Talk Charlie To Me

so, i'm watching a charlie brown christmas special tonight and i just can't get over how disgustingly cute the voice-overs are for this cartoon. every character's tone and diction screams adorable...well, except for peppermint patty, who even as a child sounds like a bull dyke.

you can tell in the old charlie brown specials that the kids who did the voice-overs were just normal, untrained kids; not the little nazi freaks they put in cartoons these days, who talk like they're reading shakespeare and most likely are divorced from their parents and will end up married and in rehab by age 15.

good grief.

Break the Ice Much?

sorry we've been so quiet the last two days. guess i thoroughly slowed our roll :)

well, game on. bloggers, mount up!

thanks.

A Tribute

you won't see this type of thing on such a snarky, but fun-loving blog like "so unpretty" often, but i am a person who believes in giving credit when credit is due.

only a few of us know how "so unpretty" really came to be, and i thought that the time was right to post exactly who this blog is in honor of. (please humor my need to commemorate for just a moment; i promise not to bring everyone down for too long.)

her name was amy and she was many things to me...including my dearest and closest friend. this past thanksgiving day she would have turned 40 years old. even though she only had 39 years of wonderful to give us, the amount of things she taught me i could spend a whole lifetime looking to learn. she was an amazing human being; compassionate, loving, strong and spirited.

she could really work a room too. many of her friends would tell me that when they first met her they would feel two things immediately...they were usually intimidated by her striking beauty and fabulous sense of style, but then after the insecurity would wear off, they were won over by her genuine kindness and openness to making new friends. see, i believe those cheesy stories supermodels always recount on talk shows-you know them...that when they were little, they were ugly ducklings that were isolated from the cool kids and constantly made fun of. that's exactly what had happened to amy. in high school, she was tall and stick-thin..had frizzy, kinky curly black hair, braces, the whole nine yards. she never went to prom, or hung with the cool crowd. those years were hard ones. but once she finished school, she really started to come in to her own.

suddenly, being 5'10" and 130 pounds was more hot than odd. after the braces came off, amy had a smile that could knock a man over where he stood. finally, a hairstylist at a high-end salon in Center City explained to her that she had curly hair (not straight) and convinced her to throw away her hairbrush and taught her how to play her amazing locks up. hard-earned money from a full time job bought her nice clothes that showed off her enviable figure.

...but most importantly, only the outside changed. on the inside, she was the same amy. she never forgot what it had felt like to be teased or worse, ignored. and that's what people cherished most about her.

what did i cherish? her strength. our late-night talks over hot cups of tea. her sneaking me in to clubs when i was only 16. her introducing me to all of her unique and brilliant friends. our shopping sprees and movie nights. so much.

she died on september 30th from brain cancer. the doctors had told her when she was first diagnosed in April 2004 that she had 18 months to live. but, she proved them wrong and fought for nearly two and half years. see, that's when i got to see the fighter in her--the one that had gotten her through the first part of her life that i was not apart of.

i started writing on this blog about eight months ago, when things were really starting to speed down-hill for amy. the name of the blog-which some people swear is from a TLC song (and trust me, i love chasing waterfalls, but alas, its not the source). the title actually comes from an inside joke between amy and me. like i have said, we were very close...and when you are close to someone, you get to see them at times that very few people get to see them...like say for instance, first thing in the morning; before you wash your face, before you brush your teeth and hair, and apply make-up. we joked that while we loved one another very much and wouldnt change a thing about each other, and while we definitely were not ugly, first thing in the morning...we were so unpretty :)

when i told her about the blog, she smiled and nodded. she was very sick by this time, and i'm not sure if she knew what i was talking about...but, part of me realizes now that was not the important part; the important part was that i was able to briefly remind of her of our little, private inside joke.

i love you amy.

How to (Not) Succeed at Business....

Y'all...it's 1:00 on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and my office is a straight-up tomb. I have been reading USA Today for the past few minutes and while venturing to the Life section, I was pleasantly surprised by a new Orbitz game.

