Are you kidding me?

I'm sure that you've seen the 99 f---- commercials for the Tara Connor ( a.k.a. no beauty pageant queen has been this disgraced since Vanessa Williams) & Matt Lauer interview that's supposed to air on Thursday morning on the Today show. But, tonight I saw that Tara Connor is supposed to be interviewed on The Insider with -you guessed it - Mr. Pat " let's do some coke, call a hooker, have sex" O'Brian! What the hell were they thinking?!

I was going to have a hard enough time watching this stupid interview with Matt Lauer (I pray that he sports his "interview casual" look with sockless loafers a la Britney Spears interview) and taking it seriously. But, Pat O'Brian? Really? No one thought that this could make for a very interesting situation?

I can see it now. Tara's going to be sobbing ( somehow she manages to do it without ruining her makeup or having a single tear fall) and Pat O'Brian's going to be asking questions like, "so, uh, drugs are bad, huh? Like really bad? Like, so bad it's good kinda bad? Er, uh, I mean, you want to get some hookers? Er, I mean....you're fully recovered, right? You've realized the error of your ways, right?" I wonder how many takes it took to film this interview so that Pat could stick to the interview questions.

Gosh, what I wouldn't do to be a fly on the coke-dusted coffee table of that green room. Actually, I know what I would have to do to be in that room and on second thought, nevermind......

I Heart The Killers

great news ya'll!

my favorite mormon, brandon flowers, is bringing the magic back to our town on april 27th at the tweeter.

for those of you who have never seen them live, you have no idea what a great concert you are missing out on. me and flip saw them last fall in atlantic city and we had an amazing time (and may i add the quality inn we stayed at that night was TOP NOTCH...hardly any hookers).

speaking of flip, the same night of the killers concert also happens to be her birthday eve. coincidence? i think not. i bet she cries when they play "when you were young". and i shall laugh.

so, who's in?

News From Dr. Whiz

another one of sounpretty's s.u.s.o.'s (sounpretty silent observers)has made my morning.

enjoy, courtesy of dr. whiz (aka the best law student in the world).

all shook up

Find of a decade.

This weekend I was with my aunt in DC, and we went to a consignment shop that she has raved about for years. And what to my wondering eye did appear, but a pair of Tod's driving moccasins in size seven (perfect for me), never-before-worn, and HUH?!? Only TEN BUCKAROOS?

Now, I know from experience that I am not preppy enough by a mile to ever wear these bad boys. But finding a pair of Tod's 97% off (yes, they normally run $300-$400) was out of control. So I called the smallest-footed preps that I know, and I found a taker. Congrats, Jen McG!

(These aren't the exact ones, but they are close enough. The ones I got have a slot, not a tie.)

How can he?

How can he say, "we don't know it will work until we try it?" when 21,000 more (American) lives hang in the balance?

Please Mr. Bush, stop accusing "the Dems" of not coming up with a better plan. Because there was a better plan, commissioned by you... the Iraq Study Group, remember? You just chose to ignore what they had to tell you because you didn't like what you heard.

Happy Monday.

AI is back! ...And I'm not talking about Allen Iverson

i'm talking about American Idol, biatch. to be honest, i have not watched AI since the first season, when i had an unexplainable crush on (and i'm not proud of this) justin "don't call me michael jackson" guarini. i lost interest in year 2 and couldnt be bothered with it at all years 3, 4 and 5. but now, in its 6th year, i strangely find myself intrigued again...is it the fact that its integrity has been renewed with the unbridled success of idol alums such as kelly clarkson, jennifer hudson and clay gaiken? who knows. maybe i'm just lame and have nothing to do not one, but two nights a week except watch moron after moron embarrass themselves.

and i'm also secretly obsessed with watching the demise of paula abdul. she should have just stuck to dancing and singing with cartoon characters because judging a singing contest has turned her into a junkie.

there...you had the appetizer and entree of this post, and now for dessert...

the title of tonight's larry king live was: "AMERICAN IDOL STARS AND LOSERS!" go LK, go LK, go.

check, please.

Getting Drunk with your Dog is Fun

my dog can now get drunk with me. we've reached an all time low.

when future generations look back on our great achievements, this surely will be one of them: Happy Tale Ale (this isnt a joke).

at first it'll be cute and fun, watching sadie girl lap it up out of beer stein at parties. people will point and chuckle and tell me how this is one of the funniest things they've ever seen.

then, i'll come home one day and sadie will be hitting the bottle without me. she'll sleep all day and drink all night. i'll start finding little flasks tucked in her dog toy bin. she'll bark and bite my brother when he comes over to take her for her daily walk. he'll quit. she'll get fat from all the carbs and no walks and then drink even more because she's depressed about her weight. chris and i will try everything to help her, but she will just lash out at us.

and then we will make history by opening the first ever Doggy Rehab Center. Sadie Grace will become like the Betty Ford of the pooch community. she'll be an inspiration to millions of alcoholic canines everywhere. she'll write books, do the talk show circuit and pretty soon, have her very own talk show.

yes, she truly will have made a difference. and i obviously need help.

The Cure for a Hangover

no diggity, no doubt, the best cure for a bad hangover is this:

1. no less than 4 ibuprofen
2. wild cherry pepsi
3. at least 6 hours of E!, vh1, or Bravo
4. and last but certainly not least: bad, greasy, fast food.

i also believe that certain types of hangovers call for a specific chain.

for instance, after a night of drinking mostly beer with a few shots thrown in here and there-TACO BELL. I recommend the nachos supreme and a hard taco supreme.

if you have a wino hangover hit up pizza hut and soak up that wine in your tum tum with cheese breadsticks.

And if you are nursing a liquor hangover and IF you can keep food down, try McD's 2 cheeseburger meal. now, this one is tricky because the fuckers at corporate thought it was a brilliant idea to take the most popular meal off the menu, which means the success of ordering it depends on two things: your ability to do so in a state of hangover pains and #2. the cashier person and their mood that day. good luck.

