Sara Bareilles.

OK, this video is admittedly lo-fi. It's from Park City TV, which is no MTV... but apparantly Sara Bareilles doesn't yet have a video for her song Love Song. I think this gal will be doing well soon. Let's hope she's not a one-semi-hit wonder.

What up, B?

I read this on my favorite gossip source’s website & I just had to check it out for myself:“Guess Beyoncé really doesn’t want us to see her fall on her bootylicious bum. After she face-planted on the stairs while performing “Ring the Alarm” at an Orlando concert last week, she asked the audience not to put it on YouTube. Natch, videos of the tumble quickly popped up all over the Internet and became a must-click item. Not anymore. As I’m sure you know (but just wanted to make sure ya did!), when you try to watch the videos of the nasty debacle on YouTube, the too-fun viewing station states the clips have been removed “due to a copyright claim by Sony BMG.” Did Beyoncé really sic her record label on YouTube and demand the footage of the fall be removed? Hey, B-hon, here’s a hint: Let folks see it—it actually made us like you more for showing you’re not perfect and you trip and fall (and hopefully fart) and make stink-ola mistakes like the rest of us human beings.”
I went to You Tube & sure enough, when I tried looking for the clip, I saw this on my computer screen: “This video has been removed due to terms of use violation”
Do you agree with Beyonce? That an embarrassing clip should be removed from the Internet? Is she ashamed of the fall or of the lip-synching? A few years ago, when her one of her other band members fell on stage she & the other chick kept walking & that clip was shown everywhere. So, when it happens to her, she doesn’t want it shown?
I do feel bad, though. She could have really hurt herself. I just don’t know that if I had the capability of controlling a situation like that if I would go to those lengths. In my opinion, it’s not that big of a deal. As a celebrity, you have far more embarrassing moments that could be youtubed.

Family Guy - Bush Ranch in Texas

I just saw this episode on Sunday. It’s the best Family Guy episode ever! Even if you don’t watch Family Guy, but hate Tex-ass, you’ll love this clip. I only wish they had the whole episode available. It’s the ultimate “I hate Texas” summed up in 30 minutes or less animated diatribe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPjHy8nLMAQ

Finally! Some Great Summer TV

In the past few weeks there have finally been a few shows that I can really sink my teeth into (Big Brother 8 & Hey Paula not withstanding). The two shows to watch this summer are Mad Men & Damages.
Mad Men is on AMC & it’s awesome. It’s about male ad agency employees on Madison Avenue in the 60s. On the first episode, they had to create an ad campaign for Lucky Strikes cigarettes to combat the backlash that had started against the tobacco industry. Basically, make cigarettes seem sexy & manly. During that time everyone smoked in the office, secretaries, ad men, clients, etc. When one of the characters goes to the gyno, even her doctor is smoking. Weird, right? One of my favorite scenes is while the agency is pitching to the clients, everyone starts hacking a smoker’s cough while still convincing themselves that there was nothing wrong with smoking.
The show has everything – sexism, racism, and in general, is just a reflection of what was going on at the time in US history. There was no such thing as sexual harassment – if your male boss felt like smacking your ass, fine. If you’re doctor insulted you while you were in his office, fine. And forget about racial integration. This was primarily an Anglo-Saxon ad agency. To prove to a client that they were diverse, they pulled a Jewish man out of the mailroom. I would have loved to have a business lunch in their boardroom. Forget sandwiches & sodas – they served Bloody Marys.
Damages is on FX & is my second favorite show.
Damages has Glenn Close as the super crazy Devil Wears Prada-type of boss. The series is kinda working its way backwards so that you can see how the character winds up in bloodied, running down the street in only a trench coat. I’m really curious to see how they’re going to wrap up this season.

The Sex Tape that No One Wants To See

So, rumor has it that Kate Moss & Pete Dougherty broke up for the millionth time. Except, this time Pete supposedly made off with some sex tapes that they made together & Kate is worried that the tapes will show up on the Internet, etc.
I know (maybe “know” isn’t the correct phrasing here)…it’s widely believed that a sex tape can boost one’s career or at least make them a household name. Think Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Pam & Tommy, etc. But, I doubt that that would be the case here. We already know from Kate’s coke bust-up that if it does hit the Internet, she’s not going to lose out on any major sponsorships. And, does anyone want to see these two pale, druggie wankers shagging? Like, are there going to be needles everywhere? Gross. I think that there was already a movie like that – Traffic.
No worries, Kate. Your tape would probably do down in history as the least viewed sex tape – right alongside Screech from Saved by the Bell.