Orbitz travel site has pop-up games that have littered the internet landscape for at least 4 years. I remember my father and I discussing these games when I first starting working here.

Well, the geniuses at Orbitz compiled all of the games into one free website: http://www.orbitzgames.com/arcade.aspx

Enjoy. I love you, procrastination. You are my best friend.

CityPaper is funny, in a mean but clever way.

Today's cover story in CityPaper was quite enjoyable. It's not all mushy-gushy about Phila, but it's smart.

It's in full here: http://citypaper.net/articles/2006/11/23/Happy-Hatesgiving

Happy Hatesgiving!
In honor of Turkey Day, help yourself to a heaping helping of things we just can't stand about Philly.
by The City Paper Staff
Published: November 21, 2006

Yeah, we know we're supposed to be giving thanks and counting our blessings and rolling around in leftover cranberry sauce like a Wing Bowl contestant in his own slop. Well, after the City Paper staff did all of the above at a meeting last week, we concluded that we're most thankful for our God-given right to bitch and moan about anything and everything that gets under our bog-fruit-stained skin. Of course, every last staffer may not agree on every last entry, but we'd hate it if there weren't a little dissension over here at Second and Chestnut. So, unbuckle that belt and gorge on 130 things that we just can't stand about this town of ours. —Brian Hickey