They Say Its My Birthday

well, as many of you know, the 18th was my b-day. big plans were made by flip flop girl and many others to really celebrate and get down last week, but god thought it better to strike me down with the mother of all sinus infections and alas, i spent last friday night alone, wallowing in my own misery and mucus.

however, J.C. must be in a better mood now, because i feel better and tonight, i'm told we are going to try this again.

beono-i'm so pissed you can't be there, but i understand. work first. friends second...that's cool. (just kidding).

hope anyone that reads this, knows they are more than welcome to join us. i believe we are starting at alfa (17th & Walnut Sts.) who knows where the night may take us.

speaking of birthdays...in a couple of months, so unpretty turns ONE! i can't believe we've been bitching, teasing, laughing, complaining, rambling and raving for 12 months. surely, that calls for a celebration. more to come as we get closer to april so stay posted.

Burrr, Baby, Burrrr!

i think the term "wind chill factor" was coined for dramatic people like me. it's not enough if you know the ACTUAL temperature so that you can complain about how cold it is...no. it's much more satisfying to say, "you know, even though its 35 degrees..." and then exclaim "they say the wind chill factor is 25!"

does ten degrees really make an effing difference once you are below 65 degrees? yes. of course it does.

p.s. my entire life and right up until i wrote this post, i thought weathermen and everyone was always saying WINDSHIELD FACTOR. thank you so unpretty for finally making me learn that i am in fact an idiot and the word is WIND CHILL. it has nothing to do with motor vehicles.

Walt Disney is a Jerk.

Yesterday, I was waiting in a video editing suite while a kind young man made copies of a tape for me. I noticed that the waiting area was decorated with various movie posters, including vintage ones from Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White. Every single poster ended with, "and the prince found her....and they lived happily ever after." My favorite though, was Cinderella: "The prince found her, married her, and she lived happily ever after."

I loved these movies as much as the next little girl, but I think in my high-heeled, full-suited, low-caffeine, no-food, angry, over-worked haze, I was enraged. Beanorama reminded me that these movies have been re-written and Mulan is a crazy, powerful gal, but I was annoyed. So many of the Disney classics are not nice to working women.

"And then, the princess found her boyfriend on a couch with a beer and wings, married him, and they lived happily ever after...."

Yucka!

AllTheRage just ate one of these:

How did it taste? And what did you get in compensation?

Word 'em up, part tres.

I really enjoy the word copacetic, which per dictionary.com, means:

fine; completely satisfactory; OK

Why do I likey? First of all, it's just a soothing definition. Second of all, the last time I heard this word used in a sentence it was from a most surprising source:

I ran into a friend of my highschool/college boyfriend. I hadn't seen his rugged self in years. (Side story: one of our Unpretty commenters kissed, then subsequently almost killed this guy with benadryl in highschool. Then this guy dated and cheated on another friend of mine.) ANYway, when I ran into him, he was working in a store, but said he was getting a job with an environmental firm "that made sure all new building projects were copacetic."

His use of that word transformed him into a hot, cheating regular guy to being a hot, cheating interesting, smart guy.

I think things could be a little more copacetic around here, if you ask me. Peace out man, I'm feeling copacetic... I'm out.

Ouch

things that hurt...

1. stepmothers (the ones around your fingernails-not the ones that marry your father and beat you)
2. paying bills (goodbye paycheck, hello brokeback checkbook)
3. watching a britney spears interview
4. watching the eagles lose (i love you trotter and westbrook)
5. my feet in anything other than flats (sorry obnoxious building engineer who thinks i look great in a "liddle bit uva heel")
6. stockings that are too tight
7. sinus infections (as in the one i had on birthday...thanks god.)
8. turning 27 (three years from 30-yikes!)
9. getting scratched by your friend's hyperactive dogs
10. listening to 333s (sorry to those of you who do not know what that means-you're the lucky ones-trust me)

Yabbadabbazooey!

Remember when we reviewed the most depressing movie ever, starring Zooey Deschanel? Well I am happy to report that Zooey will be back in our lives, filming "The Gospel According To Janis" in Philadelphia for the next six months. I have a weird, indie, depressing crush on Zooey and I hope I see her.

Both Pink and Britney were supposed to be Janis. Pink, as she is from Philly, would be an interesting chouce, but she pretty much seems to have it together. Britney, on the other hand, is destroying herself just like Janis did, except she is using her awful judgement and naked puseta instead of heroin.

How could I miss it?

Last night, TBS showed me a Sex and The City that I must have missed the first time around-- when Berger (who was always douchey) broke up with Carrie on a post it note. And she runs into his friends at Bed... she promises herself she will take the high road and be cool. Unfortunately she gets all angry on them-- and reminds me scarily of myself. Yikesabee!

What a fucking hilarious episode. Carrie got arrested for smoking pot!

And I think Ayoki from a certain commercial is in it too...

And Miranda's jeans popped -- just like mine.

What I Learned After Breaking Down on Rt. 90 in Pennsauken, NJ

so sunday night, popsie (an S.S.U.F.-silent so unpretty fan) and I were driving home after a long afternoon of buying crap we don't need in Cherry Hill, NJ, when something happened to me that has never happened before. we broke down.

we were about to cross over to philly from the dark side when we had to pull over to the side of route 90, just before the betsey ross bridge tolls because get this-popsie's car would not stop accelerating, despite the fact that he was pounding on the brakes!

oddly enough, we were both extremely calm, given that we were charging at racecar speed towards the toll boothes.

although it was a fucked up way to end a perfectly fine weekend, i must say i learned a lot...including but not limited to:

1. its possible to stop an out of control motor vehicle by throwing it in to park and pulling on the emergency brake (sure the motor nearly caught on fire when we did this, but at least we stopped)

2. its always a good idea to keep a cell phone charger in your car at all times (we both had cell phones-it is 2007 after all- however, that was as helpful as having a wampum belt because both of our batteries were dead)

3. its good to have patience...or at least speak Indian (because that was the first language of the person who assisted us when we were able to contact All State Roadside Assistance)

4. breaking down in freezing cold weather may suck, but boy does it keep you alert and focused on the task at hand

5. the DRPA admin building is never locked, guarded or protected by anyone. you can come and go as you please. you can even raid their kitchen (p.s. their vending machine riz-ocked; they had ONE DOLLAR BARS which were delicious)

6. tow truck drivers hate the people they have to help (two reasons: #1 they hate dealing with boneheads who have no idea what to do and #2, they have to come from their nice warm houses where they were watching football and drinking beer until All State called them and told them they had to come get your sorry, frozen ass)

p.s. shout out to Toll Booth Lady who let us borrow her gross, but fully charged cell phone-it meant the world to us. we'd also like to thank the country of India for making 24 hour assistance possible. last, but certainly not least, we'd like to thank the person who is in charge of stocking the vending machine at DRPA-you RULE!

