Ruby is gross.

As you might know, my cat is pretty much the best and the brightest that ever was made. No doubt about it: she is beauteous. However, she does have dreadlocks on her back.

I know going forward I just have to actually groom or brush her, but until I get to that preventative state I have to deal with about 5 chunks of dreads. What should I do? Advice please.

In the wise words of a woman many Unpretty writers know: "tanks, mon."

Best part of Freaks and Geeks.

James Franco is a beautiful specimen and the most enjoyable part of watching Freaks and Geeks. Also, he's like the Jordan Catalano of McKinley High. And what girl born in 1980 doesn't have a thing for that illiterate brooder?

Chicken cutlets... for your chest.

The Beanorama sisters always tend to get a little cranky when having to dress up. We've just never done so well with all the accotrement of formalwear: the jewelry, the up-'dos, the heels, the ill-fitting dresses, the strapless bras. I especially hate strapless bras as I think they flatten a girl out.

But now that I just finished my fourth stint as a bridesmaid, I have made a most excellent discovery: breast forms, aka chicken cutlets! These things stick to your boobies, look natural, and don't move an inch! They are perfect when the dress fabric is too thin for going commando.

I borrowed a set of chicken cutlets from a gal at work... and she said I could keep'em! Yea!

They make your boobs look like eggs, or like the models in the Victoria's Secret catalogue who have airbrushed nipples, so beware if entering into a time of romance. But otherwise, they are a great find.

Return of the Old Man.

For a few months now I've been powering through all six Star Wars movies. I am finally on Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (the third movie created but the chronological last in the series). I am so over it that I have read newsweek and I am now blogging during the viewing.

Anyway, Carrie Fischer is as skinny as a rail (probably because she was blowing rails all movie long). And Luke looks terrible... like he's chronically ill.

Geeks of the world, I apologize, but this movie stinkaroos.

Don't Panic - only 30 days 'til summer!

If you're like me & trying to fit nicely into a swimsuit come summertime, then try not to panic. If you already look bikini-ready, then go to hell. My gym keeps a daily posting of a countdown to the official start of the summer. As if I needed a reminder as I'm huffing & puffing my way through a workout on the elliptical.

Harrumph!

My Mother: In a Nutshell

I returned from a meeting in another building and the receptionist informed me that my mother had dropped off a package for me. Excited and confused, he handed over a Talbots bag containing: a pair of Spanx, a Lilly Pulitzer sundress (hand-me-down) and a cold Coke Zero.

She is hilarious.

And I adore her.

OMG, I'm actually excited about the new 90210... Booo Yowwww!!!

Song to Get You Through This Rainy Friday

blackkidsmusic.com
they are awesome.

2nd Birthday Party Canceled :(

Sorry, ya'll, but the par-tay has to be canceled. however, if you are joing us for Book Club on sunday, we shall celebrate then!

Last one.

OK! Last picture! Hoorah!

This one is a thank you to all my homies who donated money. It was stressful beyond belief having to deal with that much money ($1400) down there, believe me. Nothing costs that much. And ATMs only would give me $200 to $400 at most each day... and they were most unreliable. Banks had long lines (no online banking) and I was scurred carrying cash around.

But finally, with a little help from an international calling card, my mother, and Western Union, I got the cash out and we could bring it to the (vetted!) construction company. (Jumping across a muddy stream with $1,700,000 Tanzanian shillings in 10,000 denominations was fun, I tell you.)

So, together, we built a kitchen at the orphanage! This way, when it rains they get to eat. And the oldest son gets his room back (it had previously been used as storage and the son was sleeping at relatives'.)

This is Mr. Massawe, who runs the orphanage, celebrating the first day of building.

They told me that because of this kitchen, Jesus would bring me a good husband.

Almost done.

Seriously, I know you guys aren't really into these pictures from my trip, but that's ok, I feel like I have to do this little exercise then move on.

Anyway, here are the kiddos with a cup of bland, non-nutritious porridge for lunch. And a special treat: bananas! 30 bananas cost less than $3.

The girl in the fuzzy pink was a beautiful, smart lil whippersnapper. She was mischievous and had a penchant for folding clothes.