My Dairy Quirk

It has recently come to my attention that I have an eating habit that both shocks & horrifies. When people see me do it, they look away in disgust. What could be that damn awful, you ask? In my attempt to be healthy & consume the daily-required amount of dairy, I like to enjoy a mozzarella stick & a container of yogurt. Together. Meaning, I like to dip my mozzarella stick into my yogurt & munch happily away. A few months back, A. T.S. told me that it was “really weird”. A few weeks ago, the hubby spotted me doing it & couldn’t understand why I would combine a sweet & savory flavor combination. I told Beanorama about it a few days after that and she was like, “yeah, I ‘ve seen you do that in the kitchen before”. Then, she shuddered.
What the fuck, people?
What’s so horrible about this? I think that a mozzarella stick tastes dry and it needs some liquid – like yogurt – to make it taste a little better. I’m sorry if I’m so damn disgusting. Why don’t you try it? You’ll see my point. And, if you give it a whirl, I won’t point my finger and laugh at you. Jerks.

(Hanes) My Way or the Highway.....

It has gotten to the point where I have finally had to tough-love myself into investing in some new underwear. My behavior is inexcusable. My top drawer contains undergarments that even on the worst of days, should not see the sunlight.

I have a hard time spending a lot of loot on underwear, so even though my friends sing the praises of Hanky Pankys and Victoria's Secret tangas, I usually find myself buying unders from Marshall' s or Old Navy.

The good news is, I have a solution. And that solution is Hanes Her Way seamless thongs and low rise briefs. They truly, truly rule. And they are cheap: 6 bones for a pack of two at Tarjay. As if you needed another reason to visit the Bullseye.

Drug Love.

I gotta tell you. In some effed up way, I think Kate Moss & Pete Doherty are sweet & wonderfully effed up together. I mean, a model, a dependent, drug-addled rock star, British accents... it's pretty sexy. I just read the best article in the Daily Mirror, Kate's fave rag. Pete gave them an interview in hopes of getting her back. Choice excerpts:

he passionately declares: "I love her with all my heart. I like the way she walks and talks. I love her bones. I love her brain."

Doherty said: "It was love at first meet. When I met her she said she'd get a P tattoo, and I'd get a K.

he added bleakly: "I can't properly describe my feelings for Kate they are too strong. It's why I write songs."

He disclosed: "She rang last night and left a drunken answerphone message, singing Moon River. She's ripped my heart out. I don't know what I'm doing."

"If I had Kate back then life wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

Pete scrawls 'I love Kate 4 eva' on the windscreen of his Jag, after emerging from yet another drug hearing at a London court.

Kate and Pete are forced to leave the NME awards by security due to too much "amorous behaviour".

This is gross though: Doherty's yellow hands riddled with scabs and cuts are a grim legacy of his crack and heroin habit. His half-chewed fingernails are filthy."

Get out of the water! And get in front of the T.V.

its that time again, my fellow television junkies. its shark week. tune into discovery channel this week to remind yourself how lucky you are that you don't live at the beach. and that you have two legs. and that you are not roy schneider.

i don't usually watch family guy, but this is a very funny clip that somehow seamlessly combines jaws, fire island and gay guys.

enjoy.

Unpretty Sighting

this morning i spotted the official unprettiest blouse of the summer.

how can I explain the pattern...well, i will just say what it was: about a dozen or so vibrant, ripe WATERMELONS set against a sophisticated black background.

deeee-lish!

the plus of wearing this blouse: the office perv can now get away with looking at your melons, guilt free.

the picture attached to this post is the just as ugly cousin of the watermelon blouse, the watermelon sweater. who would wear this shit?

Learn a Word, Leave a Penny.

FUCKERY

n. derivative of the word fuck

Absolute bullshit; utter nonsense; something rather suspicious that can bring forth uneasy, angry, or irritated feelings. The stunt pulled by people who don't know how to tell the truth or enjoy messing with people's heads as a hobby.

Examples:

"You can only get away with that kind of fuckery for so long before it turns around and bites you in the ass."

"What's up with this fuckery? I don't deserve to be messed with!"

Who'd A Thunk It?

_______Joan Crawford pretty much reigned as the Notorious C.A.M. (Crazy Ass Mom) for the last 50 years, but finally we may have someone ready to dethrone ole' eyebrows.