Stedman Graham, guest speaker? I hope he's going to tell me how to become Oprah's bitch

For a few years now, it's been kind of a Quizzo level question: What is it exactly that Stedman Graham does? I've heard that he's like a guest speaker or something vague like that. This made-up career doesn't surprise me because it seems as though behind every successful famous woman; if she's not with someone who's equally famous; than her spouse/partner/significant other has some invented career, some vague title or has made a hobby out of doing what he does best.

A few examples:
Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Philippe (sometimes actor)
Britney & K-Fed (rapper?)
Martha Stewart & ex-husband (philanderer - this is an example of a hubby making a hobby out of what he does best)
Halle Berry & Eric Benet (philanderer, sometimes singer)


Well, I recently found out that Stedman does in fact offer guest speaking appearances. His full humbling title is : educator, author, businessman, entrepreneur and speaker. Not only does he do guest speaking appearances but he charges a lot to make an appearance! What, does Oprah not give you enough of an allowance? AND, there are women that come out in droves to hear him speak! I can't imagine what the hell he could possibly talk about.

Stedman - unless you're going to give me some earth-shattering advice about how a few minutes of "quality time" can provide me a lifetime of financial peace of mind, (i.e: to be in his situation) - I'm not giving you any of my hard-earned cash.

*Warning: Reading this may cause you to throw up a bit in your mouth

I don't know if you've been keeping up with the Surreal Life's Fame Games on VH1, but judging from the commercials,Brigitte Nielsen & Ron Jeremy are going to become a couple from this latest Surreal Life season. At this point, this coupling has to be an excuse for these 2 D-listers to extend their 7 1/2 minutes of fame. I mean, what else could explain it? They know that if they can at least get onto the Surreal Life, develop a "romance" on that show that VH1 will most likely offer them their own reality spin-off show to see how the romance develops.

I don't know about you, but I'm undecided about which pairing makes me gag more. So, the poll of today is:

Which Brigitte Nielsen pairing is more disgusting?
A) 20 foot-tall Amazonian, hard-drinking, chain-smoking Brigitte Nielsen and Crypt-Keeper resembling, horned hat wearing Flavor Flav?

B) 20 foot-tall Amazonian, hard-drinking, chain-smoking Brigitte Nielsen and old, gross, washed-up porn star Ron Jeremy (who probably is missing a good portion of his length because 1) he can't see over his fat gut or 2) he's lost most of it to disease)?

Yo, Adrienne!

the first 56 times i saw this commercial, the only thing that captivated me was the size of the caveman's teeth and how funny it was when he said the word "smart". but just tonight i noticed something else-is that friggin talia shire from rocky in the role of the condescending therapist???

BEST SNL OPENER EVER!

oh, jake. only you could don a dress and a wig, sing the gayest song ever, and still be the hottest thing alive!

Honey, Can You Scratch My Giant Head?

So, last night, I went to Edward Scissorhands at the Academy last night and it was great-you should def go see it before it leaves Philly on the 24th.

And so much the better for you if you do go and you don't have to sit behind these two boneheads.

Good grief. She scratched his giant head for a solid 17 minutes during intermission.

I'm surprised he didnt lick his own balls afterwards... ... (more)

Effing Squirrel Saga Continues.

Well, two days went by since I sent an irritated email to my landlord. I heard nothing back. Last night, the sound of squirrel scratching was unbearable and I was filled with annoyance at my airhead of a landlord. I left a scathing message on her annoying valley girl voicemail.

Finally, at 2pm today (three days after my first email) I get this:

From: [redacted]
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2007 1:54 PM
To: [beanorama]
Subject: RE: The animal is back and more

I made appointment with exterminator for Monday afternoon. Thank you

I'm sorry, that is just not acceptable. She ignored all my other concerns. So I sent this:

From: [Beanorama]
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2007 2:06 PM
To: [redacted]
Subject: RE: The animal is back and more

Please respond on the other issues I’ve listed as well. And I request follow-up on that exterminator appointment. I want to know if they checked out both buildings and COMPLETED the job. It has been FOUR months. Is my recourse to withhold next month’s rent?

And my landlord, who clearly doesn't bother to read my questions, writes me back:

From: [redacted]
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2007 2:12 PM
To: [Beanorama]
Subject: RE: The animal is back and more

A work order was already submitted.

So... that was the last straw. Here is my latest bitchy response. I can't stand these people. I write:

[Redacted], you are not being clear. Is the work order for the lock, the light, and the exterminator? And will I hear back from the exterminator?

I will be withholding rent until the squirrel infestation is cleared.

Ooooohh, tough girl. Scared of squirrels.

Must. See. Silver. Lining.

If there's anyone that does not live or work in Philly that loves the fair city more than me, please tell me now. My best friend has shown me the wonder and greatness that is the city of brotherly love and I truly feel that it loves me back.

Until this morning.

Last night, I drove up to have dinner with my boyfriend and parked on a street that I have parked on before and never had any issues. I did note, however, that another street that I usually park on had two cars with their windows shattered. Something was afoot.....

Anyway, when I walked to my car this morning I was annoyed because it had snowed and iced over the windshields and I was not looking forward to the scrape-off. As I approached my car, I was stunned to realize it was without a license plate. Yes, that's right, my license plate was stolen last night.

I am furious. And scared. Although one of my best friends was doubled over in laughter about it this morning....

I am waiting patiently for Officer Gibson of the Philadelphia Police Department to call me back before I can go down to the Delaware DMV and wait for a new t-tag. Awesome. What a great f*cking day.

Edward Scissorhands, the Musical? I don't think that they get it

I must admit that I'm a bit biased against musicals. Ok, I ABSOLUTELY hate them. Except for Chicago (the movie version). Like, how much of a chick do you have to be to like that crap? But this latest musical takes the cake. The Academy of Music is showing Edward Scissorhands the musical. The only way that Tim Burton must've signed off on this is if he were offered a fat paycheck so that he can continue to make more dark comedy movies. Here's the description of the musical:

"A magical new adaptation of the classic Tim Burton motion picture Edward Scissorhands. A treat for the whole family, this touching and witty gothic fairytale tells the story of a boy created by an eccentric inventor who dies leaving him alone and unfinished. Left with only scissors for hands, Edward must find his place in a strange new suburban world where the well-meaning community around him struggles to see past his appearance to the innocence and gentleness within."