The gal in the blue and white striped sweatshirt took a while to catch my attention. But once she did I was amazed by how smart she was. She knew all the animals--even kangaroo.

The boy in the blue Reebok sweater was so sad. He has a scabby ear and a sad face. I spent about 15 minutes trying to get him to write the word "five." He could NOT write the V. He kept doing it upside down.

Is Underage Drinking & Driving Only Frowned Upon During Prom Season?

On my commute to work, I've noticed that two high schools have the typical "scared straight" drunk driving/totaled cars situated in the front of the school. This lead me to think - is underage drunk driving only frowned upon during prom season? Why does there seem to be so much emphasis put on this single night? Are schools implying that if this were to happen during other parts of the school year, it would be ok? Shouldn't the expectation be that kids aren't supposed to drink anyway? Nor should they be driving drunk? Hell, if there was ever a night in teenage years to suffer from an untimely death, it may be prom night. Think of all the things that may have happened by then and/or that night:

1) Probably lost your "v"card.
2) You've experienced what it's like to be drunk, however, you clearly haven't learned what your limit is.
3) You've gotten accepted into college, but you have yet to carry the burden of worrying about your future, a career, pulling all-nighters & student loan repayment.
4) Finally, this is probably the most dressed up you've ever been & even if you're wrapped around a tree, at least you'll look great.

So, for all of those high schoolers out there contemplating getting behind the wheel while drunk, I say go for it. You've clearly demonstrated that you're adult enough to accomplish the other things ahead of you.

The Stupid Thing That Sherri Shepherd Did ( fairly recently)

I apologize that I haven't been quite as on top of my game when it comes to posting stupid Sherri Shepherd antics. This latest clip is of Sherri doing typical Sherri stuff. As she's simulating a BJ keep in mind that she's somenone's mother. One of these days, when she gets bounced like Star Jones, her kid can look back fondly on his mother's fame :).

The weekend I thought I might die.

Getting stuck at the foot of a smoking, active volcano was creepy. Having sunburn, 15 people, and little water was creepy. Not seeing another car, person, road, or cell phone service for four hours was creepy. Having the jack almost break the driver's leg was creepy. My friend Carmel's swollen toes was creepy. Lifting up rocks to put under the car and finding scorpions was creepy. But the worst part was when our last remaining jeep was speeding and sliding around and turning corners on two wheels, then stalled and almost rolled off a cliff. Not a joke.

That was the scariest part of safari.

The top of Kili!

On my second-to-last-day the clouds cleared and I finally saw the top of Mount Kilimanjaro, affectionately known as Kili. Kili is the highest point in Africa.

Tudor-riffic!

okay, i may write too often about my fave shows, but i can't help it! when i love something, you are the first to know it! what can i say...i'm an open book...book...SHIT! book club meets in less than a week and i still haven't read the book!

anyway...

showtimes series, The Tudors, is simply soap-opera-sensational. it's definitely all my children (best soap ever) set in the middle ages. so many hotties too! i just don't want it to ever end. i hope that this season is not the last, however, annie b.'s time is drawing to a close, and i can't help but wonder if the series will cut off once her head is...well, cut off.

i do hope their majesties will here thy cry and grant me the privilege of another season. of course, only if it pleases thee!

Speaking of...

me, mo cheeks and flip flop girl were just talking about this hot mess. Michelle Duggar, is now preggers with her 18th child.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17...yep, 18.

hey michelle, happy mother's day, you wack job.

The class.

These are the little kids I taught. They were orphans, ages 3-8, so you can imagine that most of the kids were either completely confused by the material, or totally bored, but we tried to strike a good balance. Some knew a lot of English.

Every morning they would say:
"Good morning teacher!" (pronounced teachah)
"I am fine, thank you, teacher!"
"I am (x) years old!"
"My name is (x)."

They would hit each other, ride each other like horses, eat erasers, eat pencil lead, eat dirt, eat stickers, wipe snot all over. And they were just adorable. They LOVED to come write in chalk on the board. Dennis was 8, and he could do math in the teens. There was Fatuma and Beatrice, Iddy and Sia. The girls and the boys looked exactly the same, except the girls wore skirts. They had shaved heads. They were super beautiful. They loved education and were so respectful. They caused a near riot when I handed out stickers.