Dina Lohan.

you kill me. you really do. however, J-Crow is a legend. she won an academy award. what did you ever do besides ride lindsay's coke trails? you probably don't even know how to beat your child with a wire hanger the right way.

and to think, i used to feel bad for bobbi kristina.

Rachel YamagottaNO.

I read today that Rachel Yamagata is playing @ Johnny Brenda's tonight. As I have been downloading her songs this past month, I clearly want to go. I asked nearly 10 peeps and everyone said no! ALG was still deciding what to do tonight, Chrissie P didn't answer the phone, ATS got "strep throat," Flip Flop gave me an exhausted "not tonight," Jmybux said "I would, but I just don't think it's going to be that good", Smedelicious said she needed to clean or something, Charlie was riding bikes with boys, AlltheRage went to the Phils game, and Annimal had drinks with the ceo.*

I need more friends.


*Annimal just called. She & Jmybux are heading to my fave drinking establishment. I am joining them. Til next time, R-Yams.

If I Was a Weather Forecaster

I would change my name to something real sassy, classy and cool. like...

Rain Fiercehead

or

Stormy Pillsburrow

or

Sunnie Andrews-Reynolds

which reminds me...weather forecasters must get their names from the same name generator as porn stars. too bad weather isnt half as titillating. although, i do enjoy a really good hailstorm...

what would your weather forecaster name be? there is no formula. just the first name should be related to weather and the last name must be cheese-a-roo.

The Gizmo: Incredibly Tacky But Very Tasty

the gizmo...rarely seen in center city parts, mostly resides in the neighborhoods of port richmond and fishtown. it started at st. laurentius church in fishtown i believe (or so says my family).

basically, its the poor man's mini pizza, invented long before ellio's and tony's. all you need are hamburger buns, kraft singles, tomatoe sauce, italian seasonings, garlic salt and pepperoni if you're feeling spicy.

i think you know where i am going with this. you make mini pizzas and then you put 'em in the toaster oven. within 15 minutes you have a tasty treat that even flip flop girl could make.

yeah, its hokey, but i lovey-dove-dove.

and, if you want to center city it, just upgrade the quality of ingredients...you know; baguettes instead of buns, provolone or mozzarella instead of kraft and so on.

don't ever say there wasnt a recipe post on this blog :)

p.s. have no idea why they named it a gizmo, so please don't ask. just use your god damn imagination.

My Diet for the Last Three Days While Being an Incubus of Strep

(not recommended for anyone other than me. please consult a physician before attempting to follow said diet.)

Sunday:
-2 glasses of grape, then orange gatorade (gross, lemon-line rocks the hizouse, but beggars can't be choosers)
-half a can of campbell's crappy chicken noodle soup
-1 saltine cracker

Monday:
-2 soggy, delicious, butter sopped pieces of toast made for me by my pop
-2 cups of hot tea
-the other half a can of campbell's crappy chicken noodle soup
-half a serving of boston market meatloaf, mashed potatoes and macaroni cheese (will have other half tonight)

Tuesday:
-2 burnt, very hard to swallow pieces of toast that i made myself (clearly this is a job only for pop)
-2 cups of hot tea
-too much cranberry juice that i now have indigestion
-hopefully 2 gizmos* my little brother made me if i can swallow tonight

*will write separate post about what the hell a gizmo is since you rightfully do not know

Life imitates art imitates life imitates...

Some of you make fun of me for filling my Netflix with the vapid glory that is The OC. But I also know some of you are obsessed (and rightly so) with The Hills. Though The OC started before Laguna & The Hills, you know The OC was based on the lifestyle seen in Laguna, which then made a real life show based on the fictional show based on the real life. Right?

ANYway. Season Three of The OC (a season no one really watched) brings us Kevin Volchok- Johnny Harper's bad-boy surfer nemesis who ends up doing Marissa and giving her coke. Anyway, Volchok (aka Cam Gigandet) is probably one of the hottest dudes on the show (sorry, Adam Brody. I love you, skinny nerd).

Does anyone see a resemblance with LC's real life bad boy idiot Jason "J-Wal" Wahler? Totally weird.

OK, back to reading Anna Karinina.

DUI...Its the New Prego

so, remember a year or two or actually three ago when everyone and there mothers (really) were getting pregnant in hollywood and it was fashionable to have the best maternity wear, the best baby showers featured in people and name your kids the wackiest name fathomable?

well that was then and this is now. the new prego is definitely getting arrested for dui. our favorite coke whore here at so unpretty is unanimously miss lindsay BLOWhan, who thought getting arrested for drunk driving was so nice, she did it twice in the last few months.

but, linds, we are embarrassed for you that you let paris start this trend. come on, be a little innovative. we give you props for putting your distinct touch to the whole shit show though (i mean, you also had coke on your person and you were pulled over while chasing another vehicle). pretty wild, little lady. you do know that all life is not a movie set, right?

probably not. has larry king called yet? this one should be good.

luck!

