with me?