It makes me so sad that they won't get quality education (or nutrition, or parental love) the rest of their lives.

Los elefants.

We saw the elephants way up close, but there was something about this trunk-to-tails shot that I love. These guys are truly magnificent. It makes me so happy that they exist in large numbers. They are like dinosaurs.

The Maasai.

I love the Maasai. They are a peaceful, gentle tribe. They are polygamous, women are public property, they leave their dead in the open for hyenas, and they sometimes drink cow blood (as I have mentioned) but I still think they are gentle and kind. Some are very familiar with mzungus ( like Zac) and some (like the above) rarely see mzungus. We threw these kids some cookies (or, "biscuits" in the UK) and they went nuts. And we had hours of good camera fun with the man and the woman. They were so rural that they only spoke Maasai, not Swahili, at all. They commented on my (fake) pearl earrings, they wanted money for taking their photo, and then a 13 year old girl showed up with a baby on her back. When the baby saw white people, he was scared shitless, poor thing.

It's So Unpretty's 2nd Birthday and You're Invited

come by Bar Ferdinand next Wednesday, May 14th for a drink or two and join us bloggers and readers as we celebrate So Unpretty's second year of wonderful.

and, if we're lucky, you'll get really, really drunk, cause a scene, and give us something to blog about the next day :)

Bar Ferdinand
2nd Street, Northern Liberties
6:00 p.m.-??

see you there!

p.s. there are three s.u. bloggers pictured in this shot, which really happened at Bar Ferdinand...weird!

Zac.

Aw, Zac. Easily my favorite new friend. He is 24, from the polygamous Maasai tribe (nomadic herdsmen who live in small houses made of dung, and occasionally drink cows blood, and are the most gentle people ever). Zac is a modern dude. He even has a facebook account. He's 24, speaks awesome English, and was the watchman.

I gave him a Phillies hat.

(PS look how short my bangs are!! Terrible.)

I'm back. And more awesome than ever.

As some of you may have heard, I am back from Tanzania in East Africa. It was such a cool experience that I thought I might share some of my favorite pictures with you, my faithful Unpretty readers. (That means you, man from Sem-Sem's party, who said you read this crap!)

I'll start off with a little off-colour (that's on purpose-- I've spent a lot of time with UK peeps so I am going to throw in the British English) photo. Who doesn't love Baboon sex? This was the first animal we saw up close on the safari. They were ALL around the jeep. The girls' butts were gross!

Looney, But Cute

You can't break my heart.
It's liquid.
You melted it when I met you.

-Flight of the Concords

went to their show tonight at the Tower and it was great. and surprisingly, sold out. their new zealand accents are out of control hot and they are staying at the sofitel. so close. no wonder i felt a certain animal magnetism around me all day.

Add this to your Netflix: Fur (An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus)

if you liked "Pollack" or "Basquiat" you'll love this movie. it is about the early years of famous photographer, Diane Arbus. Nicole Kidman does an excellent job as the lead, and Robert Downey, Jr. is brilliant as per usual.

this really inspired me to learn more about arbus and i was saddened and sort of surprised how things ended for her in real life. i don't want to say too much, because i hope someone reads this, wants to see the movie, and then discover it for themselves.

but take me on my word-it's worth it.

Newest Musical Obsession: Joan as Police Woman

Listen to each of these two tracks and I think you'll see why. The whole album is amazing...And that bone structure!?

Jesus wept.

"Eternal Flame" - certainly the most catchy tune on the album...


"Real Life" - one of the most beautiful ballads I've ever heard...

A funny thing happened on the way to the Derby...

While pondering the seriousness of the "no hat, no admittance" rule of the Kentucky Derby party I was heading to, I heard a noise across the street and saw a Gatorade bottle rolling in the middle of the street. Before I could piece together what happened, tghe man in front of me said to another man, "Excuse me. Are you going to pick that up? Pick up the bottle you just threw against that house." Embarrased, the man walked over and picked up the bottle. As soon as The Enforcer turned down a side street, I heard The Jerk throw the bottle again. The sad part of this story is that The Jerk was with his son (about six years old), who learned that his dad is a douche. Poor kid.