People who run up the Rocky steps
People who bike and blade down the Rocky steps
People who write books about the Rocky steps
People who, despite taking Kelly Drive into town each morning, still cut us off because they're in the wrong lane in front of the Rocky steps
The classless degenerates who think it's acceptable to spit on the sidewalk
Douchey scenesters who mill about Rittenhouse Square every weekend preening like peacocks
Independence Mall rent-a-cops who preen as if they're on the front lines of freedom defense
Post-concert bouncers at the TLA who preen as if they're on the front lines of freedom defense
The inability to smoke in a taproom. (But, man, is it fun to hear smokers complaining about the rules for a change.)
Brian Tierney's filthy lies
Constant "breaking-news" updates about the hell that Brian Tierney's filthy lies have wrought at the Inquirer and Daily News
Two daily newspapers, one Web site
John Grogan's dead dog
That people still want to free Mumia
That Beanie = celebrity
What Hall did to Oates. (You know what we're talking about, Daryl.)
That the city tells you it will take one year to assess a dead tree on your sidewalk before it can be scheduled for removal, even though someone set it on fire
Getting tickets for putting the trash out too early
The classless degenerates who rip trashbags open and let the contents spill out onto the sidewalk as if we're throwing away gold bullion
Tired homeless scams. How about some new grifts? Or at least some manners, yo.
Jim Belushi touting Philly. Seriously, ditch him and raise Clifton Davis' profile. Got it? Amen.
Do we really need four hours of Barrymore Awards?
Do we really need assigned seats at the Bridge?
Gaper delays
That they'll never be able to fix the delay-spawning traffic pattern where 76 meets 676
When the radio lands on the Big Talker when we're stuck in traffic because of a gaper delay
Or on 610 during evening drive time, so we're stuck listening to Howard Eskin's moronic bullying
The Chinatown bus to New York: We can deal with the diarrhea scent, but not the attitude that they can treat us like cattle because we only paid $20 for a ride.
On second thought, we can't deal with the diarrhea scent.
Loud people on any bus
SEPTA stations that don't sell tokens
SEPTA stations that sell tokens but don't fix the broken token machines
Inaudible SEPTA station agents
Downtown drivers who tell cyclists to use the sidewalk instead of the street
Downtown cyclists who use the sidewalk instead of the street
Storm drains in bike lanes
Bike lanes in car streets
Starting everything, or replacing any "f," with "ph"
Jennaphr Fredrick
The fucking "e" in Olde City, which should be forever excised considering it's actually Old City
The fucking people in Old City on Friday and Saturday nights who should be forever excised considering they're just sooooo douchey
The player, and the game
Hippies
People who think Liz Spikol works at City Paper. Because she totally doesn't. Believe us, we'd know.
The rotting produce for sale in the Italian Market
Soft hoagie rolls that bend like elastic
Californians who ask where they can get a good burrito. The answer, Spicoli, is nowhere.
That our City Council will consider banning foie gras while Cheez Wiz keeps flowing like sewage
That our City Council has given a proclamation to a sandwich
Chris Wheeler
Chris Webber
That there isn't a Weber's Root Beer drive-in closer than Cherry Hill
Cherry Hill, for turning Garden State Park into a fucking strip mall with condos
Anybody who has, had, or intends to have Benergy
The first person to suggest changing the name of 30th Street Station to Ben Station out loud
Oh, what the hell: Ben Franklin
Steven Singer
Every last thing about Philadelphia International Airport
Every last thing about the casinos that are coming to town except the fact that we'll be able to gamble in them, like, right around the corner from our house so we won't have to worry about hiding $5.50 for tolls
That the Market-Frankford line has no stops between 15th and 30th streets
That every new house in Center City has a garage and a friggin' curb cut
Zoning laws that let developers throw up flimsy houses with fake-brick fronts in historic neighborhoods
That the more water you use, the less the Philadelphia Water Department charges you per cubic foot
Bowling with a dress code
CSX, for still leaving trains full of trash next to Schuylkill River Park
Our lack of benches
Parking in Fairmount after 7 p.m. any night of the week
Driving past a designated Philly Car Share on-street parking spot when we can't find a spot to call our own
That when you leave a jacket in your car in Fairmount overnight, you're guaranteed to have to step over a pile of shattered glass in the morning
That you actuallyhave to go to the Parking Authority to get a parking pass, like we're in some Third World country
The cars that park illegally in our hard-earned, free, conveniently located press spots, forcing us to go to the Parking Authority to fight the tickets we get after we park halfway up the block and they ignore the press sticker in the back window even though there's a note on the front window telling them to look there, but they're so fucking stupid, they never looked there
That the Parking Authority is the most efficient department in the city
That I-95 still isn't underground
The bully elephants who made Dulary cry
That we love the elephants so much that it's only right to set them free
That the guy at our favorite bagel shop is practically sweating blow while making our breakfast
How you'd think there were no Jews in this town considering how hard it is to get your hands on a decent bagel
How, with so many friggin' Italians around, we still can't find great pizza. Seriously, do it for Sicily or something.
The sorry state of the mob
Atrios
Uruk-Hai, and the Flyers' penchant for signing them to long-term deals
We know what an iPod on shuffle sounds like, Mr. Peterman, and neither you nor your BEN FM provide the same experience. So go back to the Himalayas or something.
The woman on Eighth Street who doesn't clean up after her dog
That people won't fix their pit bulls
That people won't fix their kids
That It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia has never gotten an Emmy
That it's not always sunny in Philadelphia
That we got Hack, but Baltimore got The Wire
And that Baltimore politicians came to Philly and exploited our homeless
Mislabeled Regional Rail trains
That SEPTA must have robots somewhere, but doesn't use them right and by the time they do, it'll be too hard to control them since they'll have developed minds, and emotions, of their own
The absurdity of still operating the Ridge Spur
And not being able to make a left turn off Market
That people in Pittsburgh —what would you even call them, Pittsburgers? — think we know they exist
Tom Knudsen's hairless cat, death-ray turret and cold, black heart
Those among us who don't appreciate Milton Street as a beacon of civic pride
The dirty rats who brought Rick Mariano down
People who don't realize that Jimmy Tayoun's Public Recordis a bastion of legitimate journalism
That the outdoor Rizzo Rink has been left in such squalid conditions when it could be, like, a legitimate recreational draw
These cans
What those dirtbags at Villanova tried to do to the Big Five
The incessant rehashing of us having thrown snowballs at Santa
The incessant, misplaced condemnation of the fact that we cheered the end of Michael Irvin's career. Because we did. And we're proud of it to this day.
That the mayoral race will be a racial race. Like how every mayoral race becomes a racial race.
That Frank Keel and Sam Katz haven't gotten in a fistfight. 'Cause we'd watch.
That the revolution will not be televised. 'Cause we'd watch.
The ubiquitousness of Terry Fucking Madonna.
What Oates did to Hall. (You know what we're talking about, John.)
The fuckin' burbs
New Jersey
Jersey bashers
The Haddonfield Bulldogs
The fact that there aren't nearly enough ferries running back to the big city after shows at the Tweeter Center. Not to mention how they cut them off too soon.
Dear LCB, can you please let us buy beer and wine in the same store?
And let us drink after 2 a.m.?
The weed drought before every election
Scott Rolen
Peter Forsberg's mutant ankle
Jeffrey Lurie's smarminess
Dallas Cowboys fans who were born and raised in the Delaware Valley
People from Philly who say the Eagles are their second favorite team. (Hickey: Unless they're sporting the orange and blue of the mighty Denver Broncos.)
That it's been 23 years since we had a championship parade
And our lone champion, Bernard Hopkins, ain't fightin' no more. Except with that Eskin douchebag.
Hip Hop, the Sixers mascot. Seriously, a rabbit? Why on earth would you pick a fucking rabbit? We'd even accept some colonial looking dude with a musket. But not a rabbit.
Real estate agents with soft, slimy handshakes
Port Fishington. GradHo. And the people who call their homes by such contrived names.
That Bob Casey is our hero
That we live in a country where Rick Santorum could actually make a run at the presidency
And, finally, yo mama.
© Philadelphia City Paper

Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls

ALG, thanks for sending. this makes me feel better about the horror that is me first thing in the morning, when I look like a corpse. She wasn't bad looking to start with.

Hey Ya, Charlie Brown!

via Philebrity

Latest Celebrity Trend: Racist, Expletive Rants Caught on Tape

Well, it's only been a few months since Mel Gibson was caught by on tape cursing & spewing ignorance at LAPD while "drunk driving". Mel's excuse at the time was that he was drunk & didn't mean any harm in his anti-Semitic, misogynist rant. He quickly darted off to rehab because, you see, alcohol seems to bring out the racist in all of us. Thoughts that we would never verbalize when we're sober. It wasn't until his public embarrasment that he realized that he's an alcoholic.

Just over the weekend another celeb has found himself embroiled in a similar debacle. After the pixie dust has settled after Tom & Katie's wedding, news & video broke of Michael Richards ( a.k.a Kramer) flipping out on a few African American hecklers at a comedy club in LA. Once again, tmz.com was able to supply the video. In addition to being an idiot, Richards proved that he isn't funny because he lacks what every comedian needs: timing. Michael Richard's stand up meltdown occurred the weekend prior to a Season 7 Seinfeld dvd being released. I am a huge Seinfeld fan. This weekend, when I saw the commercials, I was thinking about buying the dvd even though I could probably catch about 3 or 4 episodes on any given night between Fox & TBS. Even with this knowledge, I feel that I need to own the dvd for the episodes that they don't air when I want to watch them. However, this incident has tainted the way I view the show and Jerry Seinfeld.

Last night, Jerry Seinfeld started doing the rounds on various shows to promote the latest dvd. While he just happened to be on the Dave Letterman show, Michael Richards coincidentally enough was live via satellite to apologize. He said that he's not racist & he just lost it. Jerry came to Michael's defense & said that the whole incident was a "mistake". Which begs the question, which part is a "mistake"? Showing one's true colors & it was caught on tape or the statements? In this instance, poor Michael doesn't have alcohol to blame his previously unbeknownst to him racist side on.

Whatever the vice is...Anger, Alcohol...that brings out someone's true personality... Ignorance... is So Unpretty.