Magical? Treat for the whole family? Really, that's how they would describe it? I'm starting to wonder if the creators of this musical saw the same movie that I did. Tim Burton's movie offered a very sobering look at '60s suburbia- small minded, similar thinking & looking people that were at first initially impressed with someone who was different from them but in the end, they were frightened of anyone who was different than they were. So much so, that they ran Edward out of town and were calling for his death. Ouch.

Yet somehow, someone saw that movie & said to themselves "that would be a great musical". Some things just need to stay as they were intended instead of insisting that everything needs to be all happy "Disney"-esque.

Pourable Benefiber: This could make for a very cruel joke

Has anyone seen the new Benefiber ads? If you have, you know about the new changes that they've made to their product. I guess these changes are great if you're like, 75. Maybe it's just the 12 yr.old summer overnight camp side of me, but I think that these new changes will make a great product to use as a practical joke. Check out the "benefits".

Sugar Free (for carb counters or diabetics!)

Flavor Free (so you'll never detect it!)

Great For Cooking (you can bake someone a diarrhea pie!)

Dissolves Completely in Beverages and Soft Foods (Hey, look twice before you accept that drink!)

I think that this is worse than slipping someone a "mickey". At least then, you may only be violated/mugged/beaten up and have no recollection of it. But if somone slips you some "bene", I'll bet you'll remember that for a long time...

Freshman Year Roommate: Beanorama's Story

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get bloggy with it and tell us your horror of horrors--- tell us about your college roommate freshman year. And for those of you lucky enough not to have a funny story... well, bullly for you.

Disclaimer: I was a pretty cranky freshman gal, so I wonder if my memories are colored by chemical imbalance.

On move-in day, in a tiny cell, one of the beds was crooked... out into the foot-wide space between the two beds. Why? Oh, because roomie's mother thought we would have bad feng-shui if we had too many straight lines.

She would change into the same pajamas--sans unders--every night. That's semi weird. Weirder still-- she rolled up the worn unders and put them back in the drawer. Yup. That's right.

She had Renaissance dresses hanging in the closet.

She wore said dress on a bus trip up to Vermont to go to a ye olde Renaissance Faire. She was on the bus all day. She never made it to ye olde Faire.

She woke up at night, coughing so hard she gagged, over and over. She grabbed the phone and said she was calling 911 because of the coughing. I talked her out of it. In the mornin' I told her what happened. She had no recollection.

She cried, because she got her braces off... and she was sad because she didn't recognize herself.

She said the word Dad like this "Dhzad!"

She told her bro on the phone that she couldn't wait to "hug you and squeeze you and hold you and ..."

One night, she went out, as most college kids do. She had one beer. She came home and said, "Well, I can now say I've done the whole 'college drinking thing.' " Wow.

She didn't like the bookshelf she bought-- it was too small. So she bought another, which went on our shared dresser over the mirror. She didn't like that one, so she bought a tall one. Then, she had to move Bookshelf #1 so she could fit #3 in. Bookshelf #1 moved to the side of the bed, in the aforementioned 1 foot spot between the beds... making it more like 6 inches.

Every morning, she (and therefore I) woke up to the lovely voice of Gloria Gaynor singing "I Am What I Am." (What? Do I get no r.e.s.p.e.c.t.?)

Beat that.

Coolest. Search Engine. Ever.

Ms. Dewey

Tone Loc will be excited...

...because he loves local newscasters. 6ABC is bringing back Lisa Thomas-Laury. She's been gone for 38 months fighting a neurological disease (hello, Paula Abdul).

Does anyone remember the commercial for 6ABC where there is a couple in the hospital that just had quints, and they don't know what to name them. Then, the couple sees 6ABC News... and they decide to name the kids: "Lisa, Thomas, Laury, Marc, Howard!"

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Happy Birthday, to our collective Mother!

Happy Birthday to our Founding Mother, Unusual Suspect! Even though you won't let me eat my fart-smelling egg salad, and you address doctors as "Doctor," I wish you a 19th birthday that is full of glee.

You is real nice.

Life Comes at You Fast

While I have been informed by a certain light-footed hypochondriac that this is old news, I am posting anyway. (Don't have a hissy fit in your doorway again, please.)

Britney Spears asked to be in an NFL commercial during the Super Bowl and was rejected. They apparently think she is a "train wreck" (see pic). Instead, they hired Paris Hilton, a regular paradigm of morality and virtue.

Anyway, K-Fed is going to be in a Nationwide "Life comes at you fast" commercial. It will start with him in a rap video surrounded by girls, and then cut to him working in a fast food restaurant. I think the idea is funny, but I am really over the both of them.

This is most likely the only thing about the Super Bowl this year that I will care about. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Jmoney, wasn't Fabio in one of these Nationwide commercials? Insurace, romance novels, faux butter. Is there anything he can't do?

Everybody loves sad marriage.

Everybody Loves Raymond was on for like, 11 seasons, and well, everybody loves it. I have caught a few reruns, and I have to admit... I kind of love it. But at the same time, wow... what a depressing show. If there wasn't a laugh track, this would be a tragedy, not a comedy. Patricia (or whatever her fake name is, oh yea, Debra, that's right) is almost always feeling unfulfilled. Raymond is almost always not giving her what she needs. It's scarily just like what I always fear marriage would be like. And we are supposed to feel better by the end of the show because they hug at the end? Ouch.

Everybody loves laughing at husbands and wives that are bored with each other. :(

Sex and the Time Machine?

I am a cliche of a 26 year old woman, let's just get that out of the way: I love Sex and the City. I am sad it is gone. I miss Carrie, Miranda... hell I even miss Stanford Blatch. I watch the watered-down reruns on TBS. But last night's rerun brought up something that has troubled me before:

It's the episode where Carrie has her first date with Berger (who I never liked, BTW). She is running down the street, and sees Aidan, who turns around... and has a baby strapped to his front. Imagine Carrie's surprise. Aidan has a baby. Aidan is married.