And somwhere, a mayor cries.

The Agony of Victory

I usually don't enjoy watching horse races because of the inherent cruelty to animals. But, I played along when I was at a Kentucky Derby party on Saturday. I was secretly routing for the one and only filly in the race, Eight Belles, and was so happy when she placed (horse talk for coming in second place). Then, my heart broke when I heard that she was euthanized right after the race. Apparently she collapsed and broke two of her legs after finishing. So sad. Bye Eight Belles.

My New Thing

The new thing I am obsessed with: exfoliating. I bought St. Ives Apricot Scrub yesterday and have used it two nights in a row. Afterwards I keep feeling my smooth skin and randomly look in the mirror to see if I can notice a difference. I hope this sticks, unlike my bout with at-home full pedicure treatments. I don't like pumicing.

Living alone is interesting.

I Guess I'll Go to Dunkin' Donuts Tomorrow....(Kicks Dirt)

So...the Wawa at 20th and Chestnut will close at noon today. I am absolutely so sad. When the luxurious Wawa at 20th and Locust closed, I was sad, but not as sad as I am now. My boyfriend and I live directly across the street and Wawa has become such a part of our weekend and morning routine. Where the eff are we going to get sandos MADE TO ORDER before our treks to the five million weddings we have? Where am I going to get coffee before my commute to Wilmington every day? Who is going to laugh at us when we go in there and spend 45 dollars on crap?

I want to take a moment and thank Solomon (the most miserable manager alive) and his crew for aiding me through hangovers, caffeine fixes and pita chips. You will be missed.

And I seriously hope Light Eyes* can find a new home, too.

*Light Eyes stands outside of Wawa and holds the door for patrons. He never asks for money and seems surprised when you put some in the cup he is holding. He is awesome.

Rudy Huxtable will be playing a hooker named Candy in "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail".

Oh, what would Dr. Huxtable think?

My Celebrity Girl Crush Was Only A Heartbeat Away And I Didn't Even Know It

wtf! why do i find this shit out after the fact?! Chloe Sevigny was at Johnny Brenda's last friday night! chloe. in f-town. blows my mind sorta. i hope she liked it enough to come back, because i will now be stalking every hipster bar in philly.

side note: i guess the dude who's pocket she's penetrating with her hand is her beau. i wonder if they were whispering about the girl in the clown outfit in front of them?

Gross/Funny/Surprisingly Catchy

Yummers.

Last night after an incredibly taxing softball game where I played my heart out (not true, I read the J.Crew catalog), we went to Cherry Street Tavern for a post-game beer and food.

And that, my friends, is where I fell in love with a sandwich. That's right. A sandwich. Their turkey special sando was unreal. Fresh turkey, NO cheese, cole slaw and Russian dressing on marble bread.

Yes, I will have to do double work-outs today to compensate, but it was awesome.

Cole slaw is among the loves of my life.

(This picture is of the corned beef special. I ate the turkey sandwich too quicky for Wolfie to take a picture of it.)

Happy Earth Day!

Pick up some trash. Plant a tree. Bike to work (unless you work with me).

Happy Earth Day!

Big Love? Big Difference.

okay, you all know i love HBO. well, of course, i am a fan of the series, Big Love, which is a well written HBO series about a polygamist morman family consisting of one husband, three wives and seven kids. its such a good show for many reasons, one of which, it stars one of my girl crushes, chloe sevigny, who plays second wife, Nicki.

but, with the recent polygamist raid in west texas, i couldnt help but be struck by the obvi diff in what these people really look like. let me tell you, i've yet to see a jennifer goodwin or chloe sevigny in the bunch.

Depressing Poll of the Week

according to a self.com poll, when asked "What are you most competitive about with pals?" women said:

53% Weight

21% Career

15% Men

11% Money

so...we are more than two times likely to feel better about ourselves if we are a size zero instead of adding zeroes to our paycheck, which is a good thing i guess since we don't care about having a financial stability as much as we care about who will be our baby daddy.

great, thanks.