I Need a Hero

does anyone watch "Heroes"?

i do and i don't (more don't then do). one thing i can't stop hearing in commercial after commercial for the NBC show is "save the cheerleader, save the world". and now it's stuck in my psyche...much like the Sally Field line in Steel Magnolias: "drink the juice, Shelby, drink the juice!"

but, back to the point..."save the cheerleader, save the world"...it just cracks me up for some reason. shouldnt it be "kill the cheerleader, save the world"?

Give Me This! (Great X-Mas Gift Idea #1)

amy sedaris is one of the funniest women alive and this book is a riot. she is the freaky genius behind Comedy Central's "Strangers With Candy", which also is being made into a movie.

this book is by no means your conventional guide to entertaining...here's a sample recipe:

Paul’s Zucchini Fritters

"I don’t use a measuring cup when I make Zucchini fritters although I probably should. I suppose I like the crap-shoot quality of cooking without specific measurements. It’s exciting. Although, there is some safe ground, because whenever a recipe calls for breading and then frying in olive oil, it’s hard to go wrong. Here is basically what you're going to need:

One zucchini
Garlic, sliced
1 onion, chopped
One-quarter pound of feta cheese
1-3 eggs
More flour than you think you'd ever use
Salt and pepper
A little parsley, chopped

The first step is to grate the zucchini, and then place in a strainer. It’s important to get as much water out of the shredded vegetable as possible. It helps to salt it and then place a heavy lid on top it and press down. When you think you’ve got all the water out keep pressing, because I can tell you, you haven’t. Meanwhile, in another bowl mix flower, egg, or eggs, salt and pepper, a onion, chopped and garlic. Your goal here is make a light batter. Add more flower if it seems watery, or another egg if it’s not binding. Place the drained zucchini into the batter and mix with your hands. You are really going to have to get in there. Coat the bottom of a frying pan in olive oil. Heat it up. For best results, make sure your pan is good and hot before adding fritters. Scoop a fist full of mixture from the bowl and shape into a small patty and place in skillet. Makes about 20 to 40 fritters. No one can really say for sure."

Boneless Wonder

i absolutely love boneless buffalo wings from applebees. but, this past friday night, as i ate them, i had one of those moments where you acknowledge to yourself that you really arent sure what it is exactly that you're consuming. (scrapple eaters NEVER have these moments, because if they did, they would likely cut their tongues off).

anyway, i had that moment and now, i need to know.

a. where does the meat come from
b. is it really a de-boned buffalo wing
c. what is the inch-think gushy stuff piled around the meat

until i find satisfactory answers to all three of these questions, i'm afraid i'm gonna have to do without...but wait, who am i kidding? in two weeks i'll forget why i'm boycotting them and just say fuck it and dive in.

Kevin "Just Call Me Shakespeare" Federline does it again

oh, Kevy, Kevy, Kevy. Tagging a shower door with this affectionate little haiku really says "class"...you're right up there with George Clooney and Cary Grant, man.

now, Bitch, give him his kids!

This weekend: Do Not Turn on the Television

Well, we're less than 24 hours away from the Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes wedding. This much hyped & anticipated by only entertainment news shows wedding will be Tom's 3rd, Katie's 1 1/2.

We've already heard in painstaking detail the guest list ( interesting, of all the A-list guests, did anyone hear whether or not Katie's parents were invited?) & Katie's new lingerie trousseau(ick).

So, since this is the last weekend before Thanksgiving & traditionally a slow news weekend, expect every news outlet to be fawning over the details of Tom & Katie's wedding in Italy. I feel awful that a beautiful country is being defiled by these idiots whose divorce proceedings are going to last longer than the marriage, but I'm happy that at least it's not happening at home.

Also, I won't have to spend my Thanksgiving depressed like I did last year when news broke that Nick & Jessica broke up. I know, I'm way too obsessed...