Whaaa? I know TV is fantasty, but the chronology here is fucked. Remember that Carrie and Aidan broke up. Remember Carrie had the run in with Nina "the face," who turns out to be Aidan's ex. Remember that run-in prompts Carrie to ask Steve how Aidan was after the break up, and Steve tells Carrie Aidan couldn't get out of bed for a month after the breakup.

OK. Let's do the math. Break-up plus one month recovery time plus one summer when Carrie is in the Hamptons = Aidan is married with a baby? Me no think so.

I even had to call ALG to confirm. Without even having watched the episode, she had total recall... she even remembered how Carrie said "Oh Aidan..." ALG was equaly as pissed and confused as I.

Conflating time is not my idea of a good time.

PS This image is from the scene itself.

Adventures in High-Rise Apartment Living, Part III: Moving Out

Well, as some of you may know, the hubby and I recently purchased a house. A few weeks ago, when asked what I wanted for my birthday, I jokingly replied that I wanted a house. It looks as though that dream has come true for better or worse. Pretty soon, I will be dragged off kicking & screaming to the 'burbs (it's about 15 minutes outside of the city) and spending my weekends at Home Depot after living in our concrete paradise for the past 2 1/2 years. For the few remaining months, I'm going to have to live my cosmopolitan city lifestyle to the hilt!

However, fear not - I will continue to post about the daily, sometimes funny, scenarios & people that I encounter. There are many more stories involving such characters as My Quiet Chain-Smoking Drunk Next Door Neighbor, The Cambodian Who Lets Her Kids Play in The Hallway, The Ambiguously Gay Security Guard, Crazy Cat Lady, The Brochure Says 24 hour Security, But They're Only Awake for 8 Hours Security Team, The Cat that lives in My Garage, What To Do When You Live in Center City, Work in Center City, the Shuttle Bus Breaks Down & You are Within Walking Distance of Your Job, When PDA turns into Dry Humping on the Shuttle, Resident Vigilante Justice, The World's Friendliest Custodian and numerous others.

Also, I'm sure that while I'm in the process of moving & once I have moved, I'll have plenty of Tales from the Suburbs to write about. I already have a Moving Tips series that I'm thinking about.

Moving Tip #1 - when moving out of your house, prior to putting it on the market, make sure that you double check everything & that your entire house is clean. That includes making sure that there's not a feminine product laying on the kitchen floor.

Moving Tip #2 - when you encounter a nosey ass neighbor while you're doing your home inspection, don't brush him off, he may be trying to tell you that your soon-to-be purchased dream house is built on an old Native American burial ground/possessed by poltergeists or anything else that may resemble something from the Amityville Horror movie.

Sigh...

Being an adult.....is So Unpretty

And the winner is...

If you didn't know, there is an ongoing popularity contest between the broads of SoUnpretty and the Testosteronies of our brother blog, What the F Philly. In the latest battle, "The Battle of the Profile Views," the ladies won. (Of course we won. I wouldn't have posted this otherwise.)

In a brilliant display of my time-wasting skills, I have calculated the average number of profile views for all the contributors to each site... even the lame ducks like WordsRUs.

Grand Totals:
What the F Philly: 53.16 profile views
So Unpretty: 135.75 profile views

Boo ya!

Just for the record (and because it makes me look good) the MVP of WTF is jmoneymadskillz, with 95 profile views. Beanorama (yup, that's me) comes in big with 293.

Amen, my sistahs.

Yes, They Look Like Little Butts.....

....but I love chickpeas. I once remarked to one of my best friends that I had never met a chickpea that I didn't like. In terms of cuisine, they are used in hummus (awesome), a multitude of Moroccan foods (tagines, anyone?), and of course, are part of my workplace's bangin' salad bar.

And they pack a wollop in the protein department, which is very important for ladies.

And men, I suppose.

(Is this ok, Unus? Beanorama?)

If your name is Silent O, then you've got good taste.

I have this friend. Let's call him Silent Observer, or Silent O for short. Yes, Silent O does read Unpretty. No, Silent O does not comment-- he is "too cool." Anyway, Silent O has made it known that he has a thing-- or shall we say, fetish-- for Dolce & Gabbana's perfume, Light Blue. I believe he even bought it for his new g.f.

Somewhere along the way, someone explained Light Blue to me as the perfume "all the Italian girls wear." I'm not sure if Silent O likes Italian girls and therefore likes the perfume that they all wear, or if all the Italian girls in D-Ware heard Silent O likes the perfume, so they ran out and bought it to attract his Manliness. (I'm guessing it's the second one, as Silent O is a handsome guy.)

Either way, today I was purchasing some makeup today and I saw the bottle. Out of curiousity I gave myself a little spray spray. I was expecting to smell spaghetti and gondolas and gladiators, but oh no-- Light Blue smells like citrus and sunshine! Delicious! Silent O, you have done it again: shocked and awed and impressed me. You rule.

(And shout out to ALG for coming up with the most appropriate nickname that ever lived.)

Are the homeless getting busy?

Two days ago I was walking to work, and I had to do a little hop, skip and jump to avoid a used condom on the sidewalk. Not a pleasant way to start my day, but oh well. This morning, however, on another block, I saw another one! Then, two steps later, a wrapped one!

Which leads me to wonder... are these rubbers falling out of trash bags, somehow? Or are people leaving the bars too eager to make the beast with two backs to wait until they get home? Or are homeless people getting busy on the streets in the still of the night?

And if it is homeless people-- huzzah that they are using protection! At least I know when they harass me for 50 cents it's for a good time, not just booze.

(PS I yelled at two bums this weekend. Good times.)

I'm over it before it even starts

So, unless you've been living under a rock, you know that the latest season of American Idol is cranking up. I don't know about you, but I've never been a fan of the show. I don't mind the idol stars themselves(Kelly Clarkson is amazing), I just can't take the endless commercials of the same ol', same ol'. You know, some hapless, hopeless aspiring person wailing their ass off only to have Simon Cowell give some tired retort. Every time a commercial comes on, I have to go running for the remote to turn the volume down. As the season progresses, there will be footage of Simon & Randy fighting, Paula clapping like a mental patient, rows & rows of Coca-Cola cups, and Ryan Seacrest checking his hair. Plus, it's on like, 5 nights a week. When it's not a new show, it's a repeat of a previous episode.