It's In Your Genes

Most of you have been my friends for years... You have been victims of my loud mouth, spontaneous behavior and, unfortunately, my butt cleavage.

You've been supportive and sympathetic to my never ending struggle to find a pair of jeans that actually fit my bootyliciousness (is bootylicious a word yet?)...

Finally, we have help finding the perfect fit at http://www.zafu.com/

You fill out some measurement questions and they give you several examples of jeans and fits that you should consider...

Thank goodness, no more spending hours a Charlies...

What am I going to do with all this free time --- drinks anyone?

Ohh, the site also helps you find the perfect bra!!! This is the answer to all of our clothing dilemmas!

I HEART TECHNOLOGY

did anyone catch the CNN You Tube Democratic Debate? if i might offer my humble opinion (and i will) it was awesome. it was an appropriate blend of hard hitting questions and funniness. it was also nice to see genuine people calling the shots. this is a prime example of how technology has really revolutionized all things american.

anderson cooper: you did a good job moderating the entire shit show. the gay undertone was juuuust right, girl.

hillary: loved the suit. it was like a modern day jackie o. number. you were cool, calm and collected.

obama: you're so cute and smart. i could see myself dating you. you stumbled over some questions but your overall performance was good.

joe biden: you a lil crazy, huh?

john edwards: now you. i just want to squeeze your face and kiss you. you're a doll too. you should be a little more relaxed. you're like the only democratic candidate that is considered "normal".

dodd and the other duds: you guys were so uncomfortable with this new format and it showed. you guys may be ok guys, but you need to learn how to communicate to a younger audience. we can vote too, you know.

Goodbye to the cousin of "Dance 50 Cent"

Another sad clothing goodbye: my favorite green tee shirt from Zhuny that said "Help! I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!" with a picture of a woman on her tush wearing snowshoes and a '50s bathing suit. It was NOT faux vintage, and it was the last iteration of Jake's tees before they became annoying and Abercrombie-esque with lame slogans like "Pine Hill Ski Team."

I ruined this shirt on an 8-mile hike of the Napali coastline of Kauai, Hawaii where I saw 8 pit bulls and the 2 wild boar they had just killed, as well as a man who said he had no name and that he lived in heaven.

Bye shirty. It was a good run.

Goodbye, ultimate sweatpants.

Tonight, I did a clothes audit. And tonight, I finally said good-bye to my ulimate sweatpants. I got these suckers beginning of senior year of college at a J. Crew warehouse sale*. They were $7. They fit my short legs. They were slit a little at the ankle to fi well over sneaks. They were navy blue. They tied at the side. I wore them as soon as I got home from classes. And when hungover, I wore them to classes.

Year after year, I wore these suckers to the rare 5k, the more frequent post-drinking diner run, as a change of clothes in long car rides, and as my fave pjs. For at least 5 years.

And now they are dead. I should have let them go when the ankle slits turned into knee slits and i did an awful sew job with purple thread. I should have let them go peacefully when the dryer tied the drawstring in knots, or when the drawstring snapped in half and my mom put a purple elastic drawstring in. But no. I clung tight. Until tonight. Tonight, I let my ultimate sweatpants go... not even to Goodwill, but right into the trash. They are no good for anyone anymore. Not even wearable.

Ultimate sweatpants, I love you.



*why don't they have warehouse sales anymore??

Simpsonize me?

So Burger King has this fun new online gadget called Simpsonize Me that, well, simponizes you. I mean, it's fun until every photo you try doesn't work. After trying a close up of Flip Flop Girl, Notorious ALG, my ultimate nephew, and me, I still came up empty handed. None of us could be simpsonized. If you have better luck, please post here.

Evict Vick.

Now, I don't love dogs, but I abhor animal abuse. That said, I think Michael Vick is a monster, yet Nike keeps him on because...?

Thanks to Smedelicious for sending on this link to petition against Nike's endorsement of Vick.

My New Fave Winehouse Tune: Tears Dry on Their Own

love this song. what do you think she keeps in that hive? my guess: a bottle of jack and a pound of funk.

No, I am DEFINITELY Up for the Challenge!

