It's in full here: http://citypaper.net/articles/2006/11/23/Happy-Hatesgiving
Happy Hatesgiving!
In honor of Turkey Day, help yourself to a heaping helping of things we just can't stand about Philly.
by The City Paper Staff
Published: November 21, 2006
Yeah, we know we're supposed to be giving thanks and counting our blessings and rolling around in leftover cranberry sauce like a Wing Bowl contestant in his own slop. Well, after the City Paper staff did all of the above at a meeting last week, we concluded that we're most thankful for our God-given right to bitch and moan about anything and everything that gets under our bog-fruit-stained skin. Of course, every last staffer may not agree on every last entry, but we'd hate it if there weren't a little dissension over here at Second and Chestnut. So, unbuckle that belt and gorge on 130 things that we just can't stand about this town of ours. —Brian Hickey
People who run up the Rocky steps
People who bike and blade down the Rocky steps
People who write books about the Rocky steps
People who, despite taking Kelly Drive into town each morning, still cut us off because they're in the wrong lane in front of the Rocky steps
The classless degenerates who think it's acceptable to spit on the sidewalk
Douchey scenesters who mill about Rittenhouse Square every weekend preening like peacocks
Independence Mall rent-a-cops who preen as if they're on the front lines of freedom defense
Post-concert bouncers at the TLA who preen as if they're on the front lines of freedom defense
The inability to smoke in a taproom. (But, man, is it fun to hear smokers complaining about the rules for a change.)
Brian Tierney's filthy lies
Constant "breaking-news" updates about the hell that Brian Tierney's filthy lies have wrought at the Inquirer and Daily News
Two daily newspapers, one Web site
John Grogan's dead dog
That people still want to free Mumia
That Beanie = celebrity
What Hall did to Oates. (You know what we're talking about, Daryl.)
That the city tells you it will take one year to assess a dead tree on your sidewalk before it can be scheduled for removal, even though someone set it on fire
Getting tickets for putting the trash out too early
The classless degenerates who rip trashbags open and let the contents spill out onto the sidewalk as if we're throwing away gold bullion
Tired homeless scams. How about some new grifts? Or at least some manners, yo.
Jim Belushi touting Philly. Seriously, ditch him and raise Clifton Davis' profile. Got it? Amen.
Do we really need four hours of Barrymore Awards?
Do we really need assigned seats at the Bridge?
Gaper delays
That they'll never be able to fix the delay-spawning traffic pattern where 76 meets 676
When the radio lands on the Big Talker when we're stuck in traffic because of a gaper delay
Or on 610 during evening drive time, so we're stuck listening to Howard Eskin's moronic bullying
The Chinatown bus to New York: We can deal with the diarrhea scent, but not the attitude that they can treat us like cattle because we only paid $20 for a ride.
On second thought, we can't deal with the diarrhea scent.
Loud people on any bus
SEPTA stations that don't sell tokens
SEPTA stations that sell tokens but don't fix the broken token machines
Inaudible SEPTA station agents
Downtown drivers who tell cyclists to use the sidewalk instead of the street
Downtown cyclists who use the sidewalk instead of the street
Storm drains in bike lanes
Bike lanes in car streets
Starting everything, or replacing any "f," with "ph"
Jennaphr Fredrick
The fucking "e" in Olde City, which should be forever excised considering it's actually Old City
The fucking people in Old City on Friday and Saturday nights who should be forever excised considering they're just sooooo douchey
The player, and the game
Hippies
People who think Liz Spikol works at City Paper. Because she totally doesn't. Believe us, we'd know.
The rotting produce for sale in the Italian Market
Soft hoagie rolls that bend like elastic
Californians who ask where they can get a good burrito. The answer, Spicoli, is nowhere.
That our City Council will consider banning foie gras while Cheez Wiz keeps flowing like sewage
That our City Council has given a proclamation to a sandwich
Chris Wheeler
Chris Webber
That there isn't a Weber's Root Beer drive-in closer than Cherry Hill
Cherry Hill, for turning Garden State Park into a fucking strip mall with condos
Anybody who has, had, or intends to have Benergy
The first person to suggest changing the name of 30th Street Station to Ben Station out loud
Oh, what the hell: Ben Franklin
Steven Singer
Every last thing about Philadelphia International Airport
Every last thing about the casinos that are coming to town except the fact that we'll be able to gamble in them, like, right around the corner from our house so we won't have to worry about hiding $5.50 for tolls
That the Market-Frankford line has no stops between 15th and 30th streets
That every new house in Center City has a garage and a friggin' curb cut
Zoning laws that let developers throw up flimsy houses with fake-brick fronts in historic neighborhoods
That the more water you use, the less the Philadelphia Water Department charges you per cubic foot
Bowling with a dress code
CSX, for still leaving trains full of trash next to Schuylkill River Park
Our lack of benches
Parking in Fairmount after 7 p.m. any night of the week
Driving past a designated Philly Car Share on-street parking spot when we can't find a spot to call our own
That when you leave a jacket in your car in Fairmount overnight, you're guaranteed to have to step over a pile of shattered glass in the morning
That you actuallyhave to go to the Parking Authority to get a parking pass, like we're in some Third World country
The cars that park illegally in our hard-earned, free, conveniently located press spots, forcing us to go to the Parking Authority to fight the tickets we get after we park halfway up the block and they ignore the press sticker in the back window even though there's a note on the front window telling them to look there, but they're so fucking stupid, they never looked there
That the Parking Authority is the most efficient department in the city
That I-95 still isn't underground
The bully elephants who made Dulary cry
That we love the elephants so much that it's only right to set them free
That the guy at our favorite bagel shop is practically sweating blow while making our breakfast
How you'd think there were no Jews in this town considering how hard it is to get your hands on a decent bagel
How, with so many friggin' Italians around, we still can't find great pizza. Seriously, do it for Sicily or something.