Unfortunately, this show is such a ratings monster that even other networks will advertise the show. For instance, it was featured on the Today show this morning. So that means I have to see the blooper reels on NBC too. I guess the real reason that I'm upset about the show is that Fox has some other great shows (the Simpsons, 24, Family Guy, and Prison Break), that I'd rather see aired just as frequently as they air American Idol.

Yeah, dog!

Here's Looking at You, Jake

um...yeah.

ladies (and gents): i give you for your viewing pleasure, a picture of Jake from the 2007 Golden Globes.

enjoy. talk to him...pretend he can hear you and see you and then go ahead and kiss his face. just make sure no one is around when you do it. because only then will you feel completely insane and stupid...but, hey---that's love.

p.s. honorable mentions: JT, Leo, Sawyer from LOST and Zach Braff. well done fellas. you all looked hot, but, there's just something jake's got that you don't: my heart.

p.s.s. shout out to my husband :)

Is this harsh?

Am I a bitch? This is the latest in my squirrel saga with my airhead landlord:

Dear [REDACTED]:
Four things:

1) I hate to tell you this, but there is at least one squirrel still up there. I hear it from time to time. When I had heard from the exterminator, he said he still had to check to see if the other building to see if there was a hole there. Did he ever do that? You’ll have to send him back.

2) I had mentioned to you that despite having changed the bulb, the light in my bathroom won’t go on. It still won’t. Can you get an electrician in there?

3) My bottom lock of my front door doesn’t work, all of a sudden.

4) If you send anyone, let me know ahead of time. They need to know I have a kitten that likes to run out the door.

All I want is for my effing landlord to reply and get rid of the SQUIRRELS!

Paula Abdul - What is she smokin'???

I feel kind of bad bacause I hear she has a neurological problem... and I saw her at Live 8 and she certainly seemed like she did... she was very floppy. But doesn't she have a publicist to stop train wrecks like this?

Reese Wears Divorce Well

wowsers. never thought ms. witherspoon was one to woof at, but ever since she lost 180 lbs (ryan phillipe) this southern bell has been ding-donging.

rock on reese...you are a piece.

Some Kids Should Stay Kidnapped

i am perplexed by an interview i just saw on the today show. it was 5 or 6 minutes of meredith vierra awkwardly trying to interview a 13 year old boy with his family, after he had been kidnapped for four days. now, i never been kidnapped (or so my mom says) but there was definitely something wrong with this kid and i'm pretty sure it was not a result of this napping. he emitted craziness like britney emits stupidity. it was very norman bate-esque. i dont think he was kidnapped at all. i think it was voluntary. and my suspicion was confirmed when i learned that when police rescued him, they also found another boy, a 15 year old who had been kidnapped FOUR YEARS ago. this boy seemed just as nuts. they were acting like they had just come back from the playboy mansion; not rescued from the lair of insane person. both of them were laughing and smurking at the press conferences and saying sarcastic answers to reporters' questions. seemed both boys had multiple opportunities to escape or at least contact the police, but failed to do so for some bizarre reason...

the today show must have known that they seemed weird too because then they had some some bonehead fbi profiler dispense some explanation as to why the boys were acting like it was no big deal.

freak kids---so unpretty.

This ain't your momma's newscaster

Last week, NBC was celebrating their 50 years of broadcast television history. During the usual reminiscent clips, they showed some milestones, what was happening politically & culturally, and tragic times in our nation's history. As usual, they brought up some of the great anchors that brought us the news: Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Ted Koppel, Jim Lehrer and the like. Maybe it's just me, but I never understood how sappy & emotional older people get over these newscasters. They've always seemed old & pompous. I mean, come on, they're just reading from the Tele-E-Prompter like anyone else; they're not making the news! Maybe they were so wonderful because they were the first TV stars, back when TV was all shiny and new. I picture these guys behaving like Ron Burgundy when the cameras aren't on.

Then, I thought about our generation and how we'll look back on our newscasters when we're older. However, I think that our generation's idea of a great newscaster is going to be radically different from our parents or grandparents. We've grown up in an era where we're more likely to get our news from the Daily Show, the Colbert Report or a Saturday Night live skit. This is primarily because we see that generation of news reporting for what it is - some stuffy old guy telling you what the news is with an unwavering view from the Tele-E-Prompter and not questioning what's put in front of him. Just like what Ron Burgundy would do (Go f--- yourselves, San Diego!).

Today's great newscasters lead spirited political debates with guests and aren't afraid to offer a satirical look at the "news". So I guess my point is, before we develop cataracts & are unable to view our super HD plasma TV's several years from now, let's recognize the cool, soon-to-be great newscasters that we currently have and finally close the book on the network news past because if I have to watch one more retrospective on how Katie Couric is a sign of changing network news times; I'm going to scream.

Thank You, Mr. President

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about "thanking my lucky oil drills" for our region's ongoing warm temperatures. However, I feel that I need to write a post that reconfirms that 1) I'm a Democrat through & through. So much so, that I would bleed blue if you were to cut me (please don't; I have a low threshold for pain) & 2) I think that Ann Coulter's persistent popularity & the public's view of her as a Republican party spokeswoman & bestselling novels is far more toxic & indicative of society's downward spiral than Paris Hilton's popularity. The most offensive thing that Paris Hilton has ever said? "That's hot." Paris uses that to describe anything from the season's latest arrivals at Kitson to the way her urine passes.

Ann Coulter? She, with her middle-age wannabe Valley Girl surgically - enhanced plain looks, is capable of spewing any number of flagrantly offensive statements. Here's a brief sample:

Environmentalism: "The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. "God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet--it's yours. That's our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars -- that's the Biblical view."
"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"

On 9/11 widows: "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis... These self-obsessed women seemed genuinely unaware that 9/11 was an attack on our nation and acted as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them... I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’
deaths so much."

On Illegal Immigrants: "I'd build a wall. In fact, I'd hire illegal immigrants to build the wall. And throw out the illegals who are here. [...] It's cheap labor.

On sexuality: "I don't know if [former U.S. President Bill Clinton is] gay. But [former U.S. Vice President] Al Gore - total fag."

I could go on & on about Ann Coulter, but she really doesn't deserve a post here or anywhere. The purpose of this post was to bring attention to the President's latest political gaffe.