I would not describe my workplace as a hostile work environment. At times, it can be a little political but that happens to everyone and I have a tendency to get away with oblivion because I am much younger than my "peers."

That said, I have been put on a special project with a woman who has been described as "hard-to-work with," "will turn you into burger meat," "a personnel issue," and "nothing is ever good enough."

Um.....Monster.com? Are you there?

I am nervous. She and I have been in meetings together for two days and she seems fine, but everyone is nervous FOR me.

Excellent. Here's to Friday!

I'll bet you a quarter

About a week ago, Clay Aiken got in trouble on some airline because he started a fight with some woman during a flight. I love how Clay Aiken, runner-up on American Idol a few years ago, is only mentioned for some obscure reason. When he first lost to Ruben Studdard, he got so much press & had so many followers that you would've thought that he won American Idol. Then, nothing. He just fell off the map. Clive Davis & his crew tried to do an image makeover - dyed hair, street cred, but he still just fell into obscurity. Let's review the last few times his name has come up, shall we?
1) Putting his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth. On a scandal scale level of 1 -10, this would rate about a 1.5.
2) Fallout from the Kelly Ripa incident with Rosie spewing accusations that Kelly's homophobic against Clay, whom she says is gay. Rating: 7.
3) Clay Aiken speaking out about the Kelly Ripa incident, all the while not acknowledging that he's gay. Rating: 8.
4) Clay Aiken throwing a hissy fit & damn near bitch-slapping a chick on a plane over an arm rest. Rating: 9.
I'm willing to bet you a quarter that at this rate, Clay is on a unpublicized-due-to-lack-of-interest downward spiral into obscurity. The next time that there's a scandal surrounding him, it will be due to being discovered performing George Michael-esque at NJ turnpike rest stops or he'll be discovered slumped over in his 2001 Toyota Prius bewildered, disoriented and high on coke, also like George Michael.
I'm betting you a quarter that this will happen in the not too distant future. Are you on?

Kid Nation - another awful CBS show

So, I guess CBS hasn't learned from the failure of this summer's show, Ass Pirates, er, I mean, Pirate Master. They have another doomed to fail show on the fall lineup called Kid Nation. The narrator of the commercial solemnly hypothesizes that maybe, just maybe, in all of our thousands of years of civilization, it's kids that have all of the answers and can create & function in a civil society & maybe it's us fucked up grownups that have fucked up the world. The show will explore a society created & lived in by multi-ethnic, diverse kids & see what the outcome will be.
Yeah, right. Putting my anti-kids bias aside, I think that we can draw a few conclusions on this "social experiment" before the show airs.
1) This show will suck. Big time. Worse than the Caveman show. 2) That in true CBS's Survivor fashion, this show is probably being filmed on some lot - with schools, parents & McDonald's nearby- not in Wyoming's wilderness or some other obscure place. Because if this show were real, they'd have to deal with a few things, like how are these kids going to feed themselves? Has anyone taken a kid to overnight camp? In reality, half of the kids would be in tears at the thought of being left by themselves. I'm supposed to believe that a bunch of kids that are probably incapable of blowing their own noses and/or bed wetters are going to teach us adults some valuable life lessons?3) Ummm, have these producers not read Lord of the Flies? Have you been out on a school yard without adult supervision? Kids are more violent than adults. Kids will walk over to someone else & take what they want if another kid is holding it. Adults are the ones that are enforcing the manners, not kids.
I know how the show will end, but inevitably, it's not going to end the way I want it to- with a bunch of hungry, cranky, afternoon nap-deprived kids savagely picking on the smaller, weaker kids chanting "kill the pig! kill the pig!" until the producers knock the walls down on the set and their parents come running to the rescue.

Finally! A cell phone for your stupid ass parents!

I saw a commercial for this Jitterbug phone a few weeks ago. I think the picture to the right explains it all. It's the most unintentionally condescending commercial I've seen in a while. It's kind of like that "I've fallen & I can't get up" old lady commercial in the 80s. Like, you felt bad, but you were really laughing your ass off every time you saw it. Anyway, this phone is made for old people. It has huge buttons so that you can focus on the buttons even with cataracts. It only has about 3 buttons(probably so that if you're shaking with Parkinson's & hit the wrong button, you won't be too far off from the number that you need to call). You can call 911, your closest relative, and 911. The old people in the commercial are carrying on as though the telephone, let alone the cell phone is the newest, hippest invention that all of their grandkids are talking about. And, they have cell phone plans for as little as $10! This is probably so that it doesn't suck up all of your social security check money.
So, if your grandparent(s) is a moron or you want to get them a gag gift for Christmas '07, this is the phone for them.

