On a Hybrid High

with gas being more expensive than a mcdonald's meal deal, most are in agreement that only one of three options should be considered this summer when its time to get around the city:
a. those two things called feet
b. magic carpet (now available at TARGET, isle four)
c. a hybrid car

if my hubs and i hadn't purchased GINGER THE JETTA last summer, you can bet your hard earned buckaroos that we would be investing in a hybrid. who wants to spend all that money this summer on fuel when there's plenty of beer to buy for all of those great backyard BBQs?

Back in the saddle again. Ugh.

i'm sure there's a plethora of blogs out there about the single gal navigating the "other fish in the sea." but since i'm recently back in the mother-effing saddle again, i thought i'd add to the woes of singledom bloggorea.

i've always been steadfastly picky (some may say "critical") when it comes to guys, and i've only cared deeply about two (well, maybe three, but really, two) in my 25 (almost 26, gulp) years. all the guys in between have just been a distraction until the real one comes along. and with good reason! here's a little taste of what i've had to deal with in my single moments:

• one baltimoron put his hand on my leg (gasp! i'm a prude) on the way to the restaurant-annoying. even more annoying was when he followed it up with a hand in my back pocket at a bar. come on, is it 1985 and do you really think that's sexy? lose.
• another baltimoron (actually he was nice and smart) ran his hand over my carpet (on my floor, pervs) to pull up a handful of hairball, proving, on the first date, that i was a bad housekeeper.
• just recently, i was getting my picture taken in a bar when i felt a squeeze on my left butt cheek. i turned to the striped-shirt-wearing, ex-frat boy in outrage, saying "don't do that!!" his response? "i'm sorry, baby. i'm brian. what's your name?" is he kidding? is this how guys meet girls? would any girl react to that with some dumbass giggle and date this pig?
• another long-term semi-boyfriend invited me all the way to an island on the carribbean. not until the second day (of no action) did he tell me he had a girlfriend back home! i'd like my $800 back, please.
• another turtleneck-wearing* guy was an illegal immigrant. everything about him was illegal--his car decals, his license, everything. but we lasted four months because i obliviously couldn't understand a word he said in his irish brogue.
• a boy i had had my eye on for months--then finally smooched--invited me last minute to a work party. then he called me the wrong name. then i found out he already had one date to the party, and i would be his second. come on.

and the list goes on. it gets worse and worse. but alas, i find myself back here, in the saddle again. and it's tiring and daunting. but it's springtime, and love-slash-horniness is in the air. maybe i'll meet a good-looking guy with more than three brain cells who would never dare grab my ass as a hello. dare to dream, beanorama.

*and if by turtleneck, you mean...

Drinking water is hard.

my doctor, my sister, my magazines, my taxidermist... they all sound off on drinking water. "oh, it's so good for your skin. just clears those zits right up." "oh, it really clears out your intestines. "...gives you energy." "...improves brain cells." "...makes you a pornstar in bed." and the like.

but i resist. why? it really pisses me off that water makes me have to pee all the time. who has the time in their day to go out of the office, walk down the hall, punch in the numbers on the bathroom lock, spread toilet paper all over the seat, do your thang, wash your hands, make small talk with the ladies from the lawyers' office, and walk all the way back to your desk just to chug a few more ounces and do it all again?? i say boycott! boycott drinking water! we'll all be much more productive, albeit with zits, clogged intestines, no energy, dumbass brain cells and no libido. (this blog post sponsored by soft drink companies everywhere.)

Unprettiest Post of the Month

sorry for the length of this post, but i couldn't cheat S.U. readers out of seeing this article for themselves....

if you think for one second that this is anything other than an excuse to do what all of the rest of us proudly own up to doing occasionally (and that is of course having no self control and overeating in the wee hours of the night due to either intoxication, stress or because we're between new seasons of the O.C.)than i need to hear from you and you better be able to argue your point-and yes, i'm the writer who recently quit smoking, so BEWARE!

"Ever since she was little, Amy Koecheler, a 22-year-old college senior in Eau Claire, Wis., has done something unusual: In the middle of the night, she gets out of bed to eat, without even waking up.

She isn't conscious during her nocturnal noshing, and has no memories, despite all the times she's done it.

"Not until the next morning, when I saw the evidence of the bowl from my cereal, or I had left the milk out, or the chips were on the couch and they were still open," Koecheler said.

