I do not really, truly, go on dates. I especially do not partake in the land of blind dating. But when a particulary interesting friend of my cousin's starting emailing me and seemed not terrible, I indulged his invitation to meet for a drink.
It was about 900 degrees when I met him last week, but I could overlook that fact when he was funny and actually seemed to be normal.
And then...he morphed into The Toucher. Much to the chagrin of my friends and family, I am not big on touching. "I just don't like to be touched," is something that comes out of my mouth on a frequent basis. My best friend will often utter "Ew" if I throw her off with a random, explosive hug. And my father referred to me last week as an Ice Princess (not accurate in the least) because of my aversion to physical contact. I just don't like UNINVITED touching.
Anyway, said date would use any opportunity to touch. "Need a beer?" (insert shoulder grab and subsequent back grope) "Oh my God, you're so funny!" (double shoulder grab and light shake) And after two people commented that we made a cute couple? He full-out rubs my thigh and tries to interlock his fingers with mine.
Needless to say, I was a little shocked and awed by all this. We had an amicable goodbye and I did not hear from him this week. Until yesterday. And I think I may have absolutely, positively reached the bottom of the barrel.
He sent me Powerpoint presentations to share with the community relations department of my company and of my mother's. Part of his job involves selling ad space and I apparently seemed well-connected.
I almost died. And the funniest thing was, he didn't even really try to shroud his intentions. It was like, "Hey, how are you? Hope all is well...sell, sell, sell, cash, money, h0s!"
On the upside, the slides weren't animated. That would've been completely barfy.
11 comments:
Oh that is all so creepy! I had a "friend" who was actually my supervisor for a company we worked for that had us selling educational material door to door. He was great and I went to high school with his sister. All the girls had crushes on him and was very charming. YEars later, he was working for Edward Jones as a fund manager or something and he was knocking on doors to introduce himself to the neighborhood. I was at my friend's house babysitting when he came to the door and we were like OMG!!! How are you!
We caught up with each other's lives and I saw him a couple times since. A few months ago he called me at home from a conference in Philly or something, and first he was like how's it going applying to grad school, how's you job going, blah blah... and then out of nowhere he starts asking me if I have 401k with my job (i do) or if I am interested in mutual funds and saving for retirement and that he is willing to go over any questions with me and my husband! I'm sure he was just at his conference where they tell you to sell sell sell call EVERYONE you know and assert yourself. But it just seemed so creepy. I mean, I felt like I was being pitched a sale, and it was so weird!
Jody, that happened to me, too. A Villanova alum came to work under the guise of "I'm new to Delaware, can you help me with the lay of the land?" and it turned into a sales pitch. I got snowed, sister.
wow, and if i would have read this post just one day ago, i would have been unable to relate, but just this morning Jennifer from Ameriprise called me and for a good thirty minutes tried to pretend we're best friends and oh yeah, why don't we meet to discuss your financial future???
So Unpretty!
notorious: this blog is not corporate email. you can say "hos" without using the zero for the o. you can even say fuck. or dickbag. maybe, even, dicktard, which is a word i read yesterday.
i'm sorry the toucher sent you work stuff. but you ARE the CFO of Enron. What are you gonna do?
Love, the girl that gets grossed out by your hugs.
Unwarranted touching...THE WORST
I also do not enjoy touching. Unless I have had too much to drink. But that's different.
There's a funny guy in our office who understands that most people are uncomfortable with touching so he always comes in and picks someone at random and says, "Hold me!" Usually the person will cower in their chair and look away, blushing, but he persists until he's standing over you, practically sitting in your lap, and you have to either comply with a hug or yell at him for sexual harassment, to which he says, "is it wrong to love?"
Hilarious- especially when he picks the especially squemish people or other guys.
I like saying h0s. And b00bs. And @sshole. And maybe even j*rk 0ff.
This is the thing about touching...if you want it, than it's cool. If you don't, the other person may be worthy of a kick to the groin.
Jody- that is hilarious. Do you hold him?
Although, I feel like that kind of stuff happens several times a day, every day, in this office too. like when unusual suspect says, "i hate you, i love you."
ALG-- 10 comments. you rule. the most ever. who knew the toucher would be such a catalyst for discussion?
now its eleven!
i hate you, i love you!
Post a Comment