fsdbaofdhfdoshyewabnr

What I Imagine Flip Flop Girl Will Be Singing to Jessica

All my bags are packed
Im ready to go
Im standin here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
Its early morn
The taxis waitin
Hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome
I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Evry place I go, Ill think of you
Evry song I sing, Ill sing for you
When I come back, Ill bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time
Let me kiss you
Then close your eyes
Ill be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave alone
About the times, I wont have to say

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

But, Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Words and music by john denver

Ode to a Suit

Dear Business Suit,

i know i don't give you an awful a lot of attention. the majority of the time, you are balled away in some corner or pile of clothes that need to be dry cleaned. and i know thats not right, but tis still true.

i only appreciate you when i need you. days like today. board day.

you make me feel powerful and sophisticated. even though i am wearing pink undies and flip flops too.

so thanks, suit. you're terrific and i just god damn love ya'.

A New Yellow Stone on Lexington Ave?

did anyone see the coverage of that steam pipe explosion in NYC last night? it was super intense. someone was killed and a dozen seriously injured. steam, mud and rocks were shot as high as four stories into the air for more than hour and the footage was insane-o.

the suckiest part is that the poor people in nearby buildings thought it was terrorism at first because of the loud explosion and debris. i probably would have thought the same thing.

fortunately, it was just a couple of boneheads trying to fix a pipe.

Who Knew?

My sister and I were watching The Girls Next Door last night and they featured all of the past Playmates of the Year, once of which was Cara from the Road Rules: South Pacific edition. I was shocked. I don't know why....I never really assume that the MTVers go that route.

I am so naive.

But you should read her website. Kind of b*tchy.

I have to admit something.

I watched the Victoria Beckham Comes To America show last night, and uh... I sorta liked her. She wasn't a cranky bitch. In fact, she seemed quite nice.

I mean, she totally played into some stereotypes-- afraid to get dirty, didn't know how to throw a ball, and had WAAAAYYY too many handlers (I think I saw 4?) but she wasn't bad. I liked how she kept saying people were "major."

And Tommy LaSorda didn't know who she was. Brilliant.

But where were her kids?

Hello, 1950's? Can you help me?

Please excuse me, as I have to revert to the 1950s and say, DAMN DID I EVER WISH I HAD A HUSBAND LAST NIGHT. Um, yea, I saw a 3-inch long cockroach in my bathroom. If you know me, you know I get the shivers and the screams when I see those dinosaurs. I would prefer a mouse.

I saw the beast, yelped, got fully dressed head to toe, pulled my hair back, grabbed Endust, bleach and a shoe, shut the cat out, and sprayed and screamed. I destroyed a favorite photo in a frame in the midst of my spray attack, but I don't care. Then, sweaty and red, I wrapped my hand in plastic and used 4 paper towels to pick the thing up and tossed it one foot into my toilet.

My apt isn't spin-n-span but it isn't filthy either. I am blaming this on the upstairs drug dealer, who I hear is a pig.

Time to harass the landlord.

I love messups.

You know how Google has that new creepy Street View service? Well, streetviewr found all the messups and things that prolly shouldn't have been caught on cam.

Lindsay Was Up All Night...

a. writing a paper for her sociology class

b. picking a new skin for her myspace page

c. researching breast reduction

d. IMing with Josh, and making plans for their next date rape

Today.

Since Thunderstorms Are Predicted...

A little "light"-hearted warning for you:

Lightning has been the second largest storm killer in the U.S. for the last 40 years, exceeded only by floods. A lightning strike can result in a cardiac arrest (heart stopping) at the time of the injury, although some victims may appear to have a delayed death a few days later if they are resuscitated but have suffered irreversible brain damage.

According to Storm Data, a National Weather Service publication, over the last 30 years the U.S. has averaged 62 reported lightning fatalities per year. Due to under reporting, the figures are more realistically at least 70 deaths per year. Only about 10% of people who are struck by lightning are killed, leaving 90% with various degrees of disability.

ODDS OF BECOMING A LIGHTNING VICTIM
Odds of being struck by lightning in a given year (reported deaths + injuries): 1/700,000
Odds of being struck by lightning in a given year (estimated total deaths + injuries): 1/400,000
Odds of being struck in your lifetime (Est. 80 years): 1/5000
Odds you will be affected by someone being struck (Ten people affected for every one struck): 1/500


there. i just made your day.