As you may have heard (when the President burst into good TV night last week), the Prez plans on increasing our troop numbers (or a surge) in Iraq. For some odd reason, he has it in his head that the key to winning this war is increasing our troop numbers. Why? Because this war has proven effective so far and all it needs is additional troops to win the war. And, Dick Cheney agrees. Like he was really going to get an opposing opinion there.

In addition to the fact that this is a questionable military strategy at best, the President's insistance that he will continue to carry out his agenda regardless of how Congress votes or what Americans think is a scary thought. People, myself included, are really beginning to wonder if there's still a system of checks and balances to the President's power. Just as getting Saddam out of power/search for WMD's was a backdoor method of getting into Iraq, the current speculation is that this surge will find its way into Iran.

This latest war decision proves that while it's been a great first 15 days of 2007, 2008 can't get here soon enough.

I Love A Bunny In Uniform

sorry for the double bunny posts, but while i was looking for an image for my previous post, i found this one and just couldnt resist. i adore the retro bunny costumes from the late '70s-early-'80s. i sometimes still fantasize about what color bunny i'd be. its a toss up between the red bunny and the teel bunny.

and the best part about the costume-you must wear pumps that are an exact match to the color of your suit. awesome.

p.s. i suspect that beanorama would be the yellow bunny, flip flop girl would be the black bunny and miz cynical would be the purple bunny.

am i right or am i right?

"Did You See What Marge Was Wearing?!"

what is appropriate attire in the workplace? sure, what is appropriate and what is not appropriate is in the eye of the beholder (or more literally, in the HR handbook) and i will admit that the term "business casual" opens itself up to a little personal interpretation. but, honestly, for the most part, its just plain old fashioned common sense. there are those who dress too casual...those that dress too sloppy...and then there's my favorite: those who are dressing to bring sexy back to the 9-5 workday. personally, i never get offended if i see a tad more skin than is expected. but, its hilarious to see and hear how other, more conservative people react to those who want to show a sneak peak of their super freak. they usually start out telling you in an elated whisper what the person is wearing...then, once they see that you are confused by their enthusiasm in judging someone, they suddenly become very somber and fake a face of concern for the person. it usually ends with them shaking their heads in disappointment---as if they have been personally let down by another's poor choices when it came to deciding what to wear that day.

love it. love the sex, love the scandal, love the unwarranted and unpretty judgment. love everything.

check please.

Jack Bauer Should Just Take A Sick Day

i don't know about you, but i effing hate the show, "24". i have never even seen a single, full episode of this "run-away hit", but i just know that i hate it because i can't stand the commercials for the show. they stress me out with the shaky photography, Kiefer Sutherland running, lunging and sweating all over the place and the absolute worst part-the counting down.

and sorry if you watch and "love" the show ("24" fans can't just like the show; they LOVE the show) but i can't deal with the stress. and its annoying. how many times can kiefer save the country in a single day, man?

props to kiefer though. i do like him a lot and i'm thankful for the big screen gems he's delivered in the past...Lost Boys anyone? how about Flatliners? oh and The Vanishing. all good films, so word 'em up.

now, "I Love New York" on VH1...well, that's television at its best---retarded, brainless and absolutely hysterical; what good tv should be. so unpretty.

Someone else just got "Lanced"

I was watching E!'s " The Soup" on Friday night, and Joel Mchale confirmed what I and every other female viewer of "Prison Break" suspected - that it's star, Wentworth Miller, is gay.

Here's some excerpt from a recent interview that he did:
"No, I'm not gay," he said.
"I know these rumours are out there ... I'm cool with the fact that they exist, I mean this is about fantasy.
"Certain people are going to have certain fantasies, if someone wants to imagine me with a woman, or a man or one of each that's cool with me as long as you keep watching the show."

Unfortunately, I had to get this excerpt from Perez Hilton's website. Currently, I'm hanging my head in shame & plan on taking a nice hot shower with bleach from having to admit that I looked at that garbage. So, girls, I guess it's a done deal. Once the rumors start and the ambiguous answers to interview questions about the rumours, you can pretty much assume that the rumours are true. I don't care. I'll still watch the show because he's hot, I like looking into his smoldering eyes and because I became a fan of Wentworth shortly before Prison Break when he was in this lesser-known Nicole Kidman movie called the Human Stain.

Plus, I found out that he's biracial and he just adds to the list of beautiful celebrity biracial kids. His gorgeous face joins Halle Berry & Derek Jeter. What does that have to do with his sexuality? Absolutely nothing. I just felt like squeezing it in here.

Eau du Skank: Fragrances & the celeb whores that sell them

This week, it was announced that both Christina Aquilera & Paula Abdul were going to come up with their own fragrance. A few years ago, I knew that the going the perfume route was kinda getting out of control when Adidas & Michael Jordan respectively, came out with their own scents. These scents could be found at your finer retail stores like CVS or Kmart. I could only imagine what fragrance notes went into it - a pleasant mix of Gatorade, sweat and the tiniest amount of musk? Yuck.

In recent years, however, the latest celebrity or pop culture icon keeps throwing their hat into the ring. I've listed below the celebrity, their associated fragrance (If I know it), and the fragrance notes that I think make up their signature scent. In the instances that I've listed I can't imagine 1) why these people would come out with a fragrance & 2) why would anyone buy the fragrance/or want to smell like these people? When the celebrity fragrance market hit it's peak a few years ago, I read an article on how expensive a gamble it is to make a fragrance. There are a lot of aspects to consider because a fragrance purchase is an emotional, psychological & visual purchase. Researchers consider packaging, color, scent & bottle design. I imagine that with a celebrity backed fragrance that public image/perception counts for about 85% of consideration when making a fragrance; which is why I can't imagine who decided that some of these celebrity fragrances were a good idea.
Tell me if you agree or not.

1) P. Diddy - Unforgivable. I'm not exactly sure why it's called Unforgivable. Diddy gives some stupid ass explanation about living life to the fullest or some crap like that. You know what I consider Unforgivable? Being the baby daddy to about 4 kids & not marrying any of your baby mammas. You know what else is Unforgivable? Bitching when the state of NY makes an example out of your stupid ass and makes you pay record child support amounts because you don't have the ability to 1) make a commitment to your baby momma or 2) use protection. Finally, the most Unforgivable thing of all is still riding on your dead best friend's coattails when said friend has been dead for about a decade. Scent - a mixture of dolla, dolla bills, arrogance & Farnsworth Bentley's breath from kissing Diddy's ass. Uh-huh, yeah...I'm doing this for Biggy, y'all....I'm shutting down the studio!
Bonus gift w/purchase: a fat child support payment, a Farnsworth Bentley approved umbrella and your choice of a Making of the Band castmember from Seasons 1-99.