The Hillzzzzzz

i know i'm a bit behind, but i just watched the first episode of the newest season of the hills. my grade: C-

i admit, i'm glad the girls are back, but they are mere shadows of their formers selves. actually, even their shadows lost weight and had work done and i barely can recognize them either.

first thing: the obnoxious amount of makeup
i totes understand the need for makeup. i look like a boy without it. but doesnt it seem like these young, pretty girls overdo it? i know you really got to cake it on for TV, but i can't help but feel heidi, lauren and audrina would be sooo much nicer on the eyes if they just kept it to one or two layers of the shit instead of 5-6. whitney is the only one who comes close to looking "natural".

second thing: the weight loss, nose jobs and boobplants
okay, we've all heard of the mondo amount of work heidi "i'm the new britney" montag has had done, and i heard rumors that LC was also dropping a few lbs, but i must say, i was a little shocked when i saw her new sharp facial features. she looks older now. and her hair looked really oily the entire episode. weird.

third thing and last thing: nothing really new
i take that back a little...whitney leaving vogue and her interview with kelly whatever was the best thing about the new season so far. but as for the two "main characters" LC and heidi, wtf? why must they revolve around boy drama? i love that whitney has always had a career story going on. she's much more interesting to watch.

Punk Rock Boot Camp Is Back !!

hey ya'll. if you're anything like me you let the winter slide by with little thought to diet and/or exercise and come the first day of real spring weather (aka last weekend) you become really pissed off at your body for not looking like it did last summer.
or maybe i'm just a lazy a**hole.

for me, the only cure is punk rock boot camp. yes i have a gym membership and no i have not been there in 9 months. i dont want to talk about it.
and yes, my boyfriend is the trainer/instructor BUT it is still the most affordable and most FUN way to work out in my opinion.
beanorams, unusal, ALG have all been there and can fill you in on the dirty details including playing tag to warm up and being sore in places you didnt know you had.

this year the morning work outs are 5 days a week at 6:30 am at penn's landing and you can take beginners tai chi on tuesdays or pilates on thursdays if you dont want to do the regular boot camp mon, wed and friday.

there are new price points too including a really awesome deal, $99 for a month of unlimited classes PLUS a free training session... i have an inside scoop that that "limited time offer" is coming off the website SOON. so, go for it girls. (oh, the weekend workshops are coming back once it gets warm enough. probably may or june)

ok, that is enough shameless boyfriend promotion for one day. thanks!!!

www.punkrockbootcamp.com

Celebrate the Terrible Twos!

SoUnpretty turns two years old this month! Instead of throwing a tantrum, crying or trying to graduate to the big boy (or girl) potty, come celebrate with your favorite bloggers on April 23 7:30 p.m. at Bar Ferdinand.

Hopefully, the food won't be as greasola as the last time Beanorama and I were there! And make sure to grab some matches - they are some of the best in Phily.

Obsessed.

My friend Meaghan, worker-outer intensity in ten cities, recommended I try Greek Style yogurt because it has double the protein of regular yogurt and half the sugar. I trotted to Trader Joe's and tried Fage 0%, which was awesome. It kept me fuller much longer than Light n' Lively and I liked the taste more, too. It is a little steep in price, however, so I was pleased to see that my dear friend Trader Joe offers the same thing for a lower price.

And when I was there yesterday, some hippie cashier hit on me. I didn't know how to reply. And I was wearing mesh shorts, which would make my friends barf.

The Third Book!

i figure that by now this book club is probably about as popular as oprah's

so for all of our loyal fans that want to read along, here it is!

book numero tres: dancing to almendra. it's cubans, mafioso, car bombs, secret affairs and hippopotamuses. no joke.

The day that Moses died

So, it's actually a couple days late, but I am recognizing the death of Moses, aka Charlton Heston. He was a awesome actor and plays the lead in one of my favorite movies. I loved Ben-Hur, but The Ten Commandments takes the cake, or butter popcorn in my case. He also guest-starred on "Friends" a few years ago, which I'm sure he ranked on the top of his proudest moments list.