The sorry state of the mob
Atrios
Uruk-Hai, and the Flyers' penchant for signing them to long-term deals
We know what an iPod on shuffle sounds like, Mr. Peterman, and neither you nor your BEN FM provide the same experience. So go back to the Himalayas or something.
The woman on Eighth Street who doesn't clean up after her dog
That people won't fix their pit bulls
That people won't fix their kids
That It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia has never gotten an Emmy
That it's not always sunny in Philadelphia
That we got Hack, but Baltimore got The Wire
And that Baltimore politicians came to Philly and exploited our homeless
Mislabeled Regional Rail trains
That SEPTA must have robots somewhere, but doesn't use them right and by the time they do, it'll be too hard to control them since they'll have developed minds, and emotions, of their own
The absurdity of still operating the Ridge Spur
And not being able to make a left turn off Market
That people in Pittsburgh —what would you even call them, Pittsburgers? — think we know they exist
Tom Knudsen's hairless cat, death-ray turret and cold, black heart
Those among us who don't appreciate Milton Street as a beacon of civic pride
The dirty rats who brought Rick Mariano down
People who don't realize that Jimmy Tayoun's Public Recordis a bastion of legitimate journalism
That the outdoor Rizzo Rink has been left in such squalid conditions when it could be, like, a legitimate recreational draw
These cans
What those dirtbags at Villanova tried to do to the Big Five
The incessant rehashing of us having thrown snowballs at Santa
The incessant, misplaced condemnation of the fact that we cheered the end of Michael Irvin's career. Because we did. And we're proud of it to this day.
That the mayoral race will be a racial race. Like how every mayoral race becomes a racial race.
That Frank Keel and Sam Katz haven't gotten in a fistfight. 'Cause we'd watch.
That the revolution will not be televised. 'Cause we'd watch.
The ubiquitousness of Terry Fucking Madonna.
What Oates did to Hall. (You know what we're talking about, John.)
The fuckin' burbs
New Jersey
Jersey bashers
The Haddonfield Bulldogs
The fact that there aren't nearly enough ferries running back to the big city after shows at the Tweeter Center. Not to mention how they cut them off too soon.
Dear LCB, can you please let us buy beer and wine in the same store?
And let us drink after 2 a.m.?
The weed drought before every election
Scott Rolen
Peter Forsberg's mutant ankle
Jeffrey Lurie's smarminess
Dallas Cowboys fans who were born and raised in the Delaware Valley
People from Philly who say the Eagles are their second favorite team. (Hickey: Unless they're sporting the orange and blue of the mighty Denver Broncos.)
That it's been 23 years since we had a championship parade
And our lone champion, Bernard Hopkins, ain't fightin' no more. Except with that Eskin douchebag.
Hip Hop, the Sixers mascot. Seriously, a rabbit? Why on earth would you pick a fucking rabbit? We'd even accept some colonial looking dude with a musket. But not a rabbit.
Real estate agents with soft, slimy handshakes
Port Fishington. GradHo. And the people who call their homes by such contrived names.
That Bob Casey is our hero
That we live in a country where Rick Santorum could actually make a run at the presidency
And, finally, yo mama.
© Philadelphia City Paper
5 comments:
That was one helluva list.
Personal favorites:
Do we really need assigned seats at the Bridge?
SEPTA stations that don't sell tokens
Chris Webber
That the Market-Frankford line has no stops between 15th and 30th streets
And not being able to make a left turn off Market
Dear LCB, can you please let us buy beer and wine in the same store?
And let us drink after 2 a.m.?
That it's been 23 years since we had a championship parade
Just to add one more to the list: Drunken a--holes that feel as if being able to spell E-A-G-L-E-S is a personal accomplishment.
"Anybody who has, had, or intends to have Benergy."
Ouch.
thank god they didnt say "those hoity toity bitches at so unpretty"
...whew (wipes sweat from brow)
I can't stand this: "The classless degenerates who think it's acceptable to spit on the sidewalk." So unpretty.
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