2) J. Lo (or J. 'Ho as Jamie Foxx calls her) - Glow & some other 12 yr. old sounding fragrance names. I don't even know where to start. Just, why? Who would buy it? Who still looks up to her as a Latino role model? Oh, well. Scent- a mixture of desperation, whatever husband-stealing cheap whores smell like, fried tacos.
Bonus gift w/purchase: her latest CD & DVD (both with sales so disappointing that they're giving them away. Seriously, did anyone see Monster in Law?), and Mark Anthony (he's so small he can fit into your pocket).

3) Paris Hilton - Heiress (?). The biggest fucking "what the fuck were they thinking?" of all. Do I even need to list the rationalization here? Suggestion for new scent name - Human Condom. Scent - delectable combination of weed, publicity-loving desperation, semen, peroxide, "firecrotch", tanning oil & vomit (from that undiagnosed eating disorder).
Bonus gift w/purchase: whatever's in her possession at the time of an arrest - a chihuahua, blond extensions, her most recently "lost" rhinestoned T-Mobile Sidekick complete with 1 yr. of free service, weed, One Night in Paris (sales benefit charity & that's hot) and your choice of a top CDC-rated STD.

4) Olsen twins - I don't know the name of their fragrance, just that they have one. I imagine that their target customer is the 'tween set & dirty old men. Scent - it should probably smell something similar to Love's Baby Soft given their fanbase but in reality, it's probably a mixture of cigarette smoke, cigarette breath, vomit (for the diagnosed eating disorder), and Starbucks coffee breath.
Bonus gift w/purchase: a shitty, overpriced "homeless chic" wardrobe courtesy of the first homeless person you mug outside of Macys.

5) Britney Spears - Curious, Fantasy. The commercials for Curious began running again around Christmas this year. I can only imagine that the manufacturer is 1) trying to cash in on some hot Britney nostalgia (if anyone has any left) or 2) trying to unload major inventory. The Curious commercial has the old hot Britney in it just as she was beginning her downward spiral. She was no longer a virgin, but not yet crotch-baring trash. I could almost see being Curious. They should rename the fragrance " there's nothing left, curiosity satisfied". Fantasy came out when she was knocked up with the first kid. The commercial for this fragrance has K-Fed as cupid and her running her pregnant belly through the woods. Yeah, he was shooting "arrows" alright. The only person who had a chance to experience anything close to a fantasy was K-Fed. I doubt that by buying this fragrance I would suddenly be plunged into a forest of woodland creatures, a Ferrari, zero responsibilities and all of the free designer sweats, cornrows, and record deals that I could ever want. Scent - car leather (from having her nether regions come into contact with the finest Bentley leather), breast milk and bubble gum.
Bonus gift w/purchase: your choice of Sean Preston, Jayden James or K-Fed.

6) Paula Abdul - I believe it's still unnamed since it's still in the works. Target customer - some ass-kissing American Idol wannabe that will bathe in it prior to an American Idol tryout while wearing Paula's QVC jewelry line in the hopes that they get to meet Paula, she gets a whiff of it and says the magical words " you're going to Hollywood!" while sipping Coca-Cola and clapping like a mental patient. This sentence was brought to you by Coca-Cola. Scent - kitty litter, dog food (she has multiple dogs), Coca- Cola, vomit (from that pesky ongoing battle with bulimia), and Randy Jackson pheromones that will say encouraging things like, "Yeah, dog!"
Bonus gift w/purchase: a Lakers uniform, M.C. Skat Kat and the saleswoman will applaud like a mental patient (a la Paula) when you buy it.

7) Christina Aguilera - Like Paula Abdul's fragrance, I believe that it's still unnamed. Suggested name - Beautiful... no really, as long as you don't look like me, you really are beautiful! Target customer - drag queens. Beaten with an ugly stick drag queens. Scent - peroxide, whatever ass-baring leather chaps smell like, dirt, green tea (so you can drink this fragrance for days that you're trying to recover from screaming at the top of your lungs).
Bonus gift w/purchase: Your choice of skunk colored extensions similar to the ones that she wore in her "Drrty" video or the classier Jean Harlow eyebrow stencil set and Marilyn Monroe wig (for days when you're having an image crisis and can't decide who you want to be), plus a Gloria Steinem/Betty Friedan book so that you can develop a real sense of feminism and not subscribe to Christina's Sex & the City/L'il Kim feminist logic.

Self-promoting celebrities are So Unpretty...

Taxi Cab Confession.

Things in this great world are annoying: Black pen ink. People talking on BlueTooth. My cat, starting at 4:30 am every morning.

But right now, I am going to kvetch about something that probably every Philadelphia has experienced: taxi mini-honks. A taxi mini-honk is when a cabbie sees a person walking down a street, then taps the horn a little... attempting to get your attention to see if you want a ride. This is how I would respond:

"Sir, there is a certain action called 'hailing a taxi.' Most people that want a taxi will hail one. Most people that don't want a taxi, don't hail one. Puh-lease don't inturrupt my walking-down-the-street reverie with that annoying little honk, you annoying little punk."

Has anyone else experienced this? Argh. It fills me with unpretty rage.

photo

Sitting Bitch on the Bandwagon

guess what.

i have been ranting and raving all week about how excited i am to watch the eagles game this saturday night...trying to make plans about where to watch the game...who to watch the game with...what to wear (yes, what to wear-how gay is that?!).

and the kicker??? i don't even know what effing time the game starts. hilarious.

fly, eagles, fly...

anyone who's interested, i think me and some peeps are meeting at the Fox & Hound, 15th & Spruce Sts, mutha-effers!

Does This Dog Looked Depressed To You?

seriously, let me know. i put this picture up at work and everyone was all like, "Oh My God! That dog is sooooo sad looking? is she hurt? is she fed? is she loved? is she depressed?"

what the fuck! she's treated like the Queen of England! she has sweaters more expensive than my winter coats. she owns my bed. she owns my entire house for that matter. i kiss her ten times before i leave for work and die a little bit inside everytime i leave her.