Tom & Katie... So Unpretty

And in other cat (?) news...

... I'm completely freaked out. I know Hybrids are popular, but this?

Here I am.

Hello,
My name is Ruby. I am ten weeks old and I just got adopted last night by a kick-ass new mom, Beanorama. My old mom was a full-bred Persian, but she was a little bit slutty and did it with my absentee Dad. So, I’m a sweet, long-haired half breed Persian and I am all black and so soft. I smell a-some too.

Can you believe it—I am already litter-trained! (But at 6 a.m. this morning I stepped in my poop, then climbed into bed with my new Mom, causing her to pull off the sheets and scour the floor with cleanser—oops. Oh well, I am just a baby. I’ll learn.)

I just wanted to say hi. I’m looking forward to exploring my huge new studio apartment and breaking stuff.
Peace.
RvOB

PS: I’m much cuter than I appear in pictures.

Stephen Colbert, George W Bush's Words

OK, Blue States, let's go.

Thanks to Smedelicious: http://smedelicious.blogspot.com/

The If Game

O.J. Simpson will stun the nation once again. This time he left his white Bronco and snug gloves at home. In his infinite public relations wisdom, he decided to write a book called “If I Did It.” Yes, it is what you think. He will detail how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman…if he had done it. I guess he figures it is ok to flirt with the fantasy of the crime as long as he maintains his innocence. His book will be preceded by a two-part special on Fox entitled – deep breath – “O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened.” I don’t think there is anything I can write that will top that.

Oh, Gov...We Love Ya' Even Though Your Son is So Unpretty

The price of victory.

By Angela Couloumbis
Inquirer Staff Writer

Gov. Rendell's landslide victory over Republican Lynn Swann on Tuesday could end up costing him thousands of dollars - literally.

The governor admitted yesterday that in a moment of weakness in February, he made a bet with his 26-year-old son, Jesse, while they were at the Philadelphia International Auto Show. Jesse Rendell said his father would win the election with more than 60 percent of the vote. Gov. Rendell said no way.

In front of them was "this beautiful teal Aston Martin convertible," Rendell said, so he took a gamble: if his son were right, he'd buy him the sleek British sports car.

Yesterday afternoon, with 99 percent of precincts reporting, the governor had 2,414,541 votes - or 60 percent.

Oops.

A 2006 Aston Martin V8 Vantage sports car retails at $110,000, according to the automotive Web site edmunds.com.

Rendell said yesterday that he would somehow have to make good on his promise - although he joked that he never said what year Aston he'd buy.

His wife, Midge - U.S. Third Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Marjorie O.
Rendell - is currently negotiating a compromise.

Maneater-Nelly furtado

ok, i love this song. it definitely replaced JT's Sexy Back in my fickle heart. however, the opening of the music video for this song is so fucking weird its hysterical.

whoever pitched the plot for this video to nelly had to be a friggin moron. and she must be one as well for saying "yeah, sure. let's open it with me searching for my dog, Toby." because that makes the most sense for song titled "Maneater".

I Love Ya, Rach, But Geez...

ok, so i used to love rachel ray. like, loved her before oprah; loved her before all of her 15,000 cookbooks were published; loved her before she became the face of such brands like Ritz Crackers, yada yada yada. mostly, i loved her goofy banter, old fashioned kitchen appliances and her nonchalant way of convincing even retards like myself that it was possible to cook a whole meal in 30 minutes.

but, i have fallen off the rachel wagon. it's been awhile since i tuned in. mostly because i was sorta over her (overexposure rearing its ugly head, i guess).

however, i did happen to catch tonight's episode and i must say, she still has the ability to amaze me. she cooked an entire thanksgiving meal for eight in 60 minutes. how is this woman human? i think maybe she's not. or maybe its drugs...yeah, more likely drugs. she once admitted in an interview that she sleeps only four hours a night. apparently, she loves E.V.O.O.(extra virgin olive oil) as well as methamphetamines.