Adventures in Suburbia, Part 1: I declare war on all squirrels in the Delco area

Ok, a few days ago I diligently planted about 40-50 tulip bulbs in the garden wall on the side of my house. With fall quickly fading & the inevitable approach of winter moving in, the thought of bright, colorful tulips in the spring will get me through the barrenness of winter.

Well, not soon after I planted these bulbs & was still taking Advil by the fistful to help me recover from all of the digging, did I see a fat, little squirrel outside of my kitchen window nibbling on what I instantly recognized as one of my Big Smile bulbs, one of the best & top quality yellow tulip bulbs. That dumb squirrel must have thought that it caught the nut of lifetime, given the size of it. I was furious. I didn't mind during the summer when the squirrels would dig through my pots on my front porch. At least then I could just smooth the soil back over to cover the plants again. But I've finally reached my breaking point with those fuzzy rats. I can only imagine how many more of my bulbs have or will succumb to the same fate. I'm fearful that I won't have any tulips at all to cheer me up in March & April. I didn't work my ass off to have some dumb squirrel ruin it.

That's when I decided death to all squirrels in Delaware County. I instantly began researching squirrel/bulb solutions from squirrel traps to BB guns to poison. I, like most people, abide by the unwritten agreement that we have with squirrels, which is to carefully drive around them when we see them in the road or to not chase them off our property. Not anymore. If I see a squirrel running across the street, I will now do my damnedest to run it over with the hopes that I either a) get the son of a bitch squirrel that's taken my tulips or b) send a message to that squirrel's friends that Miz Cynical is coming after him. I will have tulips come spring or else.

Bring it, bitch.