Later in his life, he became known more for his political views and his Alzheimer's disease than his accomplishments or talent, which is ashame since he is one of the greatest actors to ever grace the screen.

I bet he's talking to the real Moses right now and getting some notes on his 1956 performance.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

2nd Book Club Meeting Amazing Success!

ladies, ladies, ladies...what can i say? So Unpretty Book Club ain't nothin' to fuck wit!

last night's book club meeting was out of control fun. each of your contributions, thoughts and comments on "A Thousand Splendid Suns" were both insightful and intriguing. i thought you all brought really good points to the table and i want to say thank you to each and every one of you for participating. just listening to all of you express yourselves made me feel really honored to be in such good company.

let's keep it coming! onward and upward! i can't wait till the next book and the next meeting.

special thanks to mo cheeks. you truly made all of us happy and content and free to express our deepest thoughts and p.o.v.'s (points of view). the comfortable digs, flowing wine and tasty spread helped too :)

Eva, the dress was a great choice

Seriously guys, I love the color with the gold trim. If I had another dress party, it would be for something like this....
It's so fetch!

Be Still My Heart....

As any blog reader knows, New Kids on the Block is reuniting. I watched a clip about them from the Today show today and I was transported back to my 3rd grade self, who danced to "The Right Stuff" in the 3rd Grade Talent Show.

I loved them. I had the pillow cases, the lunch box, the button, the dolls, the t-shirts, the posters, the videos. Oh, the videos. There was "Hanging Tough" and "Hanging Tough: LIVE!" I preferred the former.

I will most likely go to their show if I can find someone to go with me.

And surprise, surprise, Joe was my favorite.

Send some love

Hey So Unpretty readers! You've often read about my wonderful sister on this blog. Well, she's going on a retreat for her cute little soul, and I want to send her this blog post for my secret letter to her. So, comment how great she is and how much I talk about her and how much you love her just from hearing about her. This will be the best piece of mail she gets! Thanks, nerds.

Two things that bug me today.

1) When people put their company name, rather than their real name, as what shows up when you get an email from them. I'm deleting that shit without looking twice, so don't come crying to me if I never responded to your email. Learn how to work the internets.

2) China is being a total jerk to Tibet. (Not to mention a jerk to their own peeps.) Yet, we will pour bajillions into their economy with the Olympics. I'm not happy about that.

We joined Greensgrow!

This is something I've wanted to do for a while but never managed to pull myself together to remember the cut off date.

But now, starting May 25 we will pick up a load of fresh, local, organic food every 2 weeks (we picked the half share, we love eating out too much for a full share) all the way through November 9!

Every share includes 4-7 fruits and/or veggies, a fresh local dairy product (think cheese), and a meat or pasta. Every now and then something special is thrown in - like a loaf of fresh baked bread, local mushrooms, beer from PBC, locally produced honey, fresh cut flowers or cider!

Welcome to the domestification of Mo Cheeks. One locally grown asparagi at a time.

For more Greensgrow info click here. Spaces are fililng up rapido.

Oh April 1, you got me again

I was confused/appalled while reading my Ideal Bite daily tip today, April 1. I hope no So Unpretty readers subscribe to this madness.

100 ways to go green

Check out Radar's tips for going green.

I especially like #67 (humoring solar panel salesman).

Oh. Em. Gee.

If you don't love this, then you certainly weren't a tween in the late '80s, early '90s: What Claudia Wore.

A blog dedicated to the outfits of Claudia Kishi! You know, Claudia? The dyslexic Asian in The Baby Sitters Club [the BSC]?

God, Jezebel, I love you.

Real quick, a rundown of the other characters:
MaryAnne: annoyingly shy and goody toeshoes
Dawn: diabetic California surfer girl. Older than her years.
Stacy: cool blonde. Destined to be a coke head in college I bet.
Kristy: a lesbian
Mallory: younger, a dork, bad hair
Jessi: younger, a dork.

Lost in translation.

I was watching the news this morning and the newscaster was asking the store ownder questions. She only spoke Espanol, so her bilingual son/friend was translating.

Reporter: "Have you ever seen the burgler before?
Woman (en espanol): "No."
Translator: "No. She said she has never seen him before in her life."