Worst Show of 2007

Pirate Master.

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ful.

i wish i had not one, but two eye patches just to watch five minutes of this absa-fucking-lutely ridiculoso show. CBS Execs who produced this fucker: walk the effing plank.

You May Not Be A Celebrity...

...but at least you can find out which one you most resemble.

myheritage.com

check it out. its good, clean, self-obsessive fun.

Can You Guess Which One Is A Man?

i can't.

CAPTION: Perez Hilton and Posh Spice

READER ALERT

A.T.S. is the artist formerly known as Unusual Suspect.

That is all.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Candy For Your Eyes and Fesit For Your Ears

your welcome.

End of days.

I am still so sad. But I feel better knowing that women all over are feeling the same bittersweet goodbye.

Jezebel is pretty similar to Jane, but in blog form, and they sum up Jane readers feelings here:

Jezebel also brings up some of the most amazing articles that I remember-- Unusual Suspect, remember how I told you Dov Charney touched his ween in front of a Jane writer? And the Club Med article is all about how they whore themselves for s. Click the links for the articles.

"Otherwise our favorite moments in Jane usually involved Jeff Johnson's jokes and Claudine Ko's voyeuristic skewerings of Club Med, the Peace Corps and American Apparel -- institutions other magazines would never bother investigating."

Goodbye, Sweet Jane.

Ladies, it's been a glorious ride, but it's all about to end. The idiots that brought you "ten ways to please your man" have now completely ended the run on one of the best women's magazines of my almost-three decades: goodbye, Jane Magazine.

Jane, the offshoot of the new & different Sassy, was a Fairchild Pub named after & written in the spirit of Jane Pratt, the free spirit that once made out with Drew Barrymore. Every month for years I would retreat to my bedroom and read Jane cover to cover, laughing out loud at everything from the cover lines to the captions. Jane was the first snark I ever snarked. Jane was a refreshing change from lame ass women's magazines that only wanted you to please your man at all costs. To do so, Jane didn't have to preach or to hate-- the writers just treated themselves and their readers with a healthy dose of self respect and humor.

Then... dum dum dum... here comes Conde Nast! The big bad Conde Nasty kicked out Jane Pratt. I;m sure they fired half the staff. And the new editor, Brandon Holley, SWORE Jane would still be Jane. But the Conde Nast influence was immediately obvious. They still had ball-busting headlines, but the fine print was the same ten ways to please your man type of bullshit.

I almost wrote in (but my day job made me too scared). I almost cancelled my subscription. But Katy's travel stories and Jeff's music reviews kept me subscribing, month after month, when eye rolls replaced belly laughs.

And today: the final nail in the Conde Nast coffin. May Jane rest in peace.

A.T.S. was so unprettily right!

Last week, when I read Ashlie's post about the latest fashion trend I shook my head in cynical disbelief. But what did I catch on Big Brother 8 last week? A contestant named Amber who looks as if she's the recipient of a tragic 80s perm gone bad. Later on, I was talking to my sister in law about how awful & dated this hairstyle is and she replied, " I know, but it's coming back, that look is coming back!"

Nooooooooooo!! The horror!

Unfortuately, Ashlie was So Unprettily right.

Washington Square Deserves Props, Too.

Yesterday, my friends and I partook (is that a word?) in a lovely croquet match to celebrate our Nation's independence. We selected Washington Square as the destination, which is a change from our usual route of Rittenhouse Square.

We found the destination to be lovely, less bustling than Rittenhouse and very pretty. We also saw a lady walking a cat and a woman with a full goatee.

If you happen to be in the area and have a full bladder, I recommend the Starbucks on Walnut (I think), Jones, or LaScala's.

As for the croquet match, I cheated. And Beanorama saw it all go down.

Another reason to love Target

As though I needed one. A few years ago, I used to use this product called Downy Wrinkle Releaser. It’s great if you’re like me , meaning 1) you don’t like to iron (honestly, who does?), 2) your daily wardrobe consists of either what you pulled out of the dryer or what you picked up off your bedroom floor or 3) if you’re like Jmoney & sleep in your clothes.

So anyway, the way this stuff works is that you squirt it onto your clothes, tug at it a bit & the wrinkles come out. Genius! Downy also used to have a Wrinkle Releaser fabric softener. Combine those two products & I was in wrinkle free heaven.

Of course when there’s a product this amazing, it has to go away. For a while now, I’ve been searching for it all over & came across it on Downy’s website. Once I realized that the only way to acquire it was by buying it online, I just resigned myself to a life of wrinkly clothes.