With Koecheler's permission, "Good Morning America" set up surveillance cameras in her apartment for a week. The cameras caught Koecheler sleep eating one night (she now takes medication so her sleep eating is more under control) and showed a side of her that neither she nor boyfriend Ryan Kelly had ever seen before.

"I'd never feel anything 'cause I sleep like a rock," he said.

When Kocheler viewed the tape, she was very surprised by her behavior.

"I was like a zombie. What am I doing? Looks like M&Ms. I'm loud. How many handfuls did I take?" she said with a laugh. "I didn't think I ate Cheetos, did I? That's kind of scary that I didn't—"

Then she saw herself drinking lemonade.

"I don't remember drinking that lemonade at all," she said. "Watching the video, I don't remember anything."

Quitting Sucks

i quit smoking 57 hours ago. i want to die or kill someone else. the only thing stopping me is knowing that if i did either of those two things, i would want a cigarette afterwards, so what's the point?

i can't concentrate. i'm stressed out. i'm more on edge than tom cruise's movie investors...

i quit three years ago successfully and i don't remember it being this hard. this time around, i feel like a live wire...everytime i hear something mildly idiotic or annoying spew out of someone's unsuspecting mouth, i feel like i'm going to freak out and drop kick them. i saw footage of a woman run over her husband with an SUV this morning and i actually laughed. am i turning into a maniac?

i heard once you've made it through the first three days, it gets better. i hope so for my co-workers/husband/family's sake. thank god i have a jetta and not an SUV.

Book club virgin, no more.

being in my mid-twenties, i thought it was high time to hit up craigslist for a little book club action. where better to meet a bunch of word-loving nerds like myself? i thought it was going to be basically an hour-long gossip session punctuated by the word "protagonist" and "plot," but much to my surprise it was actually an hour long book discussion punctuated by words like "fiancee" and "george clooney." (clearly we were all mid-twenties, huh?) i was also relieved to discover that like me, every book clubber but one did not like the book (at weddings and wakes by alice mcdonald) so we got a chance to do some book-bitching as well. always good fun for book nerds like myself. anyway... the point here is: if you have a few hours on a sunday, contact your inner bookworm and join a book club. and, give me a suggestion for the next book!

A diamond is forevah.

rabbits are multiplying, naked shoulders in sundresses are appearing, sun poisoning is popping up all over (like on my chest, gross)... you know it's springtime. whereas the winter doldrums are so unpretty, springtime leads to randy co-eds, and a lot of loving. this is just a special shoutout (blog-out?) to the lots of loving going on with the newly engaged couple down in richmond virginia...congrats m & j!

as my buddy bishop jeremy taylor is wont to say "marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful."

Dogs wearing shoes=ADORABLE

while walking in the city today i saw a boston terrier strutting down the street. anytime i see a dog, i always fall in love, but this one really stole my heart because he was wearing little shoes on each of his four paws. this stopped me dead in my tracks and before i knew it, i was oowing and ahhhing because it was probably the cutest thing i'd ever seen. the owner was a man and i am sure this scores him more digits than buying a woman a drink. smart dude, no bones about it (sorry for the pun but i'm still in puppy crush mode.)

i know dogs in human attire and accessories can really piss some people off, but i'm sorry; i think its great!

Oh, Bain's Boys, where art thou?

this post may not mean a lot to some of you, but to those who get it, you'll agree...Bain's Deli at the Bellevue used to have alot more to offer than just a fine selection of high quality deli meats: thats right, i'm talking about the Bain's Boys.

if you've visited Bain's within the last five years, you know who they were; at least most of the ladies i've ever worked with have. they were the hottest thing since the New Kids and they made every secretary (young and old) smile as they sliced up a huge chunk of roast beef for ya'.

i always wondered if it was intentional---hiring these strapping young deli boys who looked like they probably had a second job at the cave---if it was intentional, it was pure genious. but what happened? did they all get scouted out for a reality show or worse-maybe they all moved to vegas and now perform live at Chip-n-Dale's.

Rosie vs. Star

this may be the most unprettiest post to date...

in more news that has no real impact on your everyday life, it was announced that Rosie O'Donnell will be replacing Merideth Viera on abc's The View (the show which is notorious for embarrassing real women everywhere with its mantic cackling).

i must say its going to be interesting to see her sit next to Star Jones Reynolds, whom she's publicly criticized for refusing to admit that she had gastro bypass surgery (don't worry star, she's just jealous!).

seriously, though...both of these women are repulsive and the panel is now the most warped version of the village people to date: one angry lesbo, one fag hag w/weight issues, one nazi republican, and one loud mouth ignoramous. Babs must be so pleased...

