This week, it was announced that both Christina Aquilera & Paula Abdul were going to come up with their own fragrance. A few years ago, I knew that the going the perfume route was kinda getting out of control when Adidas & Michael Jordan respectively, came out with their own scents. These scents could be found at your finer retail stores like CVS or Kmart. I could only imagine what fragrance notes went into it - a pleasant mix of Gatorade, sweat and the tiniest amount of musk? Yuck.
In recent years, however, the latest celebrity or pop culture icon keeps throwing their hat into the ring. I've listed below the celebrity, their associated fragrance (If I know it), and the fragrance notes that I think make up their signature scent. In the instances that I've listed I can't imagine 1) why these people would come out with a fragrance & 2) why would anyone buy the fragrance/or want to smell like these people? When the celebrity fragrance market hit it's peak a few years ago, I read an article on how expensive a gamble it is to make a fragrance. There are a lot of aspects to consider because a fragrance purchase is an emotional, psychological & visual purchase. Researchers consider packaging, color, scent & bottle design. I imagine that with a celebrity backed fragrance that public image/perception counts for about 85% of consideration when making a fragrance; which is why I can't imagine who decided that some of these celebrity fragrances were a good idea.
Tell me if you agree or not.
1) P. Diddy - Unforgivable. I'm not exactly sure why it's called Unforgivable. Diddy gives some stupid ass explanation about living life to the fullest or some crap like that. You know what I consider Unforgivable? Being the baby daddy to about 4 kids & not marrying any of your baby mammas. You know what else is Unforgivable? Bitching when the state of NY makes an example out of your stupid ass and makes you pay record child support amounts because you don't have the ability to 1) make a commitment to your baby momma or 2) use protection. Finally, the most Unforgivable thing of all is still riding on your dead best friend's coattails when said friend has been dead for about a decade. Scent - a mixture of dolla, dolla bills, arrogance & Farnsworth Bentley's breath from kissing Diddy's ass. Uh-huh, yeah...I'm doing this for Biggy, y'all....I'm shutting down the studio!
Bonus gift w/purchase: a fat child support payment, a Farnsworth Bentley approved umbrella and your choice of a Making of the Band castmember from Seasons 1-99.
2) J. Lo (or J. 'Ho as Jamie Foxx calls her) - Glow & some other 12 yr. old sounding fragrance names. I don't even know where to start. Just, why? Who would buy it? Who still looks up to her as a Latino role model? Oh, well. Scent- a mixture of desperation, whatever husband-stealing cheap whores smell like, fried tacos.
Bonus gift w/purchase: her latest CD & DVD (both with sales so disappointing that they're giving them away. Seriously, did anyone see Monster in Law?), and Mark Anthony (he's so small he can fit into your pocket).
3) Paris Hilton - Heiress (?). The biggest fucking "what the fuck were they thinking?" of all. Do I even need to list the rationalization here? Suggestion for new scent name - Human Condom. Scent - delectable combination of weed, publicity-loving desperation, semen, peroxide, "firecrotch", tanning oil & vomit (from that undiagnosed eating disorder).
Bonus gift w/purchase: whatever's in her possession at the time of an arrest - a chihuahua, blond extensions, her most recently "lost" rhinestoned T-Mobile Sidekick complete with 1 yr. of free service, weed, One Night in Paris (sales benefit charity & that's hot) and your choice of a top CDC-rated STD.
4) Olsen twins - I don't know the name of their fragrance, just that they have one. I imagine that their target customer is the 'tween set & dirty old men. Scent - it should probably smell something similar to Love's Baby Soft given their fanbase but in reality, it's probably a mixture of cigarette smoke, cigarette breath, vomit (for the diagnosed eating disorder), and Starbucks coffee breath.
Bonus gift w/purchase: a shitty, overpriced "homeless chic" wardrobe courtesy of the first homeless person you mug outside of Macys.
5) Britney Spears - Curious, Fantasy. The commercials for Curious began running again around Christmas this year. I can only imagine that the manufacturer is 1) trying to cash in on some hot Britney nostalgia (if anyone has any left) or 2) trying to unload major inventory. The Curious commercial has the old hot Britney in it just as she was beginning her downward spiral. She was no longer a virgin, but not yet crotch-baring trash. I could almost see being Curious. They should rename the fragrance " there's nothing left, curiosity satisfied". Fantasy came out when she was knocked up with the first kid. The commercial for this fragrance has K-Fed as cupid and her running her pregnant belly through the woods. Yeah, he was shooting "arrows" alright. The only person who had a chance to experience anything close to a fantasy was K-Fed. I doubt that by buying this fragrance I would suddenly be plunged into a forest of woodland creatures, a Ferrari, zero responsibilities and all of the free designer sweats, cornrows, and record deals that I could ever want. Scent - car leather (from having her nether regions come into contact with the finest Bentley leather), breast milk and bubble gum.
Bonus gift w/purchase: your choice of Sean Preston, Jayden James or K-Fed.
6) Paula Abdul - I believe it's still unnamed since it's still in the works. Target customer - some ass-kissing American Idol wannabe that will bathe in it prior to an American Idol tryout while wearing Paula's QVC jewelry line in the hopes that they get to meet Paula, she gets a whiff of it and says the magical words " you're going to Hollywood!" while sipping Coca-Cola and clapping like a mental patient. This sentence was brought to you by Coca-Cola. Scent - kitty litter, dog food (she has multiple dogs), Coca- Cola, vomit (from that pesky ongoing battle with bulimia), and Randy Jackson pheromones that will say encouraging things like, "Yeah, dog!"
Bonus gift w/purchase: a Lakers uniform, M.C. Skat Kat and the saleswoman will applaud like a mental patient (a la Paula) when you buy it.
7) Christina Aguilera - Like Paula Abdul's fragrance, I believe that it's still unnamed. Suggested name - Beautiful... no really, as long as you don't look like me, you really are beautiful! Target customer - drag queens. Beaten with an ugly stick drag queens. Scent - peroxide, whatever ass-baring leather chaps smell like, dirt, green tea (so you can drink this fragrance for days that you're trying to recover from screaming at the top of your lungs).
Bonus gift w/purchase: Your choice of skunk colored extensions similar to the ones that she wore in her "Drrty" video or the classier Jean Harlow eyebrow stencil set and Marilyn Monroe wig (for days when you're having an image crisis and can't decide who you want to be), plus a Gloria Steinem/Betty Friedan book so that you can develop a real sense of feminism and not subscribe to Christina's Sex & the City/L'il Kim feminist logic.
Self-promoting celebrities are So Unpretty...
3 comments:
OMG. It took me a few days to read through this... but it's gold! Pure gold!
Miz- you are great!! I just ran out of the office to tell Flip Flop she has to read this.
Thanks! You just made my day. I was beginning to think that I put all that effort into a post that was never going to be read.
This is great! I do love the smell of tanning oil, which makes me curious about Paris' scent.
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