Then, it happened. Last week, I went to Target to buy some fabric softener (which at Target only comes in a big ass bottle that will last me for the next 6 months. Love it.) and lo & behold on the same laundry aisle I saw a big ass bottle of Downy Wrinkle Releaser!

I quickly grabbed it & contemplated buying several more bottles for fear that it would go out of style a la Elaine & the Today sponge. However, I managed to control myself & limit it to 1 bottle…for now.

Watch out wrinkles! Week-old laying-in-the-dryer clothes ain’t go nothing on me!

Sto-laht, Sto-laht!

its someone's birthday today...can you guess who? in case your iphone doesnt load the picture attached to this post, then i'll give you some hints.

he dresses in drag (every new year's eve) and blows (a saxophone).

he's very patriotic, loves politics and holds dear his right to vote (for bush).

he drives a black nissan (deathtrap that he bought from ebay).

he works really hard (to stay on top of all of the blogs and newspapers).

he's also a great friend. happy birthday, popsie!

Readers Poll: You and Your Sinuses

1. do you have sinus problems/allergies? (if yes, continue on to question #2; if no, skip to question 4)

2. have you ever used an over the counter sinus rinse? (if yes, continue on to question #3; if no, skip to question 4)

3. do you enjoy the fact that your nose will involuntary continue to drain hours after your sinus rinse, resulting in embarrassing, yet oddly exciting moments of "faucet nose"? (if yes, please post a comment; if no, skip to question 4)

4. have you always been a jerk?

thanks for participating! be sure to check back in for the results!

p.s. i really do use sinus rinses (see picture). its awesome and seems to be working for me. since i started them, i have not had a single sinus infection. cross my heart and kiss my elbow.

So Unpretty Fashion Prediction of '08

curly hair.

i can already smell the hot curlers and the perm solution.

oh, yes. i have had an off-again, on-again love affair with curly hair. perms when i was young. then, as i got older, discovering that i had naturally wavy hair meant that with enough mouse, hairspray and heat, you can do just about anything including building the perfect curl. i will say, its a lot of work, but it has its hot moments. and i can just feel this one coming around the corner. probably this fall. make your hair appts now, biatches.

to the straightees: poor you.

iPhone Use #69: its a great prophylactic

Did You Know There Are Officially Nine Steps to Applying Mascara?

Its a wonder we ever leave the house on time...note the difficulty rating. hilarious.

An excerpt from eHow.com:

Mascara's one of the most popular beauty items. It defines and brings color to the lashes, and highlights and dramatizes eyes. Different formulas can enhance your lashes in different ways.

Difficulty: Moderate

Steps

Step One
Consider the types of mascara and select one appropriate for your lashes and the occasion. You have a choice of lengthening, thickening, long-wearing, conditioning and waterproof formulas, among others. For day, you might decide to add length, while a night on the town may require a long-wearing or thickening formula.

Step Two
Select a color. If you have blond or red lashes, opt for brown mascara. Darker-lashed women can consider brown for a casual look, and black or brown-black for more pronounced or dramatic lashes.

Step Three
Curl your lashes with an eyelash curler, if desired, and apply all other eye makeup prior to your mascara.

Step Four
Remove the wand from the tube in one pull. Pumping the mascara will push air into the tube, potentially drying out the formula and introducing bacteria into it.

Step Five
Begin with the underside of your upper lashes, moving the brush slowly upward toward the tips of your lashes. Always hold the wand parallel to your eyelid. Roll the brush slowly on the upward stroke to promote separation of the lashes.

Step Six
Allow the first coat of mascara to dry before applying the second coat in the same manner.

Step Seven
Use an eyelash comb to separate the wet lashes. Also blot the lashes with tissue paper if necessary to remove excess mascara.

Step Eight
Use less mascara for the lower lashes. Begin where the lashes meet the rim of the lower eyelid, and gently stroke downward.

Step Nine
Remove any stray mascara around the eye with a cotton swab dipped in a small amount of eye makeup remover.

Tips & Warnings

Contact lens wearers should stick to waterproof mascara formulas, as they break down more slowly, minimizing the chance of any flakes getting into the eyes.
Always remove eye makeup thoroughly before going to bed. This will keep lashes healthier and prevent any mascara from getting into your eyes during the night.
Apply mascara after eye shadow and eyeliner.

BACK TO BLACK

By Amy Winehouse

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

This looks awful.

Who wants to go see it with me?