Foodie Alert

So Unpretty isn't known for its food reviews, but we just couldn't help ourselves-if you haven't eaten at Deuce yet, you are missing out. and with weather like this, you can enjoy all its location has to offer.

Deuce is located at the new Liberties Walk on 2nd Street in Northern Liberties. what is Liberties Walk exactly? uh...dunno. seems like a two block hipster strip mall, complete with an art gallery, spa, sushi bar, pilates studio, upscale pet store, coffee house and bakery (the bakery is Brown Betty's-home of the most banging cupcakes ever).

people also live there too, above all of these stores/shops/etc. are lofts.

the crowd is young but not under 25, cool but not pretentious, and safe even though its still surrounded by seediness.

and Deuce is the grand pooh-ba of Liberties Walk, drawing the most people thanks to outdoor seating, great drink specials and even better food. we recommend the cheesesteak spring rolls, the kobe beef burger w/fries and the fried PBJ sandwich for dessert...or you can take a look at the menu and order whatever the hell you want: www.deucerestaurant.com

p.s. we also recommend our waitress, who looked exactly like denise richards.

It's like members only jackets, but for feet.

the other day i was talking about tevas, the great feet-stinking water sandals with velcro. my friend had no recognition, and i was that annoying girl saying, "you don't know what tevas are? tevas! you know, tevas! jesus shoes." come on man, tevas are as ubiquitous to the 90's as birks or j crew barn jackets, right? or have i been fooling myself all along into thinking all the cool kids had tevas?

Games monopolize my time.

a certain drumstick-wielding, empty beer bottle-shlepping, adorable-child rearing, cd-creating, world-traveling friend of ours* sends this fun little diversion to so unpretty:

http://monopolyhn.hasbro.com/

be The Donald of american history and decide if silly little monopoly-playing consumers should buy the liberty bell or instead lay claim to the ben franklin parkway. oh yea, there are other cities too, but so unpretty is biased towards the city of brotherly love.


*those in-the-know know him as the infamous inventor of the "666"

How Rude!

i just answered a call on my cell phone and apparently the person calling me was surprised that i answered...weird, right? thats like being surprised that you have to take p**p 14 minutes after eating mcdonald's.

said jerk could not even mask his surprise when he said "...oh, hi! i was going to just leave you a voicemail message..."

sorry to disappoint you; how silly of me to actually answer. next time my phone rings, maybe instead of answering it like a normal person, i'll just curse it out in japanese and throw it into the toilet and flush...ironically, thats the same thing i do 14 minutes after eating mcdonald's...so unpretty!

The red oval is environmental.

delaware has a few claims to fame: it's the first state, it has more chickens than people, there's a lot of cougar-hunting at the beach* and it's home to the famous red oval of dupont. those duponters get a lot of shizah about chemicals in the rivers killing birds and what-not, but they deserve some credit for supporting environmental initiatives, such as the DriveNeutral program.

your vw rabbit or h2 or galant or puts out tons and tons of global warming emissions every year. (alaska is shrinking. you should feel guilty.)

if you're not ready to trade in your '96 civic for a smartcar or hybrid, you can at least neutralize your car's emissions by purchasing a DriveNeutral certification decal. the DriveNeutral people then purchase and retire carbon emissions credits in your name. reducing the number of credits available in effect forces other companies to clean up their acts!

go to www.driveneutral.org to calculate the emissions spewed out by your gas guzzler and get your decal. then everyone will know that you've done your part to help end global warming. and you can sleep better at night. (suck it, gwb.)

*And if by cougar you mean middle-aged lady in the mood for a frat guy...then Delaware is tops!

Modern Day Love Poem

I have been thinking lately about our society's technological advancements and the effects they are having on other aspects of life. We have all read about the decline in normal communication abilities ever since the dawn of email, chat rooms and instant messaging. Most recently, my friends and I talked about the decline of romance and "normal" dating. We are all guilty of texting or IMing instead of calling. Along these lines, I have made up a modern day love poem. Think of it as Shakespeare meets Microsoft. I hope you enjoy!

Oh how I love thee
Let me count the ways…

My heart begins to race with joy
Every time your screen name appears
And when you IM me a smiley face
I know I’ve nothing to fear

When I feel my sidekick vibrate
Sending a chill up my spine
I pray that it is you
Telling me you’ll always be mine

I could spend an entire day
Texting you sweet nothings
Because for the rest of eternity
You’ll be the only one I’m loving

I could lose myself in your deep eyes
It is your feature I most favor
I can look at them anytime
Because they are my screensaver

I’ll never forget
All our memories
They’re saved in my heart
And on dvd

I do not want to pinch myself
For I fear I may be dreaming
To never read another love email
Would make me wake up screaming

I could shout from the rooftop
For all the world to know
Or declare in my blog
That I love you so

Every flower, sunset and mp3
Every morning frost and dove
Takes my breath away
For I’m reminded of our love

Oops, she did it again

in trashy celebrity news that won't have any effect on your life, So Unpretty learned last night from a very credible source (shout out to Pat Benatar) that the pop star, Britney Spears, became pregnant for the second time in her life (Brit doesn't count all of those "close calls" while she was on the Mickey Mouse Club).

so, i guess we here at So Unpretty should be happy for Mr. & Mrs. Spears, right? i mean for the next nine months, you can guarantee that S.U. will write at least one useless post a month about this latest debacle...or at least however frequently DHS will knock on her barn door.

Eat Fresh or Eat Fast?

why does ordering a hoagie have to be so stressful at subway? maybe its just me or the locations i have visited, but never in my life have i experienced such anxiety while ordering fast food. when you are at mcdonald's or burger king, order takers barely even look at you and could give a shit if you take all day while selecting from their menus....but at subway, oh no, its a totally different story.

i suspect that all of their counter people are forced to do blow in the back; i mean, thats the only way i can explain their actions. and i think they are timed on how long it takes them to get you the hell out of line or they are forced to eat their weight in bread.

first, the breadbaker shouts out you to select a bread (there's 63 types)-but immediately following that question, demands to know "6 inch or 12 inch?!" in such a sincerely desperate matter that they convince you this is a life or death decision. (and please get your minds out of the gutter RIGHT NOW!)

next, they want to know what type of meat-and don't try to get away with just saying "an italian" because that means nothing to the meat person; they need you to painstakingly break it down to ham, salami, and pepperoni. the most disturbing aspect of this encounter is when they implore you to "double your meat for an extra fitfy cents?" which is subway's version of "would you like to supersize that?" (again, get your filthy mind out of the gutter!)

moving on, and yes, to yet another person in the unecessarily frantic, overmanned sandwich assembly line, is the cheese person. not only are you asked if you want cheese (what a stupid question-don't we all?) but what kind...and then the condiment person starts screaming at you before you even have a chance to finish making all of your previous choices. you will find this part the most frustrating because they will ask you again and again what else you want on your sandwich and you will say you whole shpeal 4-5 times before its all over.

finally you are at the cashier and you think its over, but its not. he/she will push a meal deal on you and you will give in and then there are more decisions to make: chips or cookie? doritos or lays? baked or regular? they are screaming at you like you're on the final obstacle of double dare and you are just as bad because you are screaming back answers and frantically throwing them your money.

uh! now me thinks that Jarod (the subway mascot) didnt lose all that weight from eating at subway; oh no, he was just doing blow with the boys in the back!

Double bag it.

am I the only freak that thinks it is standard practice to have two bags of quaker instant oatmeal for breakfast? I have recently learned of two strapping young men who only go for the single serving. that doesn't keep me fortified--I need at least two to get me 'til 11:45, when my stomach incessantly growls for lunch. am I an oatmeal piggy?

Rain Rain, Come Again

ah, is there anything better than sleeping in on a rainy saturday morning? this past weekend, i think i heard we got like 20 feet of rain and i enjoyed every drop from the dry safety of my bed.

for some reason, rainy weather makes the following things acceptable:
1. staying in bed until you are too hungry and the pizza crust you had on your nightstand from the day before just isnt satisfying you any longer
2. watching horrible t.v. like "blow out" or "the fabulous life of Brangelina" for 24 consecutive hours-what else is there to do? read?
3. canceling any appointments you've had scheduled for the last six months, no matter how necessary (like the eye-doctors)-this is 2006-no one goes out in rainstorms!
4. ordering food and not cooking (even though your fridge is fully stocked)...who knows, it might be raining in your kitchen...
5. not getting dressed-the t.v. doesnt care if you're in a bra and sweatpants, why should you?

ah, yes, i long for another rainy saturday like the one we just had. until then, damn you bright sun, which motivates me to do something useful with my day off!